Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 8-1
STAR YECCH! DEEP SHIT 69
CHAPTER VIII - THE LYEIN' KING,...
AND OTHER CAUSTIC FAIRY TALES
Special Guest Stars:
Armin Hammer as Quirk
Okrah Windbag as Marla
Penny Loafer as S'Marti Panz
CHAPTER VIII - THE LYEIN' KING,...
AND OTHER CAUSTIC FAIRY TALES
Special Guest Stars:
Armin Hammer as Quirk
Okrah Windbag as Marla
Penny Loafer as S'Marti Panz
STATION COMMANDER'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 9502.21: At this moment, I am choked with emotions,...not to mention a large rope around my neck! I've always wondered what the afterlife would be like,...but not this soon!
As chaos reigned supreme in the courtyard of the Justice Ministry, a bright light appeared and a female voice boomed over the din.
MLA: STOP!
All eyes turned towards the light, which was now assuming the shape of a black humanoid female. Additionally, all activity was frozen in time. Krisko hung, suspended, from the gallows. Phaser fire between Marine clones and the Hardassians stopped in mid-fire. The female overlooked the death and destruction surrounding her.
MLA: We, the GONADS, have watched this fiasco from afar! We cannot allow the death of the Emissary!
With that, she motioned her hands. Krisko found himself standing free on the gallows.. The weapons disappeared from the hands of the combatants and all stood around, dumbfounded.
KRS: Marla! You've returned!
MLA: Yes, Ben-the-Emissary.
KRS: But,...why...? I'm,...I'm,...dumbfounded.
MLA: Yes. I've read the preceding narrative. Your life cannot end until you have returned to the faithful and delivered our message.
KRS: I was trying to when I was captured by the Hardassians!
MLA: Yes, we know that, too. It was a test of your character. You showed great bravery in the face of death. But the testing is over. You shall return to the temple in the sky.
With that pronouncement, many Hardassians began to grumble and mutter complaints.
MLA: SILENCE!! This I say to you, Hardassians: Let the faithful live in peace! Let the Emissary go! Now,...Pick up your toys, clean up this goddamned mess and go home!
On DS 69, the Ops crew had been watching this fiasco unfold. Now Major Keepyer watched with reverent awe.
(What? No "awe" jokes?)
(No. This is a solemn moment in the story.)
KPR: It's,...it's one of the,..Prophets! I never dreamed I would live to see this day!
The Major dropped to her knees and promptly fainted. Dr. Bashful rushed to her side. The Major quickly recovered.
KPR: What,...what happened, Julius?
BSH: You fainted, Major.
KPR: Fainted?? I've never fainted before in my life!
BSH: It happens to the best of us, Major.
KPR: Impossible!
BSH: Fine! You didn't faint. You experienced a sudden drop in cerebral blood pressure, resulting from a hormonal change brought about by the vision of the Prophet.
KPR: Good. I can live with that.
BSH: I'll log it in my records as such.
Back on Hardassia, the GONADs allowed the Deflated to transport the Commander and the reminiscing Marines back to DS 69. After departing from Hardassian space, the crew settled in to rest up from their experience. As Krisko sat down on his bunk, the flash of light reappeared before him and took the shape of his beloved, Marla.
KRS: Marla! You're back!
MLA: Yes, Ben-the-Emissary. But I bring ill tidings to you.
KRS: Damn, even you get PMS?
MLA: No, something much worse. The Kai, Impala, is dead.
KRS: I,...whe,..how?
MLA: When the news of your imminent death reached her, she could not bear the stress of your passing.
KRS: Oh, no! This will throw Majora into chaos! She was holding the provisional government together.
MLA: Yes, we saw this event coming.
KRS: And you didn't try to stop it??
MLA: The GONADs exist in many time lines simultaneously. We knew of the existence of the event but not the specific linear moment.
KRS: Oh. That explains everything.
MLA: We must now ask you, Ben-the-Emissary, to assist the Majorans once more.
KRS: How?
