Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 5-1

STAR YECCH!! DEEP SHIT 69 CHAPTER V - KRISKO'S SLIPPERY ESCAPE... OR, IT TAKES A LOT OF GONADS TO WRITE THIS SHIT!

Special Guest Stars:
Joey Buttawipo as Gul Lattrek
Tom Dickenharry as Lt. Commander Donnie Brooke

SHIP'S STATION LOG, STARDATE 9411.28: Major Keepyer Handsof, still acting commander, reporting. The Federation has thankfully responded to the Hardassian threat to the gasshole by sending, much to our surprise, an entire division of Starfleet marines. I am currently coordinating our efforts with the Marines' leader, Colonel Moppett-DeFleur. I am, however,
worried about the Commander's whereabouts. He was due to return some time ago, and I fear the Prophets may have taken him.

In Krisko's command room, Major Keepyer and the Marine command team organized the safe return of Commander Krisko.

MPT: I'll have two squadrons guard the gasshole from the X and Y apogees and a third squadron keep an eye on our Hardassian friends out there. If all goes well, Commander Krisko's runabout should re-enter our space between the squadrons and we can extend shields around the ship. After that, the escort will be a cakewalk.

KPR: Yuck! You humans walk in cake when you succeed?
MPT: It's just an expression, major. Now, if you have no further questions, I'll return to the Deflated and leave Recks and Brooke behind with you.
KPR: Sounds fine with me, Colonel. "Semper Fi," sir.
MPT: "Semper Fi?" That phrase went out ages ago!
KPR: Then what do you use now as a rallying cry?
MPT: "Semper Scrotum!"
KPR: Semper,...Scrotum??
MPT: "Always on the ball!" C-1 to Deflated: one to beam aboard.

The familiar shimmer of a transport took the colonel out of the picture. The Major turned to the Marine twosome and found Captain Recks leering at her.

KPR: Do you have a problem, Captain Recks?
RCK: No,...it's just that,...you look like my mother.
KPR: I told you,...you don't have a mother, dammit! You're a frigging clone, for Prophet's sake!
BRK: He knows that, major, but he can't help himself. He still likes to go on thinking that beautiful women look like his mother,...and the PsyCorps guys really did a number on him, and...
RCK: Dammit, you're babbling, Brooke! Just shut up!
KPR: You know, gentlemen, this isn't getting us anywhere.
RCK: Did I tell you my mother's name was Hortense?
KPR: "Hortense?" That's an odd name. What does it mean?
RCK: "Nervous Prostitute."
BRK: Major, did you know the Captain's nickname is "Nervous," too?
KPR: "Nervous" Recks??

Captain Recks was overcome with a sheepish look and blushed furiously. With that, Major Keepyer left the room in disgust and returned to Ops to confer with Justa.

KPR: Justa, any sign of the Commander's ship?
JST: No,..and I'm beginning to worry about it. By my calculations, the gasshole should have collapsed 17.4 minutes ago.
MOB: Major, I'm getting a sensor reading from the gasshole!
KPR: A sensor reading? What is it?
MOB: A sensor reading is one of those funny blips that the special effects guys come up with to enhance the plot, but that's not important right now.
KPR: Justa, what are you coming up with?
JST: Increased neutrino readings from the hole. I think it's going to open up again!
KPR: Any sign of Krisko's runabout?
JST: Nothing yet, Major.
KPR: OK. Alert Moppett-DeFleur, nevertheless. If it is Krisko, those Marauders will pounce on him like a pack of vultures.
JST: Aye, sir.

As Justa Broad alerts the Deflated, the viewscreen came alive with a brilliant flash of light as the gasshole re-opened. In the afterglow (?), a small ship became visible. After recognizing the runabout, everybody let out a shout of glee.

KPR/JST/MOB: GLEE!!

Krisko, relieved by the sight of the space station, hailed the Ops Center.

KRS: Genghis Khan to DS 69: Hail!
KPR: Oh, Commander! Are we ever glad to see you!
KRS: I knew you'd miss me, but what gives with the armed escort?
MPT: Just coverin' yer ass, Commander.
KRS: Who are you?
MPT: Colonel Moppett-DeFleur, commander, 12th Martian Marine Division.

Major Keepyer and the Marine Colonel quickly briefed Krisko as to the goings-on in his absence.

MPT: OK, Krisko, just give the signal and my boys will extend their shield around your runabout.
KRS: Fine. Shields to dissolve in 10 seconds.
MPT: Counting down: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,...extending shields. You can place it on autopilot, Krisko, and we'll guide you in.

Moppett-DeFleur's orders were met with silence from the Genghis Khan. The colonel ordered a sensor sweep of the runabout. His apprehension grew with the negative reports of Krisko's whereabouts.

MPT: Deflated to DS 69, have you beamed Krisko back to your station?
KPR: Negative, Colonel. I thought you were guiding him in.
MPT: So did I! There's no sign of him aboard the Genghis Khan! Before the Ops crew had a chance to respond, Gul Droppings hailed the station again.

DRP: Major! Congratulations on a successful adventure!
KPR: Droppings, dammit, where's Krisko?
DRP: Do you look like I know...I mean, do I look like I know?
KPR: Well, he's gone missing and this all smells of a Hardassians plot.
DRP: Actually, Major, the commander has graciously consented to share his knowledge of the gasshole with us, as an invited guest of my friend, Gul Lattrek.
KPR: Lattrek? Of the Obstinate Order?
DRP: In the fresh...flash...I mean, flesh.
KPR: Droppings, if you harm on hair on Krisko's body, I'll break every bone in your head,...I mean,...aww, screw it! As acting commander of this station, I order you to return Krisko to us!
DRP: Order the return of a political prisoner? I don't think so, Major.
KPR: Political prisoner? What did Krisko do to you?
DRP: Trespassing on Hardassian space, in direct violation of our treaty with the Federation.
KPR: But,...but,...
DRP: We have claimed the gasshole as our own, Major. Krisko will be taken back to Hardassia Prime and confess to this deed.

Before Keepyer could respond, Gul Droppings cut her off. Moppett-DeFleur immediately contacted her.

MPT: Major, any word on Krisko's whereabouts? And why are the Hardassians leaving?
KPR: Colonel! Stop them! Gul Droppings has kidnapped Krisko and they're taking him back to Hardassia to try him as a spy!!
MPT: How? Why? But our shields,...
KPR: Ask those questions later, dammit! Just get Krisko back!
MPT: I'm afraid my hands are tied, Major. I'm under direct orders not to start a fight with the Hardassians. If they have Krisko, we'll have to go through diplomatic channels to retrieve him.
KPR: Are you serious???
MPT: No,...I'm Colonel Moppett-DeFleur. Colonel Sirius commands the 11th Division.

