Star Yecch! Wars Part 13

Luke quickly exited the cave and made for the Centennial Sparrow. Much to his surprise, a squadron of Federation expendable extras had joined into the fray and was making headway against Vader's men. As Vader sounded the retreat, Luke scrambled into Han's ship, stumbling into Princess Liyar. Moments later, Han, Barf, and Chewie followed suit.

HAN: Quick, Chewie, fire up the ion drive!
CHW: Aarroogh!
BRF: I have contacted the Boobyprize, Han. They say they are battling Vader's flagship and suggest we should escape into orbit around this planet's moon until the battle ends.
HAN: Bullshit! Now, this thing's gotten personal! I want a piece of that asshole as much as the next guy!

As the Centennial Sparrow rushed from the surface of the planet, the Boobyprize engaged Vader's ship in a tremendous dogfight.

UPD: Aroof! Bark! Bark! Arf!
DLD: Oh, now stop doing that, Number Two! It's just plain silly!
UPD: But the narrative said,...
YO: Sir, Vader's shuttle is trying to make it back to the main ship!
DLD: Target phasers on that ship!
IPT: I, I do not believe that is necessary, sir. The Centennial Sparrow is pursuing Vader's ship.
DLD: Dammit! I gave Barf strict orders to retire from this battle! The Princess is on board. Yo, hail them!
YO: Aye, sir.
UPD: Sir, the shuttle has made it back! Vader's ship is withdrawing!
DLD: Affirmative, Number Two. Yo, belay that order and instruct the Sparrow to rendezvous with us. Input, plot a pursuit course.
YO/IPT: Aye, sir.

As Han came amidships, the Boobyprize beamed Liyar, Luke and Barf back on board. Dildeaux made for Sickbay to greet them. Dr. Chestercrusher greeted the anxious Captain as he entered the room.

CSH: Relax, Jean-Luc! They're all fine. Just some minor bruises and such.
DLD: Great news, Beverly. And what of Barf?
CSH: Klingon stubbornness to the nth degree. Refuses to let me touch him.
DLD: Fine. As you were, Beverly.

Dildeaux made his way to Barf's gurney while Beverly slipped back into her Venusian Secrets lingerie. Seeing his commander, Barf rose from the table.

DLD: Mr. Barf, what happened?
BRF: Mr. Gover chose to pursue Vader, like a true Klingon!
DLD: Hmmm. I'll take that up with him later. For now, I need a quick debriefing from you before we catch up with Vader's ship.
BRF: Aye, sir.

Barf quickly relayed the events in Yogurt's cave.

DLD: (sighing) I regret the loss of Mr. Cannoli, Barf, but his sacrifice did buy time for the rest of you.
BRF: Grrr. Ben Cannoli may have been a drug smuggler, but his spirit was much like a true Klingon. If I may speak freely, sir, I may,...enjoy,...this sector of space.
DLD: Well, Mr. Barf, don't get too comfortable! We'll get back to federation space, yet!

Barf and Dildeaux continued to walk to the Captain's Ready Room, where Luke and the Princess were waiting for their arrival. Princess Liyar sat quietly in a chair, while Luke, standing by a porthole, gazed out at the stars. Both rose and gathered with the Captain at his briefing table.

DLD: Luke, did you get the schematics?
LUK: Uh,...yeah, Captain. Yogurt handed them to me when he gave me Ben's light cutlass.
DLD: Oh, yes. I'm very sorry for your loss, Luke.
LUK: When I get the chance, Captain, I'm going to kill that bastard!!
LYR: Luke,! Please!! We all miss him, but we need to think about the Resistance first!
BEN: (She's right, Young Luke. Vengeance is not always the way of a Knight.)
LUK: What did you say, Captain?
BEN: (My body is gone, Luke, but my spirit will guide you. It is as Yogurt said. It is the way of the Knights.)
LUK: There! I heard it again!
DLD: Luke, nobody has spoken in the past few moments but you. Are you feeling well?
LYR: Maybe in all the excitement, Luke, you banged your head.
LUK: No, Your Highness! I'm hearing voices in my head!
DLD: You, too?? I've heard them for quite some time.
LUK: Yeah? Do they sound like someone you know?
DLD: Sometimes,....and at other times they sound like little elves chattering in a meadow, and,...
BRF: A-hemmm!
DLD: Oh, sorry, Luke. I didn't mean to go on like that.
BRF: Captain, would you like me to page the doctor? I believe it is time for your lithium injection, sir.
DLD: Dammit, Barf, not you, too! Everybody talks to himself or herself from time to time! After all, the strain of command, the constant backstabbing,...
LYR: I,...er,...think we should get back to the matter at hand, gentlemen. The Captain's mental health concerns can wait until we stop Vader's war effort. And please, Captain, could you stop rolling those ball bearings around in your hand?? They're giving me a headache!

