Star Yecch! Wars Part 16

Back on the Dark Helmet, Vader continued to gloat.

VDR: Haaah! Luke, I ssee through your little plan!
LUK: What,...what plan?
VDR: Those Federation types are approaching the ship. Do they not know that a rescue attempt is futile?
LYR: We,...we don't know a thing about any rescue attempt. That bastard Han sold us out and now you're going to kill us.
VDR: I have seen through that little ploy assss well, my dearrr Princesss. They are being dealt with as we speak.

Vader made a motion with his hand and several troops exited the room. Another wave signaled Tarq, and he entered a series of commands into the control center.

VDR: The ship is now shielded. Han and his friend cannot escape. Your friends cannot beam you away. You will now meet your destiny.
LUK: Over my dead body, helmet head!

With that, Luke reproduced Ben's old light cutlass and struck and attack posture. Immediately, alarms began to sound throughout the Dark Helmet.

VDR: Haaah! I ssee you have Ben's old light cutlass! But without the guidance, it is but a useless toy in your hands.
LUK: I don't think so, Vader!
BEN: (Luke! Behind you!)

Tarq stealthily approached Luke with a sharp knife in his hand. Upon hearing Ben's warning, Luke wheeled around and quickly dispatched Vader's unsuspecting lackey. Recovering, Luke rapidly turned back to Vader.

VDR: Arrrgh! No wonder you walk with such difficulty. Your balls must be made of brass!
LUK: Would you like to find out??
VDR: Alas, brass balls do not a Deddov Knight make!
LUK: Come and get me, Vader!

The pair approached one another and quickly began to parry and thrust. Sparks flew across the chamber as they squared off. Liyar relieved one of Vader's guards of his laser pistol and began some fireworks of her own. She quickly dispatched a trio of troopers as they approached her.

Meanwhile, in an antechamber, Han and Chewie sprung into action as the alarms sounded. With their own laser pistols, they eliminated the troopers sent in by Vader. Picking up their belongings, they entered the chamber to find Luke and Vader engaged in mortal combat.

LYR: Uh,...excuse me,...

(Don't even think about it! That's Mortal Kombat, with a "K!")

LYR: Touchy, touchy!

Anyway,...

HAN: Is that Luke?
LYR: You bet! Just look at him!
HAN: Look, nothing! Let's just get out of here! This room'll be swarming with Storm Troopers in a moment and Updike's gotta launch his torpedo at us!
LYR: His torpedo, hmmm?
HAN: Not that one, Princess! Luke, quick! Get out of here!

But Luke was too busy fending off Vader's attacks to hear Han. Using his smaller size to his advantage, Luke ducked away from Vader and rolled across the floor. Vader followed and moved to pounce on Luke. Sensing Vader's move, Luke raised his boot in the air at the exact moment. Vader howled and doubled over in pain.

HAN: Damn!! That's gotta hurt!
LUK: Well, Vader, we know yours aren't made of brass!

Luke stood and raised his light cutlass to deliver the final blow when Vader tossed aside his light cutlass.

LUK: What,...what do you think you're doing?
VDR: I know the code of the Get-High Knights, Luke! You'd never kill an unarmed man.

Luke, startled by Vader's action, continued his posture above Vader, not knowing what to do next.

BEN: (Luke, you have beaten him for the day! Take your leave and return to fight another time!)
LUK: I,...I don't want to return! I want this ended,...NOW! He killed my family!
VDR: Luu-uuke! Before you dispatch me, there is ssomething I musssst tell you!
LUK: WHAT??
VDR: I am your father, Luke.
LUK: Wha,..what? My,..father?
VDR: Yesss.
LUK: I,...I don't believe you!
BEN: (He is right, Young Luke!)
LUK: But,..but,...

In a moment of weakness, Luke lowered his cutlass. Vader seized the moment and rose from the ground, retrieving his own cutlass.

VDR: Ha-ha-ha! You weak-minded little fools! Everybody falls for that gag!
LUK: But I heard Master Ben's voice!
VDR: I am not only a Master of the Knights, I am a master of ventriloquism, as well! I made you hear what you wanted!
LUK: BASTARD!!