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 5-2

As the DS 69 team stewed, the Deflated towed the Genghis Khan back to spacedock for a thorough examination. Odor and a detachment of Marine Security personnel went over the runabout with a fine-toothed comb. Unfortunately, they found the process of dragging a fine-toothed comb throughout the ship to be tedious and time-consuming. Shortly, they resorted to standard tricorder scanning. After this, they reported back to Major Keepyer and Colonel Moppett-DeFleur.

KPR: What did your team find in the Genghis Khan, Odor?
ODO: We initially found nothing out of the ordinary in the ship, but after a second sweep with the tricorders, we found a tiny transponder under the helmsman's seat. My preliminary evaluation suggest the Hardassians homed in on it before the Colonels' troops could blanket the ship with their shields.
MPT: Can you identify the make of the transponder, Odor?
ODO: It's of a Happicampan make, Colonel; favored by the Hardassians for its size and strength.
MPT: Happicampan? Our intelligence reports on them didn't suggest trade with the Hardassians.
ODO: They deal through third parties over the demilitarized zone. Probably the Monquies.
MPT: But,...how did it get on Krisko's runabout?

The Major and Odor exchanged a quick, knowing glance at each other and answered the Colonel simultaneously.

ODO/KPR: Garbaj!
MPT: Who is he? I assume you know him?
ODO: Garbaj is the only resident Hardassian left on the station. I questioned him about the Hardassian's knowledge of the gasshole, but drew a blank.
MPT: Do you still have reason to suspect him?
KPR: Garbaj has intimated for some time now that he has connections with the Obstinate Order, but we can never prove if he's telling the truth or blowing smoke up our asses.
MPT: Well then, I suggest you detain him again. I'll have my security team help you.
ODO: Very well, Colonel. If you will excuse me?

Odor left the briefing to arrest Garbaj. He also gave orders for the detainment of Quirk. Back at the conference, the Majoran and Marine teams continued.

MPT: Major, what of this Obstinate Order? You feel this Garbaj fellow may be involved?
KPR: The Obstinate Order is the elite internal security force for the Hardassian Empire. Their methods make the Romulan Tal Shi'ar seem tame by comparison.
MPT: Hmmm. Sounds like the old American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,...and this Gul Lattrek? You seem to recognize his name.
KPR: Lattrek helped orchestrate the execution of a troupe of Majoran mimes. He thought they were passing codes along to the Resistance.
MPT: He slaughtered a troupe of mimes? What a terrible thing to waste!!
KPR: Typical Hardassian methods of subordination, Colonel. Unfortunately, they may try similar tactics on Commander Krisko.
MPT: Despite my tight restrictions, Major, I may have a plan to get Krisko back.

The conference was ended with Moppett-DeFleur returned to the Deflated. By using the ship;s advanced speed, he hoped to catch up to the Hardassians before the crossed back into their sovereign space. As time wore one, the Ops members grew impatient waiting for a reply from the Deflated.

KPR: DS 69 to the Deflated: Colonel Moppett-DeFleur, report.
MPT: Yes, Major,...I was about to give you a call.
KPR: Any luck finding the Fourth Order, Colonel?
MPT: Negative, major. The Hardassians have jammed our ship's radar. Take a look for yourselves.

Sure enough, the forward sensor arrays were covered with thick, red goo.

BRK: Wow! Looks like elderberry jam, Captain Recks!
RCK: No shit, Sherlock!
BRK: Just trying to be helpful, Captain.
RCK: PsyCorps didn't make you the sharpest pencil in the box, did they, Lieutenant Brooke?
BRK: Uh,...no, sir.

Major Keepyer simply shook her head in disgust and amazement.

KPR: Are you telling me you let the Hardassians jam the radar on the Federation's best ship? You must be kidding!
MPT: No, Major. Colonel Kitting commands the 10th Marine Division.
KPR: Well, what do you plan to do next, Colonel?
MPT: After the 121st Lackey and Flunkey Squad cleans all that jam off the sensor array, we'll have to return and start from square one, Major.
KPR: Oh, I can't wait, Colonel.

Meanwhile, the command ship of the Hardassian Fourth Order returned to Hardassia Prime. Krisko was led away to the Central Incarceration Prison to await processing by the Hardassian government. After what seemed like days, a Hardassian dressed in robes of the judicial caste entered his cell.

IBL: Greetings, Commander Krisko. I am Gul Ibble, your jurist.
KRS: My jurist? Now that's a crock o' shit! I know your judicial system all too well, Ibble!
IBL: "Guilty until proven guilty." It's a very effective crime reducer, Krisko.
KRS: If I am already guilty, why have a trial?
IBL: To remind the citizens of the Hardassian Empire what happens when they stray from the flock. Your verdict and sentence have already been worked out. My job is to see that all goes smoothly and that justice is dispensed.
KRS: Humph! Sounds more like justice being dispensed with!
IBL: If you have nothing further to say that will speed things along, then I shall see you at the trial in the morning.
KRS: Wait a minute! I'm a Starfleet officer! I'm entitled to representation from a Federation lawyer! I want to contact the Judge Advocate General's office!
IBL: I'll file a motion on your behalf with mediator Shapiro, but I doubt the Federation will be able to respond before your hearing. Until then, good day, Krisko.

The officious lawyer left Krisko in his cold, grey cell. A short time later, several Hardassian guards entered his cell and escorted him to an office complex. He was led into the chambers of an obviously high-ranking official. A moment later, the Hardassian entered from an antechamber. He wore a Hardassian uniform that Krisko was not familiar with. After inspecting Krisko like he was a new form of insect life, the Hardassian took a seat behind his desk and introduced himself.

LTK: Commander Krisko, I am Gul Lattrek, commander of the Home Sector, Obstinate Order. I wanted to have a small chat with you...before your trial tomorrow.
KRS: You'll get nothing more from me than my name, rank, and serial number.
LTK: You are Benjamin Krisko, Commander. Starfleet ID #135-AB-89007. You're widowed and you have a son named Jerk. You like something called "baseball," which strikes me as humourous. You like to cook and have an obsession with large-breasted Andorian females.

Krisko gawked at Lattrek, dumbfounded. The Gul smirked at him and continued.