MLA: The Majoran faithful look to you as our messenger. You must now choose Impala's successor.
KRS: Me?
MLA: Yes, you.
KRS: But,...but I'm not qualified to choose,...besides, this would violate our Prime Directive. I would be interfering with Majoran politics.
MLA: So? You Federation allowed Kim Jerk to violate this law many times without retribution. Even now, we sense his presence in many alien offspring.
KRS: Well, if you put it that way,...who do you think is qualified?
MLA: You must choose between Veddek Bariel oh-Munqies and Veddek Winnie Bagoe.
KRS: I'll have to call up our data files on the two of them.
MLA: There is no need. Here, I will assist you.
Marla placed her hands on Krisko's temples.
As Krisko and the GONAD passed hours "assisting" one another, Justa and Chief O'Brother conferred with the Marine commandant on the bridge.
MPT: O'Brother, that was some dogfight you put on down there! Pity my boys never got to put our plan into action, though.
MOB: If it's all the same with you, sir, I'm glad to be back in one piece. I'd completely forgotten how fierce those Hardies put up a fight.
JST: And Petty Officer Brooke held up well for his first time out. He seemed nervous about this on the flight over.
MPT: Yes, he was trained to be a killing machine, but sometimes he has his head in the clouds.
MOB: I have a somewhat lower opinion of him myself, sir.
MPT: Pardon?
MOB: Er,..nothing, sir.
Krisko exited his ready room and made for the bridge. Upon his arrival, he addressed Chief O'Brother.
KRS: Chief, what is our ETA back to DS 69?
MOB: At our current speed, sir,...I'd say six hours.
KRS: Hmmm. That's too slow, Mr. O'Brother. We have another crisis back on Majora.
MOB: Yes, sir. I'll prepare to jump to hyperwarp, sir.
KRS: Never mind, Mr. O'Brother. I'll do it myself.
MOB: But, sir,..why?
KRS: Because, O'Brother, white men can't jump!
MOB: Aye, sir.
As the Deflated approached DS 69, Major Keepyer hailed them.
KPR: Deflated! Peldar Joi! (Majoran for "Hail!")
KRS: Yo! DS 69 homies, wazzup?? (Ebonics for "Hail!") Permission to dock?
KPR: By all means, Commander! Docking Bay 12. And,...welcome back, Ben.
KRS: It's great to be back.
As chaos reigned supreme in the courtyard of the Justice Ministry, a bright light appeared and a female voice boomed over the din.
MLA: STOP!
All eyes turned towards the light, which was now assuming the shape of a black humanoid female. Additionally, all activity was frozen in time. Krisko hung, suspended, from the gallows. Phaser fire between Marine clones and the Hardassians stopped in mid-fire. The female overlooked the death and destruction surrounding her.
MLA: We, the GONADS, have watched this fiasco from afar! We cannot allow the death of the Emissary!
With that, she motioned her hands. Krisko found himself standing free on the gallows.. The weapons disappeared from the hands of the combatants and all stood around, dumbfounded.
KRS: Marla! You've returned!
MLA: Yes, Ben-the-Emissary.
KRS: But,...why...? I'm,...I'm,...dumbfounded.
MLA: Yes. I've read the preceding narrative. Your life cannot end until you have returned to the faithful and delivered our message.
KRS: I was trying to when I was captured by the Hardassians!
MLA: Yes, we know that, too. It was a test of your character. You showed great bravery in the face of death. But the testing is over. You shall return to the temple in the sky.
With that pronouncement, many Hardassians began to grumble and mutter complaints.
MLA: SILENCE!! This I say to you, Hardassians: Let the faithful live in peace! Let the Emissary go! Now,...Pick up your toys, clean up this goddamned mess and go home!
On DS 69, the Ops crew had been watching this fiasco unfold. Now Major Keepyer watched with reverent awe.
(What? No "awe" jokes?)
(No. This is a solemn moment in the story.)
KPR: It's,...it's one of the,..Prophets! I never dreamed I would live to see this day!