Again, Luke and Vader enjoined each other.

Back on the Anthrax, Updike began to fret.

UPD: Barf, any sign of the Centennial Sparrow?
BRF: No, sir.
UPD: We've received the homing signal. Why haven't they escaped?
BRF: Perhaps Vader's troops have proved a more formidable foe than we anticipated!
UPD: Perhaps. Barf,...delay launching the photon torpedo! I'm beaming over to assist them!
BRF: But, sir, you cannot!
UPD: Don't try to talk me out of this, Barf! I'm going to finally earn some brownie points with the Captain!
BRF: But, sir,...!

As Updike left the command chair, Barf moved to stop him. Grabbing him by the arm, Barf stopped Updike at the bay doors.

UPD: Barf! Unhand me! This is subordination!
BRF: Sir, you cannot beam aboard the Dark Helmet!
UPD: Why not, Barf? So you can go and grab all the Klingon glory??
BRF: No, sir. The Dark Helmet has raised her shields! Beaming is impossible!
UPD: Oh. Why didn't you tell me?
BRF: Grrrr! Qipbej qul qoH!! (Flaming idiot!)
UPD: Helmsman, target the ship's shield array!!
HLM: Aye, sir.

Moments later, several phaser strikes destroyed the Dark Helmet's shielding. Updike responded to the helmsman's report with smug satisfaction.

UPD: That's better. Now I'm going to beam over and assist them!
BRF: May you die well, Commander!
UPD: I'm not sure how to take that, Barf.
BRF: (muttering) Just take it and shove it!

Updike beamed onto the Dark helmet and straight into the spectacular fray.

HAN: Updike, what are you doing here?
UPD: Never mind me. Why haven't you people escaped?
HAN: Luke's been busy dealing with some old, unresolved childhood traumas.
UPD: Shit! Now's not the time for this! Barf will only hold his trigger for so long!
HAN: Yeah,..and then he'll need glasses!

As Updike continued to panic, Strom Troopers poured into the room. A fierce battle ensued, and chaos reigned over the crippled ship.

UPD: What? No 'chaos' jokes?
HAN: We don't have time for you to berate the writer, Updike! Quick, behind you!

Updike wheeled and fired on a group of marauding troopers. They dropped from the wide-dispersal stun. Updike, realizing his error, quickly switched the phaser from stun to kill.

With bodies dropping left and right, Han and Updike made their way towards the battling Luke and Vader. The pair was still deeply engaged in combat. Luke, fueled only by his rage, was quickly losing ground to the more-experienced Vader. Luke dropped while deflecting yet another of Vader's strikes, leaving himself open to attack. Vader stood over Luke, cutlass geld high, ready to strike the final blow.

HAN: Not so fast, Vader! Let him go!

Vader turned to see himself surrounded by Han, Chewie and Updike: their weapons drawn on the hulking fiend. Liyar was quickly mopping up the Storm Troopers who had not yet retreated.

VDR: Haaah! You think you have me? My life means little. If I slay you here, I'll still have accomplished His Holiness's goal.
EMP: VADER! STOP!!

Star Yecch! Wars Part 15

As Han severed the communications, he turned to the awe-struck pair with a smile. Liyar rose from her chair and nearly slapped Han's head off his shoulders.

HAN: OO-OU-CCH!!! What the hell was that for?
LYR: You no-good slimeball!! You've just sold our death warrants and you're asking me why I slapped you?? Just be glad I didn't grab Luke's light cutlass to cut your head off!!
HAN: Re-e-lax, lady. This is all part of the plan! I couldn't let you two in on Updike's secondary assignment because Vader would get suspicious if you didn't look genuinely surprised!
LUK: I think you're still bullshitting us!
HAN: Look, Luke, those Federation people can't get close enough to Vader's ship to take out the Genocide Star head-to-head. When we get on board, Vader will want to gloat. You and Liyar can get in close enough to the working center of that thing. When you get the chance, you need to slip this little homing beacon onto the control computer. Then you both have to stir up a commotion. That will let Chewie and I sneak back on board the Centennial Sparrow and escape before the Boobyprize launches a photon torpedo at the homing beacon.
LYR: And if we don't succeed?
HAN: Then we'll die as heroes to the Resistance.
CHW: Aoorr! Rucking Ringons!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie. That would make that steroid-pumped psycho, Barf, happy. I think he was calling it "A good day to die!"

