Star Yecch! Wars Part 3

On the Imperial cruiser, Princess Liyar was roughly dragged into a conference room. Set free of the guards, she approached the high-ranking officer who had his back turned to her. She addressed him without preamble.

LYR: As nobility of the Empire, I demand an explanation for this treatment!!

The officer turned to face the princess.

TRQ: Considering, my dear, that your father has not sworn his support for the Emperor, your "royal' status us suspect at best and will afford you no grace on this ship.
LYR: Bran Muffin Tarq! I should have recognized your foul stench when I was dragged onto this ship! My father and my people will never capitulate to the Emperor!
TRQ: (sighing) Very well, my dear. My patience has worn thin dealing with "your people.' I'm afraid I'll have to turn this matter over to my superiors.

With a brief wave of Tarq's hand, the wall behind him folded away, revealing the command center of the ship. At its helm stood the black-cloaked figure of Deaf Vader. Liyar gazed at him for a moment, then took notice of the viewscreen behind him. She nearly fainted at the site before her. Vader turned and approached the princess.

VDR: Soooo, Princesss Liiyarr. We meet at laaasst.
LYR: Vader! You,...you,..monster! I see the Emperor has been forced to send his hearing-impaired lackey to do his dirty work again!
VDR: I preferrr "aurally deficient," but insults are beneath you. Do you recognize that structure on the viewscreen?
LYR: No,...not at all.
VDR: Coo-ome now, my dearrr. Do-oo not insult my intelligence.

The princess stood her ground, remaining silent.

VDR: Verr-ry well. The Empire has ways of dealing with insolence. This Genocide Star is His Holiness' latest method of ensuring allegiance. Do you recognize the planet to its left?
LYR: My left, or your left?
VDR: Huu-umor-rr,...it does you no justice. It is your home planet, Disinformatia. I will give you one last chance to persuade your father to decommission the Rebellion and get with the pogrom,...I mean, program.
LYR: Never!
VDR: Very well.

With a wave of his hand, several officers sprang into action. On the viewscreen, the Genocide Star was bathed with a greenish light. The light intensified, then finally burst forth in a stream of power towards the princess's planet. The planet glowed with the bombardment of the green light, then expanded, changing to an angry shade of red. Finally, the planet erupted, sending showers of hot sparks streaking across the cosmos.

LYR: NO-O-O-O-O!!! VADER, YOU BEAST!! The princess broke down, falling to the floor, sobbing. When she finally composed herself, she rose and faced the black beast.

LYR: What sort of man are you, Vader?? What possessed you to annihilate my people??
VDR: I aa-am driven by,...a powwwer greater than my own will.
LYR: The Schwartz?
VDR: No-oo-o. That would infringe upon another copyright. It is-ss,...something else. But never minds that no-o-ow. My need for you is over, Princess Liyar. Guards, throw her into an escape pod and release her. With luck, someone will find you,...NOT!

As the guards dragged the princess away, Tarq approached the commander.

TRQ: Lord Vader, what about the droid?
VDR: Hmmm?
TRQ: I said "WHAT ABOUT THE DROID?"
VDR: I was questioning your vague remark, not asking you to repeat it, Tarq!
TRQ: Sorry, my Lord. We found an old Type VII droid with the princess, sir. What should we do with it?
VDR: It is of no value to me,...dispose of it as you see fit.
TRQ: Yes, my Lord.

Mean while, on board the Boobyprize, the crew had settled into a routine of testing theory upon theory. As boredom crept upon the crew, Input suddenly broke in with startling news.

IPT: Captain, I-I'm picking up a sensor reading, bearing 070 Mark 20.
DLD: Can you identify it, Input?
IPT: Negative, sir. The ship is on the very edge of our forward scanners, sir.
DLD: Affirmative, Input. Ensign Yo, plot a course for that position, one-third IMpulse power.
YO: Aye, sir.
DLD: Barf, keep a constant scan on that reading. Keep me updated.
BRF: Aye, sir.

Several tense moments passed before Barf made an announcement.