LTK: You see, Krisko, that your ancient code of silence means nothing to me.
KRS: If you know all of this, then why bother with this charade? Or am I being taped for display to your loyal citizens?
LTK: Ha, ha, ha! You amuse me, Krisko! As much as we know about you, and the gasshole, we know little of what you encountered inside the hole.
KRS: And you'll get nothing from me. I'll take that knowledge to my grave!
LTK: Again, you are being humourous!
KRS: I don't follow you, Lattrek.
LTK: Didn't Gul Ibble brief you about your trial?
KRS: No.
LTK: Oh, very well. (Sighing) As you now, you will be found guilty of trespassing in Hardassian space and spying. The sentence will be death...by hanging. So you see, Krisko, you might as well "spill the beans," and fill me in on what lies beyond the gasshole.

Will Krisko spill the beans? Will Lattrek make him squeal like a pig and play the banjo with some inbred redneck?....Oops, sorry! That scene's from my parody of "Deliverance."

Anyway, hang on for the next thrilling episode of,...

Star Yecch! Deep Shit 69!

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 6-1

STAR YECCH! DEEP SHIT 69
CHAPTER VI - JUST HANGIN' AROUND...
OR,.SWING LO, SWEET RUNABOUT!

Special Guest Stars:
Arthur Itis as Gul Ibble
Ima Schrew as Mediator Shapiro

SHIP'S STATION LOG, STARDATE - 9412.20: Major Keepyer Handsof, still acting commander and beginning to like it! With the help of the Federation Marine Corps, we have now lost Commander Krisko to the Hardassians, who have claimed the gasshole as their own sovereign territory. Because the Marine commander has his hands tied by regulations, our only real hope in getting Krisko back is through a long, tedious diplomatic process. Knowing Hardassian justice is swift, we hold out very slim hope in recovering the Commander alive.

In Krisko's offices, the station's senior staff brainstormed with the Marine contingent. After exhausting numerous plans, Colonel Moppett-DeFleur's expression lightened.

MPT: I've got an idea, major!
KPR: Do you mind sharing this synaptic burp with the rest of us, Colonel?
MPT: Why, of course! The Deflated has a "chameleon cloaking" device built into the sensors. We can alter the ship's sensor code to match a Hardassian ship of similar size and sneak a storm team in to rescue Krisko!
KPR: You mean to tell me that after spending the last four hours hashing out one failed plan after another, you just now thought of this?? Why didn't you think of this earlier?
MPT: Uh,...Captain Recks,...why didn't you think of this earlier?
RCK: Uh,...Lieutenant (j.g.) Brooke,...why didn't you think of this earlier?

All eyes turned to face the young officer. he shrugged, swallowed hard and spoke:

BRK: Uh,..aww, shit! Low man on the totem pole again!
KPR: Now that you're done passing the credit around, Colonel, how do you plan on using this cloaking device? And this better be smarter that your "Romulan Rabbit" scheme!

As the daring team worked out yet another plan, time closed in on Krisko as he was still interrogated by Gul Lattrek.

LTK: Krisko, I'm asking a simple question: "What did you find in the gasshole?"
KRS: Little green men from Mars!
LTK: Do not toy with me, Krisko! I'm your worst nightmare come to life!!
KRS: I doubt that. My worst nightmare is waking up and finding my penis missing!
LTK: Oh-h-h-h-h,..alright; then I'm your second worst nightmare come to life! Now, you can tell me what happened in there and become a singular casualty in this sordid affair; or I can kill you, then send out a reconnaissance team into the hole. The Majorans will resist and hundreds will be killed by your arrogance!

Krisko weighed Lattrek's words for a moment before speaking.

KRS: If the Obstinate Order knows all about me, why doesn't it know what's beyond the gasshole?
LTK: Don't be coy with me, Krisko! The Hardassians occupied Labia Majora for several years. We know all about the Majorans' fanatical belief in the "Prophets." What I want to know is this: are those Tears natural artifacts or messages from the other end of the gasshole?
KRS: I wouldn't know, Lattrek. I never made it to the other side!
LTK: is that so? What stopped you, then? The Prophets?
KRS: Hmmmm,...I don;t think you could call them that.
LTK: Then what would you call them? Give me a name!
KRS: I would think that was your parents' responsibility.
LTK: Arrrggghhhh!! I grow tired of this foolishness! Guards!! Escort the prisoner back to his cell!

As the guards dragged Krisko back to his cell, Lattrek obviously infuriated by Krisko's tactics, called out to him:

LTK: Krisko! All shall be revealed at your trial!! Then I'll have the last laugh!
KRS: Laugh at this, Lattrek! (Krisko flipped Lattrek the bird.)

Back at the station, the galactic gestalt finalized plans to invade Hardassia Prime and rescue Commander Krisko. As they prepared to break for some rest, Justa returned from her secondary assignment.

KPR: Justa, any luck going through Hardassian legal writings?
JST: Not very much. There's so little written on Hardassian legal precedent that I even had to bring in Kohnan to help me through the library.
KPR: You asked Kohnan?? Kohnan the librarian? I didn't even think he was alive down there!
JST: Well, when's the last time you went down to the library?
KPR: I,...I, uh,...can't remember. But that name is a hell of a stretch to go for a cheap laugh!
JST: Anyway, it unfortunately appears that Benjamin has little legal ground to stand on. Ever since the Military came to power, Hardassian civil rights have been pared down to "do as I say or die when I say."
KPR: Tell me about it! I lost half of my family to so-called Hardassian "justice!"
JST: Then you know what we're up against.
KPR: Any word from Starfleet?
JST: (sighing) By the time Starfleet files a complaint with the Hardassian Foreign Ministry and they, in turn, file with their Justice Ministry, Krisko will have been tried, convicted and hung.
KPR: Well,..as we seem to be out of options, I move that we commence with the Marines, ASAP.

The group broke up on that note and began to move to their respective positions. Justa, O'Brother, and a team of Majoran and Starfleet volunteers assembled aboard the Deflated for a final briefing with the Marine insertion team.

After getting the go-ahead from DS 69, the Deflated made way for Hardassian space. As the ship got under way and the crew began to settle into their stations, Justa looked over to see that Captain Recks was living up to his moniker of "nervous." She went over to him and engaged in some small talk to help calm him down.

JST: So,...Captain Recks, are you worried about this mission?
RCK: Nah,...the PsyCorps guys never install negative programs like that in us. This is just my first deep-space mission.
JST: Oh, I see. How long have you been with the Marines?
RCK: Just over two years. Most of that time I was in Officer's Training College, though. Once I got my commission, I was shipped out to Mars with the 12th.
JST: Well, having been through this a few times myself, I can tell you it gets a little easier with time.
RCK: That's cool. Beside, this beats stationing on Mars!
JST: Oh, really? In what way?
RCK: At least out here, I get to do what I was trained for. Back home, I just sat by the Martian canals, eating hot dogs and waiting to be mustered out. And,..thinking about my mother.
JST: Uh,...yeah! I've heard about your mother.
RCK: I spent a lot of my free time looking for her on Mars. Some of the locals told me to climb the mountains to search for her. I'd ask them "how high is a Martian mountain?" and the locals would always tell me "yes." Never got a straight answer out of those Martian bastards until I found Howhai Mountain, then I understood.
JST: Really? Well,..Captain Recks, I really do have to get back and help the Colonel. I'll talk to you later.