The Major dropped to her knees and promptly fainted. Dr. Bashful rushed to her side. The Major quickly recovered.
KPR: What,...what happened, Julius?
BSH: You fainted, Major.
KPR: Fainted?? I've never fainted before in my life!
BSH: It happens to the best of us, Major.
KPR: Impossible!
BSH: Fine! You didn't faint. You experienced a sudden drop in cerebral blood pressure, resulting from a hormonal change brought about by the vision of the Prophet.
KPR: Good. I can live with that.
BSH: I'll log it in my records as such.
Back on Hardassia, the GONADs allowed the Deflated to transport the Commander and the reminiscing Marines back to DS 69. After departing from Hardassian space, the crew settled in to rest up from their experience. As Krisko sat down on his bunk, the flash of light reappeared before him and took the shape of his beloved, Marla.
KRS: Marla! You're back!
MLA: Yes, Ben-the-Emissary. But I bring ill tidings to you.
KRS: Damn, even you get PMS?
MLA: No, something much worse. The Kai, Impala, is dead.
KRS: I,...whe,..how?
MLA: When the news of your imminent death reached her, she could not bear the stress of your passing.
KRS: Oh, no! This will throw Majora into chaos! She was holding the provisional government together.
MLA: Yes, we saw this event coming.
KRS: And you didn't try to stop it??
MLA: The GONADs exist in many time lines simultaneously. We knew of the existence of the event but not the specific linear moment.
KRS: Oh. That explains everything.
MLA: We must now ask you, Ben-the-Emissary, to assist the Majorans once more.
KRS: How?
MLA: The Majoran faithful look to you as our messenger. You must now choose Impala's successor.
KRS: Me?
MLA: Yes, you.
KRS: But,...but I'm not qualified to choose,...besides, this would violate our Prime Directive. I would be interfering with Majoran politics.
MLA: So? You Federation allowed Kim Jerk to violate this law many times without retribution. Even now, we sense his presence in many alien offspring.
KRS: Well, if you put it that way,...who do you think is qualified?
MLA: You must choose between Veddek Bariel oh-Munqies and Veddek Winnie Bagoe.
KRS: I'll have to call up our data files on the two of them.
MLA: There is no need. Here, I will assist you.
Marla placed her hands on Krisko's temples.
As Krisko and the GONAD passed hours "assisting" one another, Justa and Chief O'Brother conferred with the Marine commandant on the bridge.
MPT: O'Brother, that was some dogfight you put on down there! Pity my boys never got to put our plan into action, though.
MOB: If it's all the same with you, sir, I'm glad to be back in one piece. I'd completely forgotten how fierce those Hardies put up a fight.
JST: And Petty Officer Brooke held up well for his first time out. He seemed nervous about this on the flight over.
MPT: Yes, he was trained to be a killing machine, but sometimes he has his head in the clouds.
MOB: I have a somewhat lower opinion of him myself, sir.
MPT: Pardon?
MOB: Er,..nothing, sir.
Krisko exited his ready room and made for the bridge. Upon his arrival, he addressed Chief O'Brother.
KRS: Chief, what is our ETA back to DS 69?
MOB: At our current speed, sir,...I'd say six hours.
KRS: Hmmm. That's too slow, Mr. O'Brother. We have another crisis back on Majora.
MOB: Yes, sir. I'll prepare to jump to hyperwarp, sir.
KRS: Never mind, Mr. O'Brother. I'll do it myself.
MOB: But, sir,..why?
KRS: Because, O'Brother, white men can't jump!
MOB: Aye, sir.
As the Deflated approached DS 69, Major Keepyer hailed them.
KPR: Deflated! Peldar Joi! (Majoran for "Hail!")
KRS: Yo! DS 69 homies, wazzup?? (Ebonics for "Hail!") Permission to dock?
KPR: By all means, Commander! Docking Bay 12. And,...welcome back, Ben.
KRS: It's great to be back.
posted by TheBitterAmerican at 11:53 AM
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