Star Yecch! Wars Part 15

As Han severed the communications, he turned to the awe-struck pair with a smile. Liyar rose from her chair and nearly slapped Han's head off his shoulders.

HAN: OO-OU-CCH!!! What the hell was that for?
LYR: You no-good slimeball!! You've just sold our death warrants and you're asking me why I slapped you?? Just be glad I didn't grab Luke's light cutlass to cut your head off!!
HAN: Re-e-lax, lady. This is all part of the plan! I couldn't let you two in on Updike's secondary assignment because Vader would get suspicious if you didn't look genuinely surprised!
LUK: I think you're still bullshitting us!
HAN: Look, Luke, those Federation people can't get close enough to Vader's ship to take out the Genocide Star head-to-head. When we get on board, Vader will want to gloat. You and Liyar can get in close enough to the working center of that thing. When you get the chance, you need to slip this little homing beacon onto the control computer. Then you both have to stir up a commotion. That will let Chewie and I sneak back on board the Centennial Sparrow and escape before the Boobyprize launches a photon torpedo at the homing beacon.
LYR: And if we don't succeed?
HAN: Then we'll die as heroes to the Resistance.
CHW: Aoorr! Rucking Ringons!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie. That would make that steroid-pumped psycho, Barf, happy. I think he was calling it "A good day to die!"

Another lurch jolted the ship as Vader reeled in his victims. As the Centennial Sparrow settled into a berth on board the Dark Helmet, a squadron of Imperial Storm Troopers surrounded the pirate cruiser. One by one, the crew was escorted off the ship and marched into Vader's chambers. Once there, Vader greeted them. He wore an evil smirk on his face as he turned to address them.

VDR: Haaah! How could I have an ee-evil smirk on my face if I'm wearing a hel-l-met?

(Details, details!)

Okay, so Vader was wearing a new and improved "emotionally-enhanced" helmet, thus giving his prey the appearance of wearing a smirk.

VDR: Be-e-ttterrr. Now, I musst thank you, Mr. Goooverr. Your service to Hiss Holiness shall not go unrewaarrded.
HAN: Thank you, Lord Vader.
CHW: Roo-ergh!
VDR: Now, go with these guards. They shall tend to your ship while I deall with thesse two upsstartss.

Vader waited until Han and Chewie had left the room before addressing Luke and Liyar.

VDR: Sooo, Princesss, wee meet again.
LYR: If I could, I'd wipe that emotionally-enhanced smirk right off your face!
LUK: Trust me, sir: she'll do it!
VDR: Still possessed of that feisty Resistance attitude, eh? Weelll, it shall avail you nothing. Soo-oo-onn, I shaaall turn the Genocide Star on every Resistance-allied planet in the Galaxy,...unless they capitulate to Hiss Holinessss.
LYR: Do you expect us to help?
VDR: No, my dear. I expect the two of you to die. Your deaths sha-aall be an example of the Empire's might.
LUK: How,...how do you plan on doing it, Vader?
VDR: Haaah. Come with me and I shall show you.
LYR: (whispering) This is too easy!
VDR: Hmmm? Did you say something?
LYR: Uh,....I said, "That emotions mask looks kinda cheesy!"
VDR: Yesss. Blame the writer. It was a last-minute construct to get out of the narrative corner he painted himself into.

Vader and several guards escorted the pair into a large chamber. The Genocide Star loomed ahead of them. Luke, feigning curiosity, broke free of his guard and approached it. Quickly, the guards hustled him back to Vader's side. Liyar looked anxiously over at him, but a quick wink allayed her fears.

Meanwhile, on the Boobyprize, Input reported the news to Captain Dildeaux.

IPT: Sir, the homing device has been activated.
DLD: Very good, Mr. Input. Aleert Commander Updike of the beacon's coordinates and tell him to begin executing plan Updike Epsilon 4.
IPT: Aye, sir.

On the shuttlecraft Anthrax, Barf relayed Captain Dildeaux's command.

UPD: Barf, did you say "Epsilon 4?"
BRF: Actually, sir, no, I did not. It was assumed in the narration.
UPD: Oh.
BRF: We are approaching the Dark Helmet, Commander.
UPD: Have we been scanned, Barf?
BRF: I do not believe so, sir. I am approaching from an obtuse vector. I shall need only to get a lock onto the homing beacon to launch the photon torpedo.
UPD: Very good, Barf,...Barf, did you just say "obtuse?"
BRF: Yes, sir. I am trying to improve my vocabulary. Ensign Yo seemed to suggest that my speaking skills were an impediment to effective mating.
UPD: Ye-eah,...