With the Marines on their way, the outlook was bleak for Commander Krisko. After his session with Gul Lattrek, Krisko knew he'd sealed his fate. The following morning, Krisko held a brief audience with Gul Ibble, then was led away to the chambers of Mediator Shapiro. Upon entering the hall, a crowd of jeering Hardassians met Krisko and video cameras flowed his every movement.

KRS: Jesus, Ibble! Is this a trial or a goddamned circus?
IBL: Both, Commander. As I explained to you earlier, you shall be made an example of to the Empire.
KRS: What about my rights under the Organian Treaties?
IBL: Oh, that? You Federation legal counsel should have an answer by next week.
KRS: But,...but, that will be too late! Can you ask for a continuance?
IBL: Hardassian justice has no precedent for such things, Krisko.

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 6-2

Before Krisko could further protest, trumpets blared a great fanfare and all attention was turned to the podium. Mediator Shapiro entered with a flourish and seated herself on her high horse-leather chair. A court jester,...I mean, a court officer spoke:

CRT: All those having borne witness to this matter: step forward and you shall be heard. Presenting in the matter of the Empire versus Federation Commander Benjamin Krisko, her Imperial Mediator, Shapiro.

The mediator eyed Krisko skeptically and addressed him in icy tones.

SHP: Benjamin Krisko, you have been charged with treason and trespassing on Imperial territory. For this, we have found you guilty. We shall now decide on the manner of your transgression and pass sentence upon you.

As the hearing droned through the opening motions, Gul Droppings hailed the station.

DRP: Gul Droppings to Deep Ship's Station: Hail!
KPR: DS 69 to Droppings: Go to Hail! What do you want now?
DRP: You have bad news for me...I mean, I have good news for you: Commander Krisko's trial has begun.
KPR: But, but,...where's his counsel?
DRP: Krisko has been assigned counsel from the Hardassian Civilian pool. His name is Gul Ibble.
KPR: Gul Ibble?? That old cretin hasn't tried a case since the Occupation! He isn't qualified for this kind of trial!
DRP: The Justice Ministry made special...arrangements for Gul Ibble. Now, since you can't be there for Krisko's trial, I'd though it would be sporting of me to patch in to you the Hardassian video feed of his trial. Stand by on channel 1009.

With that, Droppings faded from view and the viewscreen shifted to a scene of a Hardassian courtroom. And at that courtroom, the perfunctory motions were over and the trial started.

SHP: I'll entertain an opening arguments from the counselors.

IBL: Well, you honor, I think schlemiel stew tastes better without yarmulke sauce! What say you, Gul Wingh?
WNG: I think yarmulke sauce enhances the flavor of the stew!
IBL: Does not!
WNG: Does so!
IBL: Does not!
WNG: Does so!
SHP: OK! Enough with the opening arguments! Let us commence with the case at hand.

It was now Gul Wingh's turn to put on a show. He stepped up and made the most of his moment in the spotlight.

WNG: Imperial Mediator, the Empire has charged this human with a number of crimes: among them are trespassing, treason by withholding information vital to the Empire, and not to mention - man's laughter!
KRS: Man's Laughter??
WNG: I said not to mention man's laughter!
IBL: I believe the counselor means "manslaughter," Mediator.
SHP: The court understands the charge, Gul Ibble. Having heard the charges, how does your client plead, Ibble?
IBL: My client, of course, pleads guilty, as charges. However, owing to extreme circumstances involving the Majoran gasshole and our truce with the Federation, I ask for leniency in Krisko's sentencing.
SHP: Given the gravity of the charges, my only recourse from the conventional sentence of death is life imprisonment and hard labor. However, I have imposed a cap on the population of the prisons and therefore there is no room for this criminal, That said, Gul Ibble, your plea is denied.

Ibble rose from his station to protest.

IBL: Mediator Shapiro, you mentioned the gravity of this case. I am not well versed in the laws of gravity and therefore plead for more time in this matter, so that the cause of justice may move more smoothly.
SHP: Your plea is again denied, Gul Ibble! Gul Wingh, you may call your first witness for the persecution.

As ther trial moved on, Major Keepyer, as well as both the Federation and Majoran Ops personnel looked on in anger. She cursed the Hardassians and prayed to the Prophets that the Deflated's mission be in time to save Krisko's life.

As the Deflated approached the Hardassian border, Colonel Moppett-DeFleur gave the orders to change the ship's identity.

MPT: Helmsman: punch up the cloaking device and enter the code on my command.
HLM: Aye, sir. Cloak is engaged.
MPT: Very good, son. Enter code SUX-2B-U.
HLM: Entering code SUX-2B-U, sir.
MPT: Proceed on course, helmsman.
HLM: Aye, sir. Proceeding on course 148, Mark 27, sir.
MPT: Let's pray to God this works out, men.
HLM: Aye, sir. Praying to God, sir.
MPT: Oh,...shut up, helmsman!
HLM: Aye, sir. Shutting up, sir.
MPT: Well, men,..and ladies, if all goes well, we should arrive at Hardassia Prime in approximately two and a half hours.

As luck would have it, the Deflated was able to pass several listening posts and security checkpoints and was making a beeline for Hardassia Prime. As the hour approached, the Colonel address the insertion team.

MPT: Lieutenant Broad and Mr. O'Brother, you'll use a shuttlecraft and land at the Vulcan consulate. We've arranged through channels to have you two pose as Federation observers to the trial. Once you get a bead on Krisko, you'll guide in the insertion team.
JST/MOB: Aye, sir.
MPT: Captain Recks, you shall lead the insertion team. Ensign Brooke shall take Ensigns Shiv, Dirk, and Bowie and slice a safe path to the courtroom for the Delta team.
RCK: Aye, sir.
MPT: The Deflated will stay back here to avoid visual contact with the Hardassian militia. All of you: keep in constant contact with each other and us. If any of you are captured, the Federation will disavow any knowledge of this escapade and leave you all out to dry. Understood?
ALL: Aye, sir.

Will the Deflated arrive in time? What chance does Krisko have with a counselor who doesn't know the laws of gravity? What the hell am I going to do with all these Christmas gift certificates? Tune in next time for more mind-numbing adventures!