Updike happened into the Ready Room as Dildeaux was dissolving into his Queeg-like persona.

UPD: Losing it again, sir?
DLD: No, Number Two,..and wipe that feces-eating grin off your face! I have everything under control! I'm in charge here!
UPD: Yes, Captain. Barf, add "Al Haig Syndrome" to the list for Dr. Chestcrusher.
BRF: Aye, sir.
DLD: Number Two! Did you come in here just to annoy me, or are you going to contribute to this plan?
UPD: Well, sir,..since you put it that way...
DLD: Oh, never mind! Just sit down and go over these schematics.

Over the next hour, the group pored over the Genocide Star's plans. Ideas were proffered and withdrawn over again. Finally, a consensus was reached.

DLD: Very well, gentlemen,...and lady. That settles it. Barf, signal Mr. Gover of our plan.
BRF: Aye, sir.
DLD: Number Two, assemble an Away Team and beam back to the Centennial Sparrow as soon as possible.
UPD: Aye, sir.
LUK: Captain, permission to accompany Commander Updike?
DLD: Well,...
UPD: Sir, it is quite possible that we may return to our own timeline after this. Having Luke and the Princess on board could complicate matters.
DLD: Very good, Number Two. Point well taken.
UPD: Thank you, sir! You know, sir, I have a few other suggestions that I...
DLD: Don't let an errant cerebral fart go to your head, Number Two!
UPD: Yes, sir.

Several minutes later, the Captain greeted the Away Team in the transporter room. In the uneasy tension growing before the mission, he expected to speak with the team.

Star Yecch! Wars Part 12

For what seemed like hours, the group trudged through the steamy swamp. Finally, at the point of exhaustion, they reached an unassuming cavern.

BRF: The tricorder's sensors indicate the life force is coming from within that cavern.
BEN: Let me enter first. He was a master assassin in his prime and may not look kindly upon our presence.
CHW: Rooagh!
HAN: What, Chewie?

The group turned to see a small, gnome-like figure exit the cave. Leaning heavily on an ornate walking cane, he approached the group. Ben moved to speak as the elderly man smiled.

BEN: Master Yogurt! It's Ben, your old student.
YGT: Ben? (musing) Oh, Yes! Ben Cannoli! My old friend, how are you?
BEN: The years have treated me well, but I have come in dire need of your assistance.
YGT: What's wrong, old friend?
BEN: (sighing) The story is a long one, Master. May we enter your home and I shall explain it?
YGT: Yes, yes! Certainly! Come in! Come in!

As the gang settled in, Ben made the proper introductions. Jaws dropped in awe in recognition of his name.

HAN: "Yogurt, the Wise!"
LYR: "Yogurt, the Brave!"
LUK: "Yogurt, the Great!"

The old gnome demurred before such praise.

YGT: Please, please, my young plagiarizers! To all of you, I'm just plain Yogurt!
BEN: Master Yogurt, I see you've done well by yourself. How did you do it?
YGT: Merchandising! I own the rights to everything Spielberg and Lucas couldn't nail down! Look over here!

Yogurt led them to a large display case full of trinkets and apparel.

YGT: Let's see,...I've got "Star Yecch Wars" - the action figures; "Star Yecch Wars" - the breakfast cereal; I even have "Star Yecch Wars" - the child-molester-proof baby booties! Red seems to be my best seller!
HAN: What? No "Yogurt-the Wise" dolls?
YGT: A doll? Fah! Why would I stoop to such a crass item like that? It'll never sell!
BEN: Very well, Master. But we do have to get down to the business at hand.

As Ben related the story thus far, Yogurt nodded in empathy and recognition. When Ben was finished, Yogurt stood and paced the room.