BRF: Sir, it is a ship! Moving in our direction!
DLD: Very good, mister. Input, anything that matches the files?
IPT: Neg-negative, sir.
DLD: All right,...Ensign Yo: all stop. Barf, anything else?
BRF: Moderately sized,...weak life signs,..ion-drive powered.
IPT: Captain, the energy signature looks familiar.
DLD: In what way, Input?
IPT: Bio-mechanical energy signatures, sir. Several so far.
DLD: Androids?
UPD: Ion drive and artificial life-forms, sir? With those kinds of advancements, I don't think we'll have to worry about the Prime Directive.
DLD: Point taken, Number Two.
DLD: Input, forward screen.

The ship appeared as an unimpressive, rust-colored cockroach. Numerous burn marks scorched its hull.

BRF: Sir, weapons are powering up!
DLD: Shields up! red Alert!
IPT: We are being scanned, sir. High-intensity theta-band, sir.
UPD: Captain, the theta-band emissions will disrupt the warp core!
DLD: Understood, Number Two. Yo, full reverse, course 180!
YO: Aye, sir,......sir, the helm isn't responding!
DLD: Bridge to Engineering: Georgi, what's happening??
LFT: Those scans are dampening the warp drive, sir. I can't get any power through the converters!
DLD: Divert power from non-essential systems, LaFart!
LFT: Aye, sir.

Before the crew could react to the incursion, a beam of light appeared on the bridge. It circled the room, contacting several people before stopping at Input's station. The light grew brighter, blinding the crew. When the light faded, Input was missing.

YO: Captain, Input's gone!
BRF: Captain, the other ship is powering up its ion-drive!
UPD: We'll never catch them if they warp! We need to disable those engines before they get going!
BRF: Captain, I'm detecting Input's signature on board the ship.
DLD: Barf, quick burst phasers to their aft emissions exhaust.
BRF: Aye, sir.

Before Barf could enable the phasers, the alien ship warped away from them. Dejected, the Captain sank into his command chair. Sensing his dismay. Yo worked quickly at her station.

YO: Captain! I think we can still track them!
DLD: How, Ensign?
YO: Gas!
DLD: So, you're having trouble with Giaboni's cooking, too?
YO: No, sir. The ship's emissions are nothing more than charged gas! Their ion coils are,...failing, or misaligned, sir. My sensors are lighting up like a Roman candle, sir.
DLD: Affirmative, Ensign. Barf, plot a course following them
BRF: Aye, sir.
DLD: Updike, are there any inhabited planets along that course?
UPD: Checking, sir. Yes, one planet, 5.6 light-years from here. Mostly desert, sparsely populated, Class M. Tech level II.
DLD: Hmmm. A "backwater" planet. Very good, Number Two. Continue pursuing the ship. I'll be in my ready room, Number Two. You have the conn.
UPD: Aye, sir.

R.I.P. James Doohan

This post represents a moment of silence for "Scotty"

Star Yecch! Wars Part 2

Meanwhile, in that place far, far away, a massive ship cruised through space, pursuing a smaller craft. On the bridge of the larger ship, a darkly-cloaked man strode forth from an antechamber. Upon hearing his approach, a yeoman alerted the bridge crew.

YEO: All make way for Lord Deaf Vader! And remember to shout very loudly in his presence!

The figure entered the bridge. Crewmen stood and saluted. A nervous energy crackled through the bridge as Vader came to face the officer of the day.

VDR: Haaaah,.....repooorrt, Commaaander?
CMD: THE PRINCESS' SHIP IS WITHIN OUR SENSOR RANGE, LORD VADER!!!
VDR: Theeeere's nooo need to shout, Commaaandeeer! I'm wearing my aural enhancement hel-l-lmet.
CMD: Yes,...yes,sir...Lord Vader. My apologies, sir.
VDR: And eliminate that yeomaaan. He is a smart asssss and displeases me.
CMD: Yes, my Lord.
YEO: No! Wait! I'm not really a smart-ass, my Lord! I'm just written that way!

