Star Yecch! Wars Part 6

Meanwhile, back at the cavern, the cloaked figure approached Luke and Input. Pulling back his cowl, he revealed himself to Luke and smiled.

LUK: Who,...who,..
BEN: My word, you've become an owl!
IPT: Please identify yourself, sir. Are you one of Luke's "raiders?"
LUK: Yeah,...and speaking of them,...what happened to the rest of your gang?
BEN: I no longer have much of a "gang." The "Get-High" Knights' ranks grow thinner everyday.
LUK: Get-High Knights? That would make you,..Ben Cannoli! Input, he's no raider, he's a legend!
BEN: I'm afraid they weren't raiders, young Luke Spaceskipper.
LUK: You know my name?
BEN: I know may things, Luke. But I do not know what you possess that has brought the wrath of Vader's First Legion.
LUK: Vad,..Vader? Lord Deaf Vader's after me? Why? What did I do?
IPT: Perhaps a more pressing question is what happened to those troops?
BEN : I,..eliminated their threat.
LUK: Gosh, you saved our lives! What can I repay you with?
BEN: It's OK, Luke. You "Owe me one."

Before Luke and company had time to sort things out, Barf and the security detail stormed into the cave, phasers, drawn. Input moved quickly to head them off.

IPT: Barf, please st-stand down. These people are, are not a threat.
BRF: Input, are you well?
IPT: I am functioning within established parameters, Barf. Is the ship safe?
BRF: Yes, why do you ask?

Input relayed his story to Barf. After making the perfunctory greetings with Luke and Ben, the group began to head back to Updike's site. Luke and one of the security guards began to lift the smaller droid when they slipped, dropping the droid back to the floor of the cave. The droid whirred to life and began to project the Princess' visual playback on the wall of the cave. The video and audio were scratchy and appeared to be in auto-rewind mode. Ben cleared his throat.

BEN: Oh, my, this is troubling.
LUK: What is it? Do you know her?
BEN: I,...know her father. He is,..or was, an old friend. I have been sensing a disturbance in the air.
BRF: Forgive me, Ben. It is the quadrotriticale in my diet.
BEN: Not that disturbance, Mr. Barf.
LUK: Nevermind, Barf. What,..what's this all about, Ben?
BEN: Luke, there is something you should know about me. Like myself, the King was a member of the Knighthood,...and an active participant in the Resistance. This "message" means that he is dead and the Emperor has moved ahead with his plans.
LUK: The Knighthood? The Resistance? Right here on Ratt-a-Tattoouine?
IPT: What is this "Knighthood?"
LUK: I thought it was only a legend....
BEN: No, Young Luke, not a legend. We have moved about in secrecy since the Emperor disposed of the Libertarian Senate when the Senate attempted to disband the Imperial Revenue Service.
LUK: But,...but my Uncle Tom says you're nothing but a low-life drug runner.
BEN: (sighing) Yes, Luke, we Get-High Knights did profit from the drug trade. However, those profits have been used to purchase aid for the Resistance for years.

Luke walked off, collecting his thoughts. Barf moved towards the cave's entrance, then quickly returned.

BRF: We must move on. The Boobyprize's sensors are detecting a large fleet of ships moving this way. Commander Updike, in a typical move to save his own ass, has already returned.
IPT: Affirmative. We should beam these droids up as well. With Georgi's help, their memory chips should yield any additional information.

As the troops made preparations for the return, Ben informed Input that he and Luke would remain behind and return to Luke's family.

IPT: We shall return as soon as safety permits, Ben.
BEN: Very well, Mr. Input. May the,..Guidance be with you.

With that, the groups parted company. Ben and Luke reclaimed what they could from Luke's skimmer and transferred it to Ben's older land carriage and slowly made their way out of the valley. "How am I going to explain this to Uncle Tom?" was the foremost problem occupying Luke's thoughts as they made the trek over the featureless desert. His mood lightened when his home came into view on the horizon.

Suddenly, a force of dark Imperial X-File fighters swooped over them and past the dune horizon. In their wake, a flaming mushroom cloud arose.