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 7-1

STAR YECCH! DEEP SHIT 69
CHAPTER VII - NO NOOSE IS GOOD NOOSE,...
OR, HOLY SHIT, I'M RUNNING OUT OF SECONDARY TITLES

SHIP'S STATION LOG, STARDATE 9501.11: Dr. Julius Bashful, reporting. I have placed Major Keepyer on medical leave while she is treated for "Al Haig Syndrome," brought on by the prolonged stress of Commander Krisko's abduction.

In the courtroom of Mediator Shapiro, the case against Commander Krisko droned on.

SHP: Will the spectators stop droning! It's giving me a headache! There will be silence in this hall!
WNG: If it pleases the court, I would like to bring forth as my final witness, Gul Lattrek.

Gul Wingh's announcement was enough to stop the droning of the crowd. Gul Lattrek entered the hall with a grand flourish and was seated in the confessor's box. Gul Wingh addressed him.

WNG: For the record, Gul Lattrek, you interviewed the accused several times?
LTK: Yes, I did.
WNG: At what point did Commander Krisko confess?
LTK: The human never did confess, I'm afraid. Like most of his kind, he fears facing the retribution of his actions.
IBL: I object, your honor. My client is trained to withhold information considered vital to his superiors.
SHP: Your objection is noted but overruled! Gul Wingh, you may proceed.
LTK: If I may, your honor,...I offered Commander Krisko immunity from a court-martial by his superiors, but he rejected the deal.
WNG: With that, your honor, I have no further evidence to present.
SHP: Gul Ibble, do you have anything to say for your client?
IBL: I renew my petition for clemency on my client's behalf, your honor.
SHP: Your petition is again denied, Ibble! I, therefore, pronounce Commander Benjamin Krisko guilty of all charges and sentence him to die by hanging with the falling of the first and second moons.

Gul Ibble turned to the stoic-faced Commander and shrugged. As guards hustled Krisko back to his cell, he called over to his counsel.

KRS: Someone see if Samuel T. Cogley is still alive! If he is, retain him for my appeal!
IBL: Appeal? Not in Hardassian justice, my friend!

As they witnessed the three-ringed circus ending, Justa Broad and Miles O'Brother signaled back to the Marines. Since the trial ended quicker than expected, the insertion team would now have to make a rescue attempt at the execution site.

On the station, the video stream ended. A mixture of sorrow and anger filled the Ops room. Major Keepyer, after venting her own frustration, called for a clean up of the remnants of the sorrow/anger mixture, which was beginning to stain the carpets.

KPR: Dammit all to hell!! Where are Justa and Miles?
ODO: perhaps there's still time, Keepyer.
KPR: How much time, Odor? This is all going too fast!
ODO: If you ever had faith in the Prophets, now would be a good time to call it in. Don't you remember being a member of the Resistance? "Always have a Plan B," you used to tell me!
KPR: What's your point, Odor?
ODO: I don't know, Keepyer. It just sounded inspirational.

In his cell, Krisko pondered his now-limited future. As a show of good will on his captors' behalf, they permitted him to make contact with his family. After going through several delays, Krisko's viewscreen filled with the face of his son, Jerk.

JER: Dad? Is it true, they're going to hang you for going into the gasshole?
KRS: I'm afraid the Hardassians will try, son. But I want you to be brave about all of this.
JER: I'm trying, Dad. The guys on the station are really looking out for me.
KRS: (Sighing) I'm glad to hear that, Jerk.
JER: Yeah! And I even met a girl down at Quirk's Place!
KRS: Jerk,...I warned you about him! What kind of girl did you meet at his bar?
JER: A Dabo girl, Dad. Her name's S'Marti Panz.
KRS: A Dabo girl??? What,...what attracted you to someone like her?
JER: Dad,...you oughtta see the size of her dabos!
KRS: Uh, yeah. (Taking a deep breath) You know, Jerk, physical appearance shouldn't be your only guide to love.
JER: Yeah, I know,...but she writes poetry and she's hoping to go back to school on Majora once things settle down.
KRS: Nevertheless, Jerk, watch yourself.
JER: Aw, Dad, would you lighten up! I've already had a rotten day!
KRS: I'm sorry this trial has upset you, but,...
JER: I'm not even talking about that! When I got up this morning, my "Krispies" cereal started talking back when I poured on the lactose additive.
KRS: I think you should see Dr. Bashful about this delusional behavior, Jerk.
JER: Seriously, Dad! They said "Snap! Crackle! F**k you!" So I threw them back at the replicator!
KRS: Oh, no...my son: "The Cereal Killer!"
JER: Well,...Dad, my time's running out. So,.......I hope you get out of this!
KRS: I hope so, too, Jerk.

Wearily, Krisko turned away from the viewscreen.

Meanwhile, the Federation team regrouped at the Vulcan consulate. Justa conferred with Spick and Spann, the Vulcan strategists who helped clean up several of the Marines' past covert operations. O'Brother convened with Petty Officer Brooke and his insertion team, going over the layout of the execution site. Both Starfleet officers then reported back to the Deflated over subspace channels.

JST: As you know, Colonel, the trial went much quicker than we anticipated. They're getting the gallows ready as we speak.
MPT: Yes, Lieutenant Broad, we caught the Empire's video feed. All that court needed was a ring-master! Have you made any progress with our back-up plans?
JST: Yes, Colonel. I've just met with Spick and Spann. I think their plan will work out.
MPT: Fine, Lieutenant. May I speak with one of them?
JST: Standby, Colonel, I'll get Spick.

After several moments, the calm visage of the Vulcan appeared on the viewscreen. He addressed the Colonel.

SPK: I come to serve, Colonel.
MPT: I assume you understand the gravity of this operation?
SPK: The gravity of Hardassia Prime will not be a factor in your operation, Colonel.
MPT: Great! I'm glad to hear that. Once again, you and your partner are saving my butt! I really owe you, Spick.
SPK: Your emotional reaction is most unnecessary, Colonel. I will continue to "save your butt" as long as you possess those holographs of a certain Romulan woman and myself. This arrangement is most logical.
MPT: Sometimes you sound just like your brother, Spook.
SPK: Correction, Colonel. Spook is my half-brother. While Spook's mother was a welfare addict from Harlem, my mother was an illegal immigrant from Tijuana.
MPT: So noted.
SPK: If you will excuse me, Colonel, I must return to my previous duties. I was converting an old Hardassian ground vehicle into a low-rider and installing the likeness of a Terran canine with a wagging head.
MPT: Well, I'll report all of this to general Motars. Please return Lieutenant Broad to the viewer.
SPK: Live long,...and eat frijoles, Colonel.