As the smart-ass yeoman was dragged away, Vader turned his attentions back to the commander.

VDR: Haaaah! Activate the retracting beammm.
CMD: Yes, my Lord.

Meanwhile, on the smaller ship, a petite woman made her way past hurrying crewmen. She slipped into a storage room and nearly stumbled over a small canister vacuum. Actually, upon inspection, she found that it was, in fact, one of the ship's maintenance droids, OU812. Sensing her presence, the droid activated.

LYR: OU812! Where have you been?? I need you to get a message to one of my friends, quickly!!

The little droid beeped and whirred in confirmation. When is was ready, a flashing light confirmed to the woman that the droid was recording. A blue light bathed her.

LYR: This message is intended for Sir Ben Cannoli: I am Princess Liyar, daughter of your friend, King Pinocchio the Obfuscator. We need your help and the help of the rest of the Knights! The Resistance is crumbling! I am encoding details of the Empire's latest weapon in this droid's mainframe. The Knights need to get this to the Resistance and liquidate it immediately!

Again, the droid whirred and squeaked to confirm the recorded message. As the Princess stood up, she was jolted by a sudden lurch on the ship. She pressed a communicator on her wrist, summoning her assistant. As she exited the room, she bumped into an extremely tall, pallid man in a tuxedo.

LCH: Yo-oo-ou ran-nn-ng??
LYR: No, no! Wrong "sudden Lurch!" Dammit, if you're going to write this story, get your sub-references right!

(sorry)

LYR: Now, let's get back to the story at hand!

As the Princess turned down the corridor, she was met by several burly guards in Imperial battle garb. After a brief struggle, she was detained and dragged roughly down the hall.

Meanwhile, back on the Boobyprize, the Captain and his senior officers conferred on their next move. It was somewhat disquieting that even Giaboni was in attendance.

DLD: All right ladies and gentlemen, what do we have so far?
CSH: No significant casualties reported to Sickbay, other than the usual time-warp disruptions that occur with the newer personnel.
IPT: Stellar cartography is working on our position, sir, but,...
LFT: The engines were strained so badly, they pulled power away from the ship's log sub-routine. Some of the diaries have lost memory.
UPD: Whew! I hope that includes my Riisian fantasy with Ensign Yo!
YO: Commander??!!
DLD: Updike,...
BRF: Grrr! That explains the loss of my favorite opera, the "VulqanganHom yIH!!"
YO: (snorting) "The Little Vulcan Tribble??"
BRF: It is,...a 'comedy," as I understand the context.
YO: Yeah,...OK.
BRF: Ghewmey Dangej!
YO: "Cooties!!" Is that the best comeback line you can...
DLD: Yo! Barf!! Bijathlh 'e' yImev!!! Klingon comedies and Majoran "cooties" be damned! This won't get us back to Federation territory! Now, everybody, think up some decent solution to this!!

As the captain continued his rant, Giaboni quietly rose from her seat and approached the apoplectic commander.

GIB: Captain, all of our equipment, our technology,...they are useless in this case.
DLD: Why?
GIB: We have not only crossed out of our own time frame, we have jumped into a completely different marketing venture. Copyrights have been infringed, merchandising has been corrupted. There is now only one solution.
DLD: And that is...?
GIB: Litigation.

A hushed gasp passed through the room.

UPD: Litigation? But I thought all lawyers were eliminated in "The Great Awakening?"
IPT: It, it is a long-held belief that all lawyers were killed in the Social Upheaval of 2017. In fact, very few lawyers survived. Most of the Libertarian-led citizens' anger was directed at Revenue Collection Enforcement Agents; dead lawyers were, actually, a fortunate level of collateral damage.
DLD: Hmmm. "First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers."
GIB: I think, Captain, our first priority is to get legal advice.
DLD: Yes,..."make it so."
GIB: And by the way, Captain, you better get a trade patent on that phrase before George Lucas gets hold of it!

Star Yecch! Wars Part 1

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 9703.21. I have placed the ship on liberty, having successfully concluded Boobyprize's first diplomatic mission. We are leaving the orbit of planet Alta, home to the Altoids, a curiously strong people and difficult to negotiate with.