LUK: Holy shit, Ben! X-File fighters! What did they hit?
BEN: I do not know, Luke. But let's move one; the truth is out there.

And indeed, the truth was revealed as they crested the next dune. Luke's heart sank as he saw what was left of his Uncle Tom's cabin. Before Ben could bring the land carriage to a stop, Luke leapt out, running towards the ruins.

LUK: Uncle Tom!! Aunt Eetah!! Anybody??

Ben rushed forward, tackling Luke into the sandy brush.

BEN: Luke! Be quiet, you fool!
LUK: What?? Why,...why them??
BEN: I do not know, Luke, but something tells me that message has far more dire consequences than I already presumed. We must get you out of harm's way.
LUK: How?
BEN: We'll contact your space friends and get you aboard their ship.
LUK: But what if Vader's troops already go to them?

Back on the Boobyprize, Dildeaux greeted the Away Team as they entered the bridge. The bridge crew was in high gear, making several evasive maneuvers to shake the pursuing Imperial fighters. After several stomach-wrenching minutes, Input gave the all clear.

IPT: Captain, the fighters have broken off their pursuit.
DLD: Very good. Number Two, all clear from red Alert. Continue Yellow Alert status, then get the Away Team back in my ready room. We need to have a serious discussion about our situation.

Star Yecch! Wars Part 5

After Luke loaded the three droids into his cramped skimmer, he set off into the northern valleys. He hoped a shortcut would get him home by supper.

As he cruised through the tight twists and turns of the valleys, he fantasized about his friends in the Resistance. He'd gone through this valley hundreds of times, imagining the Imperial Star Force behind each crevice and turn. "Someday," he thought, "I'll be up there with them, duking it out with the best the Emperor has to offer!"

Input stirred from his spot behind Luke, breaking the youth's reverie and causing him to momentarily lose control of the skimmer.

LUK: Hey, what the,...?
IPT: I am sorry, Luke. I could not afford to make my presence known until now. And your fantasizing is putting my robotic ass on the line!
LUK: You,..you can speak? All by yourself!
IPT: Yes. My duotronic interface system allows for spontaneous conversation.
LUK: But, but....
IPT: I shall endeavor to explain myself of you can avoid colliding with the valley wall ahead.
LUK: The what....??

As Luke turned back to his controls, he saw that indeed the skimmer was about to collide with an outcropping jutting from the side of the valley. With little margin for error, he pulled hard on the control stick. Just as Luke thought he's cleared the rocks, he clipped his wing against the opposite wall. The skimmer veered wildly as Luke attempted to correct his course.

IPT: Excuse me, Luke, but perhaps landing the craft would be the wisest action.
LUK: I can't, buddy! This area's swarming with raiders! They'll kill us before we get out!
IPT: Calculating our odds, I believe our survivability is best served by landing than by fighting with your craft.

Unfortunately, Luke did not have the time to consider his options. His engines failed and the skimmer slid into the valley floor, spinning around several times before coming to a grinding halt. Luke and Input leapt from the flaming cruiser, grabbing the other droids before seeking shelter, Moments later, the skimmer erupted into a shower of flaming fuel and debris.

LUK: Shit! We might as well send up a homing beacon to the marauders.
IPT: I, I believe we might seek shelter in one of these crevices until any danger passes.
LUK: Fine! Anything you say, buddy.

Dragging the droids with them the duo made their way into a small, poorly-lit cavern.

LUK: Aw, gees! I left my flares in the ship. I can't hardly see my hand before my face!
IPT: That is not a problem, Luke. I believe I may be, be of assistance.

With that, Input rose, pulled out a small phaser and fired into a group of rocks. The glow from the ignited rocks provided a small amount of light into the room.

LUK: Gee, thanks! But, for a droid, you sure have a lot of explaining to do!
IPT: I, I am sorry, but I fail to understand your classification of me as a "droid."
LUK: Well,...you're not a human, so what are you?
IPT: I am an artificial intelligence of the highest order, created to prove the functionality of duotronic computer matrices.
LUK: Er,...in English?
IPT: I thought that was in English. Perhaps if I try again in T'lingnan or Vulcan,...
LUK: Till,...Vulcan?? What part of the Empire do you come from?
IPT: I do not come from any "Empire." I am Input, Lieutenant Commander. I am the Science Officer aboard the U.S.S. Boobyprize, of the United Federation of Planets.
LUK: I'm lost.