Another lurch jolted the ship as Vader reeled in his victims. As the Centennial Sparrow settled into a berth on board the Dark Helmet, a squadron of Imperial Storm Troopers surrounded the pirate cruiser. One by one, the crew was escorted off the ship and marched into Vader's chambers. Once there, Vader greeted them. He wore an evil smirk on his face as he turned to address them.

VDR: Haaah! How could I have an ee-evil smirk on my face if I'm wearing a hel-l-met?

(Details, details!)

Okay, so Vader was wearing a new and improved "emotionally-enhanced" helmet, thus giving his prey the appearance of wearing a smirk.

VDR: Be-e-ttterrr. Now, I musst thank you, Mr. Goooverr. Your service to Hiss Holiness shall not go unrewaarrded.
HAN: Thank you, Lord Vader.
CHW: Roo-ergh!
VDR: Now, go with these guards. They shall tend to your ship while I deall with thesse two upsstartss.

Vader waited until Han and Chewie had left the room before addressing Luke and Liyar.

VDR: Sooo, Princesss, wee meet again.
LYR: If I could, I'd wipe that emotionally-enhanced smirk right off your face!
LUK: Trust me, sir: she'll do it!
VDR: Still possessed of that feisty Resistance attitude, eh? Weelll, it shall avail you nothing. Soo-oo-onn, I shaaall turn the Genocide Star on every Resistance-allied planet in the Galaxy,...unless they capitulate to Hiss Holinessss.
LYR: Do you expect us to help?
VDR: No, my dear. I expect the two of you to die. Your deaths sha-aall be an example of the Empire's might.
LUK: How,...how do you plan on doing it, Vader?
VDR: Haaah. Come with me and I shall show you.
LYR: (whispering) This is too easy!
VDR: Hmmm? Did you say something?
LYR: Uh,....I said, "That emotions mask looks kinda cheesy!"
VDR: Yesss. Blame the writer. It was a last-minute construct to get out of the narrative corner he painted himself into.

Vader and several guards escorted the pair into a large chamber. The Genocide Star loomed ahead of them. Luke, feigning curiosity, broke free of his guard and approached it. Quickly, the guards hustled him back to Vader's side. Liyar looked anxiously over at him, but a quick wink allayed her fears.

Meanwhile, on the Boobyprize, Input reported the news to Captain Dildeaux.

IPT: Sir, the homing device has been activated.
DLD: Very good, Mr. Input. Aleert Commander Updike of the beacon's coordinates and tell him to begin executing plan Updike Epsilon 4.
IPT: Aye, sir.

On the shuttlecraft Anthrax, Barf relayed Captain Dildeaux's command.

UPD: Barf, did you say "Epsilon 4?"
BRF: Actually, sir, no, I did not. It was assumed in the narration.
UPD: Oh.
BRF: We are approaching the Dark Helmet, Commander.
UPD: Have we been scanned, Barf?
BRF: I do not believe so, sir. I am approaching from an obtuse vector. I shall need only to get a lock onto the homing beacon to launch the photon torpedo.
UPD: Very good, Barf,...Barf, did you just say "obtuse?"
BRF: Yes, sir. I am trying to improve my vocabulary. Ensign Yo seemed to suggest that my speaking skills were an impediment to effective mating.
UPD: Ye-eah,...

Star Yecch! Wars Part 14

DLD: Barf, where's the rest of Commander Updike's team?
BRF: They are assisting Georgi and Input down in the shuttle bay. They are retrofitting the phaser cannon and photon launchers onto a shuttlecraft.
DLD: Very good, Barf.
BRF: Sir, the Centennial Sparrow is hailing us with the ready signal.
DLD: Affirmative. Begin beaming over the team and alert Updike.
BRF: Aye, sir.