YGT: I always knew that little prick Vader would end up doing no good!
LUK: Then you'll help us, Master Yogurt?
YGT: It would be my pleasure, Young Luke!
BEN: Master, we need the schematics of a new Imperial weapon: the Genocide Star. Can you help us obtain them?
YGT: I believe I have a copy in my possession. I traded some "Star Yecch Voyeur" merchandise for them. That show'll never amount to much until they bring in some hot-blooded, anatomically abundant female character on board!
BRF: Forgive me for saying this, Yogurt, but they have.
YGT: Oy! My profit margin!! And who are you, my son?
BRF: I am Lieutenant Barf, of the Federation ship, "Boobyprize."
YGT: Barf, hmmm? That wouldn't be short for "Barf-tholemew?"
BRF: No. I am Barf, son of Up'Chuqq.
YGT: Oh, never mind. Must've been another parody I was thinking of.
BEN: Forgive me, Master, but the plans?
YGT: Oh, yes! The plans! Surely, I'll give them to you! Boy, I'd sure like to meet that bastard face-to-face again!
VDR: Haaah! You shall haaave your wish, ooold maann!

The group let out a collective gasp as Vader strode into the cave, flanked by a platoon of Imperial Storm Troopers.

YGT: Vader, my son,...what are you doing here?
BEN: Vader, old friend, how did you find us?
VDR: To coinn aann old saying, "A little bird told me."

As Vader said this, he faced Princess Liyar. Liyar looked down at her cloak and spotted a small bird-shaped pin on her left breast.

LYR: Vader, you miserable bastard!
VDR: Flattery, my dear princess, does not suit you.
BEN: Now that you have us, Vader, what do you intend to do?
VDR: Haaah! You represent the leadership of the Resistance. When I eliminate all of you, the Resistance shall crumble and I shall own all of the marketing rights for this story!!
CHW: Aoorr! Roeur!
HAN: What about Luke?

A cry from the rear of the cave attracted everyone's attention. Ben turned to find Vader's goons dragging Luke away. Luke struggled in vain as the Storm Troopers surrounded him.

BEN: Vader, what need have you of that boy?
VDR: I sense great things in him, Ben. He shall be of great use to the Emperor.
BEN: Vader, the Deddov Knights have no need for him. Let him go!
YGT: Vader, you impetuous upstart! What of your teaching?? Let the boy go!
VDR: Yogurt,...you cultured old fool! Once, you were the Master. Now, I am the Master of the Force!
BEN: More like a Master of Evil, Vader! You'll take Luke over my dead body! Have at you!
VDR: It shall by my pleasssuuuure! To arms!

With that, Vader drew out his light cutlass. Ben responded in kind and the two began a macabre dance of death. Barf reached for his phaser but Han blocked him.

BRF: What do you think you're doing?
HAN: You boneheaded fool! We can use this distraction to escape and call for help! Aim for the Troopers and rescue Luke. If we get out of this cave, you can signal for your ship.
BRF: Grrr. For a humanoid, you think like a Klingon!

As Ben and Vader continued to parry, Barf, Han and Chewie began firing on the Imperial Troopers. In the ensuing chaos, Chewie rushed into the pile of wounded troopers and scooped up Luke. Quickly, Han and Princess Liyar also made their escape. Sensing this, Ben turned towards them. When all had made their exit, he returned to Vader, deactivating his light cutlass. Vader took advantage of this and dispatched Ben with a swift thrust.

Luke, however, would have no part of it. He broke from Chewie's grasp and ran back into the cave. Vader and the remaining troops had begun withdrawing from Yogurt's cave amid sporadic shots from Barf and Han. Luke scurried about, finding Yogurt bent over the steaming pile of Ben's cloaks, holding his light cutlass. With a pained expression, Yogurt handed Luke the weapon.

YGT: Ben told me that he sensed great power in you, Luke. Here, take his light cutlass and avenge his death!
LUK: If it takes the rest of my life, Master Yogurt, I will!
YGT: You don't know the merchandising value I'm giving up on this, Luke! Quickly, go back to your friends! Hurry! Hurry!
LUK: But,...Master Yogurt,...!
YGT: I'll be fine, Luke! Vader knows better that to screw with me!! And remember, Luke: follow what guides you best!