When Justa Broad returned, she and the Colonel finalized the latest rescue plan.

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 7-2

As the rescue team plotted, Hardassia moved from the first into the second moonrise. Krisko was hustled from his cell and taken to a courtyard within the Justice Ministry complex. A large gallows occupied the center stage. As Krisko looked up to view the scene, he spotted Gul Lattrek standing smugly beside the gallows.

KRS: Care to give it a dry run, Lattrek?
LTK: Your humor,...so pitiful. I shall see to it that you are well hung.
KRS: My wife, Marla, always thought highly of me.
LTK: Laugh while you can, Krisko. You'll make great entertainment for your audience.

As Krisko looked about, he saw a massive crowd building in the courtyard. Lattrek addressed the crowd with great fanfare, reading the charges against Krisko to the audience. When he was done, he approached Krisko.

LTK: Have you any last words, Commander Krisko?
KRS" A coward dies many times in his life, but the valiant only once tastes death!"
LTK: I think I'll add plagiarism to the list of your transgressions.
KRS: You're really enjoying this aren't you, Lattrek?

As he spoke, Lattrek pointed to a balcony overlooking the festivities. Three Hardassian females smiled and waved to the Gul.

KRS: Care to introduce me, Lattrek?
LTK: Naturally. The woman in the center is my wife, the Lady Fin'Gher. She is flanked by my daughters: the Maiden Giappan and the Maiden Tie'Whon.
KRS: How come your daughters bear a striking resemblance to Gul Droppings?

Lattrek glared at Krisko and shoved him towards the executioner, who place the noose around Krisko's neck. Before a cowl was placed over his head, Lattrek addressed him once more.

LTK: How does the noose feel, Krisko?
KRS: Too loose, Lattrek.
LTK: We shall see who has the last laugh, human!

As the festivities drew to a fever pitch, the insertion team made their way through the crowd. The members reported in.

JST: Brooke, can your team get a shot at the gallows from there?
BRK: Not yet, Lieutenant! Shiv and Bowie are slicing their way to the rear of the stage.
JST: OK, keep me posted. O'Brother, how's that locator beam going?
MOB: I can't get close enough to get a fix on the Commander, yet! These goddamned, bloodthirsty Hardies are unbelievable!
JST: Keep pushing forward, Miles! You've got to get closer to fix the transponder on him!
MOB: I'm,...ouch, watch my feet, dammit! I'm trying, Justa!

As Justa moved in closer, she felt a cold hand grasp her shoulder. As she looked around her, she found herself surrounded by Hardassian troops. As they led her away, O' Brother spotted the goings-on but couldn't break away from his duties to help her. He motioned to several members of the insertion team to follow her and report back to him.

Just found herself hustled into a bleak, dank room. She was forcibly seated into a hard chair and secured to it. The guards left her alone then and as she struggled to free herself, another Hardassian entered the room. She found herself face-to-face with Gul Droppings.

DRP: Lieutenant Broad! You're so glad to see me,...I mean, I am so glad to see you!
JST: I wish I could say the same, Droppings!
DRP: Did you drop in to see the festivities?
JST: I'm here under the authority of the Vulcan consulate! Check my credentials!
DRP: Despite their altruism, we Hardassians know the Vulcans are merely the intellectual puppets of the Federation. You immunity means nothing to us!
JST: Once again, you violate the treaty, Droppings.
DRP: Violate? I liken our actions to "regional interpretation," Lieutenant.
JST: Just like claiming the gasshole?
DRP: The gasshole was ours from the time of the Majoran Occupation!
JST: Are you going to argue semantics with me,...or did you have something more sordid in mind?
DRP: I'm sure Gul Lattrek will be glad to know his gallows won't grow cold any time soon.

As Gul Droppings let that sink in, he left Justa alone in the dark room.

Having witnessed Justa's interrogation, the Marine operatives reported the bad news back to O'Brother. He, in turn, passed word onto Colonel Moppett-DeFleur. Disgusted, the Colonel passed word onto the station, where the communications officers told two friends and they told two friends and they told two friends, and so on and so on, and,..oh, what the hell! Let's get back to the story at hand: Justa's capture was only another glitch in a long series of unanticipated mishaps.

Back at the gallows, Gul Lattrek was winding down the festivities preceding Krisko's execution. As he made ready to give the executioner the high sign, a page (more like a leaflet, as he was quite young) darted from the crowd and spoke briefly to Lattrek. Lattrek smiled, dismissed the page and turned to again addressed the square.

LTK: Fellow Hardassians! I have received shocking news! It seems we have Federation spies in our midst!

The crowd reacted with typical Hardassian fervor to this news. When the gathering quieted some, Lattrek continued.

LTK: Gul Droppings, my good friend, a hero to the Union, has captured a high-ranking officer from our former outpost of Terak Nor! It appears, ladies and gentlemen, that you shall get TWO executions fro the price of one today!

Lattrek approached Krisko on the gallows. Having been hooded for the execution, Krisko was literally left in the dark about these events.

KRS: Lattrek! What kind of sick joke is this??
LTK: Your friends back on DS 69 have made a futile attempt to usurp Hardassian justice. In a short while, we shall round up the entire squad of these human fools and send a message back to the Federation not to screw with us again! Ha-ha-ha!

Down in the square, the news filtered to O'Brother and Brooke's insertion team. Before they could make their escapes, O'Brother and Brooke found themselves set upon by a mob of angry Hardassians. In a last, desperate move, O'Brother hailed the Deflated:

MOB: O'Brother to Deflated: Send in the clones! We've got to have clones!

Immediately, the shimmer of a transporter beam filled their corner of the courtyard.

BRK: Don't bother,..they're here!

A fierce firefight ensued between the Marines and the Hardassian guards. O'Brother, using the diversion, made his way back to the gallows. Lattrek spotted him immediately and began to fire upon him. O'Brother took cover behind a sales stall and returned fire.

As all of the confusion swirled about him, Krisko attempted to wriggle free of his shackles, hoping the swirling confusion would cover his actions. Unfortunately, Lattrek spotted Krisko's escape attempt. Dodging phaser fire from O'Brother, Lattrek gave the executioner the high sign to drop the trap door from beneath Krisko's feet. As he did this, O'Brother got off several quick phaser shots at Lattrek's head and torso. Lattrek crumpled to the ground and, gasping, he screamed to Krisko as the floor gave way:

LTK: I'll,...I'll see you in hell, Krisko!
KRS: You'll have a long wait, Lattrek!