Before Input could further explain his predicament, the cave was bombarded with phaser blasts.

LUK: Raiders! Get down!
IPT: But,...I, I don't understand. Perhaps I can hail my ship.
LUK: You have a ship? Up there?? Jeez, the Imperial Force'll blast them to plasma!

As suddenly as the attack started, it stopped, freezing the duo in mid-sentence. As Luke rose from his hiding spot, a cloaked figure entered the cave. Luke scrambled about for a weapon.

Back on the Boobyprize, a welcoming beep rose from Barf's console. Ensign Yo confirmed the good news.

YO: Captain, we've located Input, sir.
DLD: Terrific! Is he still alive?
BRF: I am receiving an energy signal similar to Input's, but the strength is fading. Judging from the interference, he must be inside a cave, or perhaps underground.
DLD: Good enough. Number Two, assemble an Away Team. Take plenty of expendable extras; you might encounter stiff resistance down there.
UPD: Aye, sir.

As Updike tagged Barf for duty, he paged Georgi from his Black Gang and a squadron of security extras.

Minutes later, the Away Team materialized in a narrow valley.

UPD: Barf, sensor readings?
BRF: They are the figures given by my tricorder. My Starfleet training allows me to interpret them.
UPD: Dammit, Barf, it me: Updike! You can knock off that wise-ass stuff now that the Captain's not around!
BRF: Grrr! A Klingon is never a "wise-ass." However, I am picking up readings of debris, approximately 250 meters due south of here.

UPD: Very good. Take a security detail and investigate.
LFT: Commander, I'm getting pretty strong readings from Input's matrix in that same direction!
BRF: I am reading life forms in addition to Commander Input's, sir. Several are,...expired, sir.

With an icy feeling in his stomach, Updike rushed the Away Team to the rescue.

Star Yecch! Wars Part 4

Meanwhile, on a desert planet, a young man tended to mending the sonar fences of his ranch when a large, aging ship flew overhead. Knowing what the ship signified, he dropped what he was doing and hopped into his sand skimmer. Moments later, he arrived at the main house. Bounding into the house, he bumped into an elderly man. Out of breath, he spoke:

LUK: Unc-uncle! Did you see? The, the droid ship is here!!
UNC: Yes, Luke, I did. Calm down, son. We have plenty of time to get there. They still have to clear customs.
LUK: Sorry, Uncle Tom. I'm,..I'm just eager to go to my first auction.
UNC: Ah-hmmm. SO eager, you didn't finish the fence, did you?
LUK: Sorry, Uncle Tom. I'll go back out and,...
ANT: And,...you'll do no such thing! Breakfast's ready, young man! There's little you can get done on an empty stomach.
LUK: Yeah,...sorry, Aunt Eetah.

Luke and his uncle made their way to the dinner table. After his aunt finished serving them, they settled into some small talk.

UNC: Did you hear about the Draggin's kid?
ANT: Long-Dong? What happened? is he hurt?
UNC: Naw,...nothing like that! Damned fool kid, up and ran off to join the Resistance!
LUK: Coo-oo-ol!
UNC: "Cool," my ass! Gonna get his keester shot off!
LUK: Gee, I'd like to help fight off the Emperor! Flying around, shootin' the bad guys! ROO-OARR! RAT-A-TAT-TAT!!
ANT: Luke!
UNC: Luke you idiot! Get them damn fool ideas out o' your head! I need you more tending to farm than the Resistance needs you fightin' a fool's errand!
LUK: But,...
UNC: But nothing! Dammit, Luke, it was thinkin' like that that got your parents killed.
LUK: Then,..maybe I'll go join the Knights!
UNC: The Knights??? They're extinct, you fool!
LUK: But what about "Old Ben?"
UNC: That drug-runnin' old coot? I think he's dipped into his own stock one time too many. (snorting) Thinks he's a Knight!
ANT: Enough of this foolish talk! Finish up and get to the auction! We'll be needin' good harvester drones for the season.
UNC: Yes'm, dear.