The Captain left his ready room and returned to the bridge. It was with satisfaction and relief to see that things were proceeding smoothly. He took his seat at the conn and addressed his XO, Commander Updike.

DLD: Report, Updike.
UPD: Things are proceeding smoothly, sir.
DLD: Yes, I read that in the narrative. I'm relieved to hear this.
UPD: Yes, sir. I read that in the narrative, sir.
DLD: Don't try to one-up me, Number Two.
UPD: Yes, sir.

As the officers continued to engage in their briefing, Input turned and addressed them.

IPT: Oh, C-Captain,...my-my captain, sir.
DLD: Yes, Input?
IPT: I'm picking up a strange disturbance on the long-range scan-scanners, sir.
DLD: Can you identify it, mister?
IPT: One, one moment, sir. I'm calibrating the sensors, sir. Bearing 148, Mark 42. It appears to be a cloud of Wat'sa matter, sir!
UPD: Wat'sa matter??
IPT: Nothing, sir! Wat'sa matter with you? Ha! Ha! Ha!
DLD: Input!!!
IPT: Sorry, sir-ir. I am having a problem again with my emotions chip, sir.
DLD: Mr. Input! I've had about enough of this out of you! Consider yourself relieved of duty! Return to your quarters and I'll have Mr. LaFart look you over!
IPT: Aye-aye,...sir.

Dejected, Input exited the bridge. Barf moved swiftly to replace him.

UPD: Captain, that was a bit harsh, sir. Input was only making a joke! And we are on liberty, sir.
DLD: Liberty or not, jokes like that will get us killed, Number Two!
UPD: I,..uh, know it's not my place to say this, sir,...but, until your recent success with the Altoids, sir,...well,...you weren't the most popular commander in Starfleet. And Input is a very prominent figure back home, sir.
DLD: Surely, you don't expect me to apologize, Number Two?
UPD: No, I don't, sir. And don't call me Shirley, sir.
DLD: One more upstage like that and you'll be commanding a Silurian freighter! You know about Silurians, Updike,..all male crews,..long transports,...
UPD: (Swallowing) Sorry, sir. It won't happen again.
DLD: See to it, Number Two. However, I will go speak with Input. You have the conn.
UPD: Aye, sir.

Dildeaux debated with himself as he made his way down the hall towards Input's quarters. Arriving at Input's door, he hesitated momentarily before ringing. In all his years of command, he'd never been called upon to reverse such a decision; but Input's special status required special handling.

Input did not meet the Captain at the door when it opened. Ordinarily, Dildeaux would have considered this a serious breach of etiquette, but let the occasion pass. He felt a familiar sensation against his legs and looked down to identify it. Much to his chagrin, it was Input's pet cat, a Rigellian striped Manx that Input had quirkily named "Spot." The cat continued to rub against the Captain's legs as he approached the seated Input.

DLD: (muttering) Out, damned Spot! Input, can you not do something about this creature?
IPT: Sor-sorry, Captain. In my research, I have observed that most felines have a remarkable streak of independence to them. Take the Omegan lion-cat for example...
DLD: Not now, Input. I'm here to discuss your behaviour today on the bridge.
IPT: I, I apologize for that, sir. As you suggested, I spoke with Georgi after being relieved.
DLD: What did Lieutenant LaFart suggest?
IPT: He gave me these books to read, sir.

Input handed the books to the Captain. Dildeaux was somewhat surprised to find a member of his crew in possession of such hardbound paper antiques. A quick glance at the titles piqued his interest.

DLD: "Emotions for Dummies?"..."The Idiots Guide to Self-Expression?" I believe your friend is having a bit of fun with you, Mr. Input.
IPT: On the contrary, sir, these books have helped me sort out some of the pathway problems I have been experiencing with the emotions chip, sir.
DLD: Well, Input,...I only stopped by to,...

Before Dildeaux could finish groveling, a hail from the bridge interrupted him.