With a fierce phaser battle occupying the square, Krisko felt the floor beneath him give way. His heart sank as fast as he did. Then, even through his shroud, he saw a blinding light.

The same light similarly blinded everyone in the square. As the fighting stopped, a voice penetrated the crowd.

MLA: STOP!!!


Is this the end of our heroes? Will Krisko "follow the light?" Tune in next time to find out!



Ed. note: Majoran mammary joke courtesy of TheFed, commander, SS After You,...Federation coastal runabout.

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 8-1

STAR YECCH! DEEP SHIT 69
CHAPTER VIII - THE LYEIN' KING,...
AND OTHER CAUSTIC FAIRY TALES

Special Guest Stars:
Armin Hammer as Quirk
Okrah Windbag as Marla
Penny Loafer as S'Marti Panz

STATION COMMANDER'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 9502.21: At this moment, I am choked with emotions,...not to mention a large rope around my neck! I've always wondered what the afterlife would be like,...but not this soon!

As chaos reigned supreme in the courtyard of the Justice Ministry, a bright light appeared and a female voice boomed over the din.

MLA: STOP!

All eyes turned towards the light, which was now assuming the shape of a black humanoid female. Additionally, all activity was frozen in time. Krisko hung, suspended, from the gallows. Phaser fire between Marine clones and the Hardassians stopped in mid-fire. The female overlooked the death and destruction surrounding her.

MLA: We, the GONADS, have watched this fiasco from afar! We cannot allow the death of the Emissary!

With that, she motioned her hands. Krisko found himself standing free on the gallows.. The weapons disappeared from the hands of the combatants and all stood around, dumbfounded.

KRS: Marla! You've returned!
MLA: Yes, Ben-the-Emissary.
KRS: But,...why...? I'm,...I'm,...dumbfounded.
MLA: Yes. I've read the preceding narrative. Your life cannot end until you have returned to the faithful and delivered our message.
KRS: I was trying to when I was captured by the Hardassians!
MLA: Yes, we know that, too. It was a test of your character. You showed great bravery in the face of death. But the testing is over. You shall return to the temple in the sky.

With that pronouncement, many Hardassians began to grumble and mutter complaints.

MLA: SILENCE!! This I say to you, Hardassians: Let the faithful live in peace! Let the Emissary go! Now,...Pick up your toys, clean up this goddamned mess and go home!

On DS 69, the Ops crew had been watching this fiasco unfold. Now Major Keepyer watched with reverent awe.

(What? No "awe" jokes?)
(No. This is a solemn moment in the story.)

KPR: It's,...it's one of the,..Prophets! I never dreamed I would live to see this day!

The Major dropped to her knees and promptly fainted. Dr. Bashful rushed to her side. The Major quickly recovered.

KPR: What,...what happened, Julius?
BSH: You fainted, Major.
KPR: Fainted?? I've never fainted before in my life!
BSH: It happens to the best of us, Major.
KPR: Impossible!
BSH: Fine! You didn't faint. You experienced a sudden drop in cerebral blood pressure, resulting from a hormonal change brought about by the vision of the Prophet.
KPR: Good. I can live with that.
BSH: I'll log it in my records as such.

Back on Hardassia, the GONADs allowed the Deflated to transport the Commander and the reminiscing Marines back to DS 69. After departing from Hardassian space, the crew settled in to rest up from their experience. As Krisko sat down on his bunk, the flash of light reappeared before him and took the shape of his beloved, Marla.

KRS: Marla! You're back!
MLA: Yes, Ben-the-Emissary. But I bring ill tidings to you.
KRS: Damn, even you get PMS?
MLA: No, something much worse. The Kai, Impala, is dead.
KRS: I,...whe,..how?
MLA: When the news of your imminent death reached her, she could not bear the stress of your passing.
KRS: Oh, no! This will throw Majora into chaos! She was holding the provisional government together.
MLA: Yes, we saw this event coming.
KRS: And you didn't try to stop it??
MLA: The GONADs exist in many time lines simultaneously. We knew of the existence of the event but not the specific linear moment.
KRS: Oh. That explains everything.
MLA: We must now ask you, Ben-the-Emissary, to assist the Majorans once more.
KRS: How?
MLA: The Majoran faithful look to you as our messenger. You must now choose Impala's successor.
KRS: Me?
MLA: Yes, you.
KRS: But,...but I'm not qualified to choose,...besides, this would violate our Prime Directive. I would be interfering with Majoran politics.
MLA: So? You Federation allowed Kim Jerk to violate this law many times without retribution. Even now, we sense his presence in many alien offspring.
KRS: Well, if you put it that way,...who do you think is qualified?
MLA: You must choose between Veddek Bariel oh-Munqies and Veddek Winnie Bagoe.
KRS: I'll have to call up our data files on the two of them.
MLA: There is no need. Here, I will assist you.

Marla placed her hands on Krisko's temples.

As Krisko and the GONAD passed hours "assisting" one another, Justa and Chief O'Brother conferred with the Marine commandant on the bridge.

MPT: O'Brother, that was some dogfight you put on down there! Pity my boys never got to put our plan into action, though.
MOB: If it's all the same with you, sir, I'm glad to be back in one piece. I'd completely forgotten how fierce those Hardies put up a fight.
JST: And Petty Officer Brooke held up well for his first time out. He seemed nervous about this on the flight over.
MPT: Yes, he was trained to be a killing machine, but sometimes he has his head in the clouds.
MOB: I have a somewhat lower opinion of him myself, sir.
MPT: Pardon?
MOB: Er,..nothing, sir.

Krisko exited his ready room and made for the bridge. Upon his arrival, he addressed Chief O'Brother.

KRS: Chief, what is our ETA back to DS 69?
MOB: At our current speed, sir,...I'd say six hours.
KRS: Hmmm. That's too slow, Mr. O'Brother. We have another crisis back on Majora.
MOB: Yes, sir. I'll prepare to jump to hyperwarp, sir.
KRS: Never mind, Mr. O'Brother. I'll do it myself.
MOB: But, sir,..why?
KRS: Because, O'Brother, white men can't jump!
MOB: Aye, sir.

As the Deflated approached DS 69, Major Keepyer hailed them.

KPR: Deflated! Peldar Joi! (Majoran for "Hail!")
KRS: Yo! DS 69 homies, wazzup?? (Ebonics for "Hail!") Permission to dock?
KPR: By all means, Commander! Docking Bay 12. And,...welcome back, Ben.
KRS: It's great to be back.

Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 8-2

As the Deflated docked, a crowd gathered around the exit. When the Marines, followed by Justa, O'Brother and finally Krisko exited, cheers rang through the station and people were wishing them welcome. All, except for Major Keepyer and her fellow Majorans, who greeted Krisko with solemn reverence.