Meanwhile, in the Captain's ready room, Updike burst in from the bridge, interrupting Dildeaux's reverie.

UPD: Captain, good news!
DLD: What is it, Updike?
UPD: Well, sir, it's the opposite of bad news, sir.
DLD: Updi-i-ike! You're interrupting my Earl Grey-induced reverie.
UPD: Sorry, sir. We've located Input's ship, sir. It's on the planet we've been scanning.
DLD: (sighing) Very well, Number Two. Assume a high orbit and await further orders.
UPD: Aye, sir. Sir, is something bothering you? I'd thought you'd be happy about finding Input.
DLD: I am, Number Two. But this is,...a difficult set of circumstances. I am of two minds about how we should proceed.
UPD: Two minds? Uh-oh! Bridge to Sickbay: Doctor, you better get up here! The Captain's lithium is wearing off again!
CSH: On my way, Updike.
DLD: Dammit, Beverly! Belay that request! That, Number Two, was a figure of speech! I mean I wish to rescue Input, but following Starfleet protocol may, in this instance, violate the Prime Directive,..and how did you know I was on lithium?
UPD: I, er,...I...I better get back out on the bridge and get us into orbit, sir.
DLD: Updike!!

As Updike squirreled off to the bridge, Luke Spaceskipper and his uncle jetted out to the center of town and made their way to the massive droid vendor's ship.

Luke's uncle approached the chief vendor, a gnome-like man wearing heavy robes. Behind the vendor lay a large display of droids of various sizes. One peculiarly human-looking one caught his eye.

UNC: So, Dink-Dink, what are you going to shaft me with today?
DNK: Oh, Tom-human! Great and many are my wares this day! A droid you look for?
UNC: Several, actually. I need good harvesters. I've had a great planting season this year.
DNK: Oh, good! Good! Take look, you. Many to please, yes?

Uncle Tom made his way through the selection. Luke followed closely, studying his uncle's bartering skills, Eventually, Tom and Luke made their way to the droid that earlier caught Tom's eye. With skilled shrewdness, Tom began the dance.

UNC: This isn't your usual fare, Dink-Dink,...something new?
DNK: Yes, yes! Just, er,...'picked up' from other side of Imperium. Only one available, yes. Very rare, very expensive.

Tom and Luke both studied the droid carefully. Input, ever-careful not to breach the Prime Directive, remained impassive during their scrutiny. Seemingly satisfied, Tom turned to the vendor.

UNC: Name a price, Dink-Dink.
DNK: 20,000 I.C.
UNC: My hearing must be fading with age, Dink-Dink. I know I didn't hear you say 20,000 Imperial Credits!
DNK: You hearing fine! I say 20,000!
UNC: 20,000 will blow my entire budget. Surely, you can accept something less.
DNK: No, no. 20,000, firm. And not call me "Shirley."

Tome pondered for a moment before turning to Luke with a quick wink.

UNC: For 20,000 I.C., how about this droid and,...a couple of throwaways?
DNK: Fah! I not have 'throwaways!' All my stock good!
UNC: Right! And the Emperor was born yesterday.

The little droid vendor grumbled and pensive gestures before relenting.

DNK: OK. You win! Pick up after I sell "good" stuff.
UNC: Deal.

Tom and Luke watched the haggling go on for hours, until Dink-Dink was left with nothing more than a small, bettered servo-droid and a tall, officious-looking droid Tom recognized as a protocol Type II. The vendor finished his business, then brought all three droids over to Tom.

DNK: Here, here. All I got left. You take, as we deal, yes?
UNC: Hmmm. Not much of a "bargain' in this motley pack.
DNK: Oy! My reproductive organs! You are breaking them, yes?

Tom moved about, inspecting his purchases, letting the little loser sweat for a moment.

UNC: Alright, Dink-Dink. A deal's a deal. Let us draw out the papers over some ale.
DNK: Oh-h-h, yes! Ale,...good, good!
UNC: Fine. Luke, load these droids up and take them home. Tell your aunt I'm still doing business. I'll be back by sunfall.
LUK: OK, Uncle Tom.