DLD: Yes, Number Two?
UPD: Sensors indicate we have encounters a Chronos ribbon, sir. The gravitic pull is beginning top strain the engines!
DLD: Affirmative Number Two: Yellow Alert! Input, consider your self reactivated. Come with me!
IPT: Aye, sir.

As the two men (OK, one man and an android!) exited the turbolift, Updike briefed them over the whine of the engines as the ship struggled to break free of the string.

UPD: Georgi says the warp drive will overload soon if we don't break away from this thing.
BRF: Captain, why not launch a photon torpedo as the string's source?
DLD: Barf, this is not the time for Klingon-style brute force! Let's think this through, first!
BRF: (grumbling) P'Takh!
DLD: Excuse me, Mr. Barf?
BRF: Just sneezing, sir!
IPT: The Captain is correct, Barf. Exploding a Chronos string will destroy any potential time lines emanating from this point.
DLD Are you saying we ay be able to alter our present destiny and escape from our current fate at the hands of this insane Kurt Vonnegut-wannabe?
IPT: precisely, sir; but that's not important right now.
LFT: Engineering to bridge: Captain, the magnetic couplers are beginning to buckle. I anticipate a warp-core breach in approximately 5 minutes!
IPT: 4 minutes, 17 seconds to be exact, Captain.
DLD: Gentlemen, we're killing ourselves running away from this, right?
UPD/IPT/BRF: Yes, sir.
DLD: Then why not try running right at it? Ride the time distortion waves?

All eyes turned to Input, who looked dumbfounded.

UPD: Mr. Input, why didn't you think of that??
IPT: I, I, I'm dumbfounded, sir.
UPD: Yes, I read that in the narrative.
DLD: Excuse me, but I thought of it, so give credit where credit's due!
IPT: The plan is logical. However, according to the writings of such experts in time distortion as Scheissekopf and Tete du Merde, if we slip out into one of the wave's eddies, we may be lost in another parallel time line.

Dildeaux took his seat in the captain's chair and pondered for a moment before uttering his trademark phrase:

DLD: Input,....make it so.
IPT: Aye, sir.
DLD: Barf, sound red alert.
BRF: Aye, sir.
DLD: Updike, make me a cup of tea,...Earl Grey,...hot.
UPD: Aye, sir. (muttering) With a drop of curare to boot.
DLD: Did you say something, Number Two?
UPD: Uh,...a problem with the,..uh,..shields, sir. The replicators won't boot up, sir,..the power is being diverted.
DLD: Damn! My personality depends on Earl Grey tea! Have Giaboni send some up later.

Amid the klaxon and dimmed red lights, the crew swung into action like a well-oiled machine. Albeit, it was a machine desperately in need of an oil change. Ensign Yo's fingers moved across her control board with lightning speed, straining to keep the ship together.

YO: Captain, I'm having difficulty maintaining the ship's attitude, sir!
DLD: Barf, get up there and give Yo some help adjusting her attitude.
BRF: An attitude adjustment? With pleasure, sir!
DLD: Not her attitude, Mr. Barf, the ship's attitude!!
BRF: Oh,...sorry, sir.

Dildeaux turned to Updike and Barf and the Majoran ensign set about their task.

DLD: Number Two,...is it me, or does Barf seem a bit,..friskier since Dr. Chestcrusher put him on a high-fibre diet?
UPD: It's the quadrotriticale, sir.
DLD: Hmmm. A Klingon Tribble? What a paradox!
UPD: Not unlike good writing and this series, eh, sir?

Suddenly, the ship lurched and appeared to be shaking itself apart. The bridge was filled with chaos.

DLD: Dammit, Number Two! I thought we eliminated all of the chaos-yielding material after the last retrofit!!
UPD: I'll take it up with the chief mechanic at the Rube Goldberg yards if we make it, sir!

Just as suddenly as the lurching started, the ship stabilized. Damage reports flooded the bridge. An alert crewman pulled the drain plug from under the forward console, thus allowing the flood to drain away. Input turned to make a startling report to the Captain.