Turning to Luke and Liyar, Dildeaux offered some words of comfort.

DLD: Luke, take courage. Ben was not the only one who saw great potential in you.
LUK: Thank you, Captain, but do you really think this will all work out for the better?
DLD: Of course, Luke. No great science fiction franchise ever failed to let an underdog hero vanquish a stronger opponent. Besides, somebody has to keep old Yogurt's merchandising business in operation!
LUK: Thanks, sir.
DLD: And Your Highness, may you return to your throne.
LYR: Thank you, Captain, but I have no homeworld to re-settle. After we overthrow the Emperor, I shall work with the Resistance to implement a republic based on the law of the people, not the will of one despot. This adventure has shown me the violence inherent in the monarchic system. A constitutional law by the people and for the people shall be our blueprint! Personal liberty and fiscal frugality shall be our motto! Ours shall not be a welfare state! A government that thinks it is above the law will ultimately fall to the will of its well-armed citizenry!
DLD: Yes,...I see you are the NRA.

Before the Princess could continue with her Buchanan-esque rant, Dildeaux hustled her and Luke onto the transport pad. When the all clear was given, they were transported back to the Centennial Sparrow.

DLD: God help us all if she succeeds.
BRF: Bah! A Klingon woman would not speak her mind so much! To a Klingon, power is taken from the powerful and kept for oneself!
DLD: Oh,...don't you star, Barf!
BRF: Sorry, sir.
DLD: What's the status of Updike's shuttlecraft?
BRF: One moment, sir. Georgi is reporting the ship is ready.
DLD: Tell him to launch at his mark. I'll be on the bridge.
BRF: Aye, sir.

On the Centennial Sparrow, Luke and Liyar took their places on the command deck. After getting the high sign from the Boobyprize, Han launched towards Vader's destroyer.

CHW: Arroor! Arr! Grrraww!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie, I don't like this set up, either! With Ben gone, I'll probably never collect for this.
LYR: Money? Is that all you can think of, Han?
HAN: Hey, Lady, I'm staying out of your messy little war. I've got bills to pay and mouths to feed, and getting shot at by Lord Vader isn't helping my profit margin!
LYR: If Vader succeeds, you'll be nothing but a slave to ever-increasing Imperial taxes! Your much-beloved "profit margin" will shrink until you'll be living hand-to-mouth!
HAN: Oh, spare me the neo-Libertarian bullshit! You're getting a kick out of this, admit it! You'd rather spend time dodging Imperial checkpoints with me than running this "republic" of yours.
LYR: I beg your pardon?? I'd rather kiss a Wookie's ass!
CHW: Ruuhhh??
LYR: No offense, Chewie.
CHW: Ro-o-okay!

Before Han could continue his witty banter with the Princess, the Centennial Sparrow's alarms began to sound.

CHW: Rooag! Rooarr!
HAN: I see it, Chewie! It's the Dark Helmet, Vader's ship, dead ahead!
LUK: Aren't you going to take evasive maneuvers?
HAN: Uh,...not quite this minute, kid. We've got time.

Han hemmed and hawed, fidgeting with several buttons when the ship was jolted with a sudden lurch.

LYR: Oh, Lord,...not again,...

(Don't sweat it, ma'am. I've gotten it right this time.)

Anyway, the ship was jolted with a sudden lurch. Luke and Liyar looked quizzically at one another. Over the P.A. system came the blood-curdling voice of Deaf Vader.

VDR: Haaaah! I've fin-aally caught you!
HAN: "Caught us?" Are you kidding? I'm here to claim my bounty on these two!
LUK: Han! You asshole!
LYR: I knew you were only in it for the money!
VDR: Verrry goood, Mr. Goooover. I ssee you are a loooyaaal citizen of the Empire.
HAN: Just doing right by His Holiness, sir.
VDR: Verrry welll. Prepare for a tractor beam to bring you on board.
HAN: I'll be waiting, Your Lordship.