KRS: So,...news of Impala's passing has already made it here?
KPR: Yes. The Congress of Holiness has announced that you are to pick the next Kai. Is it true?
KRS: According to the GONADs, yes.
KPR: The what???
KRS: The GO,...I'll brief you later on this, Major.
KPR: Please do, Commander. But have you made a choice?
KRS: The,...GONADs,...what your people have been calling the Prophets, have given me several choices.

With that pronouncement, Major Keepyer promptly dropped to her knees and prostrated before Krisko, who appeared ill-at-ease by all this attention.

KRS: Major!! Stand up and behave like an officer!
KPR: Aye, sir. May I ask if the Reverend Mother is one of the choices?
KRS: You mean Mother Mayii?
KPR: Yes, Ben.
KRS: Frankly, Keepyer, I think I need to consult with Starfleet Command regarding my position and the Prime Directive. Now, if you'll excuse me.
KPR: (sighing) Yes, sir.

As the somewhat joyous crowd milled about, Quirk made his way over to the pair and interrupted them.

QRK: Commander! Welcome home! I never thought anybody could worm their way out of Hardassian justice!
KRS: I had...a little help, Quirk. Now, if you'll excuse me,...
QRK: Of course! Freshen up! I've planned a "Welcome Home" party at my place for all of you! 1900 hours-sharp!
KRS: Quirk, you didn't have to do this.
QRK: Don't worry, Commander. I'm sending the bill to Starfleet.

Before Krisko could further protest, Quirk disappeared back into the crowd. Krisko excused himself and made his way back to his quarters, hoping to find his son. His absence at Krisko's arrival was a point of concern to the commander.

KRS: Jerk? Son, I'm home!
JER: Al,..Alright, Dad! I'll,..I'll be right out!

Jerk sounded breathless. Concerned, Krisko approached his son's room. Before he could open the door, Jerk greeted him. He was sweating and barely clothed. When Krisko looked over Jerk's shoulder, he saw a voluptuous Majoran girl in his bed, lying underneath Jerk's covers.

KRS: Jerk??
JER: Uh, Dad, you're home!
KRS: (icily) Yes, Jerk. I managed not to get hanged. I hope that doesn't interrupt your little tete-a-tete?
JER: No,..no,.Dad! I'm glad you're home. Now you can meet my girlfriend, S'Marti Panz.
KRS: Your,...girlfriend?
JER: You remember, Dad? The girl I met at Quirk's Place? The one with "the big dabos?"
KRS: Oh,..her. Well, I had other things on my mind when we last spoke.

As Krisko and his son made their way over to the living room, S'Marti Panz got dressed in a short blue skirt and joined them.

SMR: I,...I better leave you two alone.
JER: I'll see you later, OK?
SMR: OK. At the dom-jot tables?
JER: Ummmm,....
KRS: You play dom-jot???
JER: Well, I...
SMR: Are you, like, kidding? He's hustled the shit outta everyone at Quirk's!
KRS: Jerk, you and I have a lot to go over.
JER: Yeah, dad.

In the awkward silence that ensued, S'Marti left the apartment. Jerk noticed his father's gaze following her out the door.

JER: Ahem,...
KRS: You're right, Jerk. She does have a nice set of "dabos."
JER: Thanks, Dad.
KRS: Now, lets talk about my son, the hustler.

As the twosome spent some quality time together, Quirk's party gained momentum. Major Keepyer, having suitably grieved for the Kai, joined the festivities. She made her way over to the Marine contingent and struck up a conversation with Colonel Moppett-DeFleur.

KPR: So, Colonel, how do you think General Motars feels about your division's execution?
MPT: I'm sure he's completely in favor of it.
KPR: Really? Tell me more, Colonel.

As the two commanders discussed military tactics, Dr. Bashful managed to work Justa Broad into a corner at Quirk's and put the moves on her. Justa, however, attempted to put the brakes on him.

BSH: So, uh, Justa,..I guess you're glad to be back home?
JST: Sure. For awhile there, I really thought this would be the end of the Broad-Street line.
BSH: Pattison or Fern Rock?
JST: Excuse me?
BSH: Nothing. Inside joke. Anyway, I guess a lot of things went through your mind,..when it got close.
JST: Sure. That's a basic instinct in all people, I guess.
BSH: How about thoughts of me?
JST: In,..what way, Julius?
BSH: You and me,..a holosuite,..the beaches of Oceanus III,...
JST: Get real, Julius! I may have a woman's body now, but I still have Notta Broad's libido! Damn, look at the dom-jot table! That Majoran girl in the blue skirt's got one set of "dabos" on her!

As Julius stood, jaw-to-the-floor, Justa walked over to the dom-jot tables. As her stared after her, a waiter proffered him some food.

WTR: Scrod?
BSH: Royally.

Having refreshed himself, Commander Krisko entered Quirk's. Immediately, all festivities stopped and a round of applause filled the room.

As Krisko worked his way through the crowd, accepting the plaudits of the station's crew and residents alike, he spotted the spirit of Marla off in a corner. She beckoned him and he worked his way over to her.

MLA: Ben, you must make a choice.
KRS: But,...I,..can't! Not now! The ramifications of this are too great!
MLA: But, Ben,..Ben,...Ben,...

Krisko suddenly awoke and found himself lying on an unfamiliar bed with Marla shaking him.

KRS: Marla,..where are we? In the gasshole?
MLA: The what?
KRS: The gasshole. Near Deep Shit 69.
MLA: Deep Shit 69?? You mean Deep Ship's Station 9?
KRS: No, no, no. DS 69,..near the Majoran homeworld. The one we got from the Hardassians!
MLA: The hard...don't even mention them again! Ugh! They send shivers down my spine. If we ever go to war with them, they'll kick our asses all the way back to Vulcan! And who are these Majorans?
KRS: Marla, dear, I know this is going to sound really stupid, but...where am I? And where's Jerk?
MLA: You're home, in our apartment in 'Frisco. Jerk's asleep in his crib. And if you don't get you fat, black ass outta that bed, you gonna be late for your first day in you new assignment!
KRS: You mean DS 69?
MLA: Jeez, you really hit that Romulan ale good last night, didn't you?
KRS: Oh, God. I'm beginning to get a real hangover. Are you telling me...

MLA: Yes, dear. It was just a dream. It was all just a bad dream.

Spinning out in space,
Forever out of time,
I really can't keep pace,
With the ghastly rhyme.

THE END


OK,...YOU CAN STOP LAUGHING NOW!