IPT: Sir-ir,..I cannot obtain a stellar landmark.
DLD: Try cross-referencing our position with the Altoids' database on forward star systems.
IPT: Aye, sir. Just a moment, sir.
YO: Captain, you're not going to believe this!
DLD: Ensign Yo, part of space exploration is believing the unbelievable.
YO: OK, sir, but,..the ship's chronometer is off the scale, sir.
DLD: I don't believe it!
IPT: Captain, I believe I have successfully plotted our location, sir.
DLD: Very good, Input. Where are we?
IPT: We appear to be in a place far, far away,.....in a time long, long ago.

Star Yecch! Wars

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO
GO WATCH A SCI-FI MOVIE THIS SUMMER...

CEREBRAL BLACKHOLE PRODUCTIONS
PREVENTS...


STAR (YECCH!) WARS!!

Hey, if Spielberg and Lucas can whore themselves for $100 million, why can't I get in on this?

STAR YECCH! WARS

The Cast of Caricatures

Jacques Tootite as Captain Jean-Luc Dildeaux
Jonathan Flakes as Commander Updike
Max Headroom as Lt. Commander Input
Ginger Snapps as Dr. Beverly Chestcrusher
Michael Dornobb as Lieutenant Barf
Virginia Hamm as Ensign Yo Babe
Whoopi Cushion as Giaboni
Dick Sammich as Lieutenant Georgie LaFart
Louis D. Seizieme as Luke Spaceskipper
Norman Conquest as Han Gover
Patty de Foie-Gras as Princess Liyar
Paul Bearer as Deaf Vader
Tom A. Hawke as Omi-One "Ben" Cannoli
Gene Poole as Chewen-Tobacca

Star Yecch! Deep S**t 69,..Opening Credits

Star Yecch! Deep S**t 69 The Complete Works

An Elliptically Episodic Melodrama of Piquant Prose

(Not to Mention Alliteration of Great Alacrity!)

"To Read,..Perchance to Dream"

This Series is Brought to You By:

NO-DOZ

"If You're Going to Read This Straight Through, You'll Need Deez, Lest You Doze"

And By:

Haldol

"Haldol, take me away!"

(You See, this is supposed to be a take-off on the old "Calgon" commercials and,...oh, never f**king mind!)

In space,...no one can hear you laugh!
CAST OF CARICATURES:
Avery Blackman as Commander Benjamin Krisko
Notta Visitor as Major Keepyer Handsoff
Rene Sauce-Bearnaise as Security Chief Odor
Ima Meaney as Operations Chief Miles O'Brother
Chuck Waggon as Doctor Julius Bashful
Sal Lammi as Quirk
Kareem Awheat as Jerk Krisko, the Commander's Son
Terri Cloth as Science Officer, Lt. Justa Broad

Prologue

After a long war between the Hardassians and the Federation, Starfleet at long last succeeded in repelling the marauding Hardassian forces. Resulting from the victory, it came to light that the Hardassians had colonized the Labia Majora system. This system is home to the Majorans, an ancient and deeply spiritual people whose artistic and scientific abilities reached their zenith while humans were first inventing the wheel. The Hardassians, seeking every resource available to drive their war machine, plundered the Majoran homeworld, leaving Majoran society in ruins.

As a result of the Hardassian peace treaty, the Hardassians were forced to turn over their claim to the Majoran system and allow Majorans self-rule. The Federation, in turn, promised the Majorans that they would oversee the transformation of the provisional government and provide protection to the Majorans until such time as they could return back to the once-proud people of their past.

In relinquishing their claim on Majoran space, the Hardassians were also forced to turn over control of their military-owned, but neutral, space port, "Deep Ship's Station Number 69;" more commonly known to the freighter and pirates in the region as,..."Deep Shit 69."

However, when the Hardassian militia evacuated Deep Shit 69, they stripped away the majority of their advanced hardware, leaving DS69 as nothing more than a junked hull, populated by several not-so-friendly and basically annoyed civilians to fend for themselves.

Thus begins our story,...