Star Yecch! Wars Part 16

Back on the Dark Helmet, Vader continued to gloat.

VDR: Haaah! Luke, I ssee through your little plan!
LUK: What,...what plan?
VDR: Those Federation types are approaching the ship. Do they not know that a rescue attempt is futile?
LYR: We,...we don't know a thing about any rescue attempt. That bastard Han sold us out and now you're going to kill us.
VDR: I have seen through that little ploy assss well, my dearrr Princesss. They are being dealt with as we speak.

Vader made a motion with his hand and several troops exited the room. Another wave signaled Tarq, and he entered a series of commands into the control center.

VDR: The ship is now shielded. Han and his friend cannot escape. Your friends cannot beam you away. You will now meet your destiny.
LUK: Over my dead body, helmet head!

With that, Luke reproduced Ben's old light cutlass and struck and attack posture. Immediately, alarms began to sound throughout the Dark Helmet.

VDR: Haaah! I ssee you have Ben's old light cutlass! But without the guidance, it is but a useless toy in your hands.
LUK: I don't think so, Vader!
BEN: (Luke! Behind you!)

Tarq stealthily approached Luke with a sharp knife in his hand. Upon hearing Ben's warning, Luke wheeled around and quickly dispatched Vader's unsuspecting lackey. Recovering, Luke rapidly turned back to Vader.

VDR: Arrrgh! No wonder you walk with such difficulty. Your balls must be made of brass!
LUK: Would you like to find out??
VDR: Alas, brass balls do not a Deddov Knight make!
LUK: Come and get me, Vader!

The pair approached one another and quickly began to parry and thrust. Sparks flew across the chamber as they squared off. Liyar relieved one of Vader's guards of his laser pistol and began some fireworks of her own. She quickly dispatched a trio of troopers as they approached her.

Meanwhile, in an antechamber, Han and Chewie sprung into action as the alarms sounded. With their own laser pistols, they eliminated the troopers sent in by Vader. Picking up their belongings, they entered the chamber to find Luke and Vader engaged in mortal combat.

LYR: Uh,...excuse me,...

(Don't even think about it! That's Mortal Kombat, with a "K!")

LYR: Touchy, touchy!

Anyway,...

HAN: Is that Luke?
LYR: You bet! Just look at him!
HAN: Look, nothing! Let's just get out of here! This room'll be swarming with Storm Troopers in a moment and Updike's gotta launch his torpedo at us!
LYR: His torpedo, hmmm?
HAN: Not that one, Princess! Luke, quick! Get out of here!

But Luke was too busy fending off Vader's attacks to hear Han. Using his smaller size to his advantage, Luke ducked away from Vader and rolled across the floor. Vader followed and moved to pounce on Luke. Sensing Vader's move, Luke raised his boot in the air at the exact moment. Vader howled and doubled over in pain.

HAN: Damn!! That's gotta hurt!
LUK: Well, Vader, we know yours aren't made of brass!

Luke stood and raised his light cutlass to deliver the final blow when Vader tossed aside his light cutlass.

LUK: What,...what do you think you're doing?
VDR: I know the code of the Get-High Knights, Luke! You'd never kill an unarmed man.

Luke, startled by Vader's action, continued his posture above Vader, not knowing what to do next.

BEN: (Luke, you have beaten him for the day! Take your leave and return to fight another time!)
LUK: I,...I don't want to return! I want this ended,...NOW! He killed my family!
VDR: Luu-uuke! Before you dispatch me, there is ssomething I musssst tell you!
LUK: WHAT??
VDR: I am your father, Luke.
LUK: Wha,..what? My,..father?
VDR: Yesss.
LUK: I,...I don't believe you!
BEN: (He is right, Young Luke!)
LUK: But,..but,...

In a moment of weakness, Luke lowered his cutlass. Vader seized the moment and rose from the ground, retrieving his own cutlass.

VDR: Ha-ha-ha! You weak-minded little fools! Everybody falls for that gag!
LUK: But I heard Master Ben's voice!
VDR: I am not only a Master of the Knights, I am a master of ventriloquism, as well! I made you hear what you wanted!
LUK: BASTARD!!

Again, Luke and Vader enjoined each other.

Back on the Anthrax, Updike began to fret.

UPD: Barf, any sign of the Centennial Sparrow?
BRF: No, sir.
UPD: We've received the homing signal. Why haven't they escaped?
BRF: Perhaps Vader's troops have proved a more formidable foe than we anticipated!
UPD: Perhaps. Barf,...delay launching the photon torpedo! I'm beaming over to assist them!
BRF: But, sir, you cannot!
UPD: Don't try to talk me out of this, Barf! I'm going to finally earn some brownie points with the Captain!
BRF: But, sir,...!

As Updike left the command chair, Barf moved to stop him. Grabbing him by the arm, Barf stopped Updike at the bay doors.

UPD: Barf! Unhand me! This is subordination!
BRF: Sir, you cannot beam aboard the Dark Helmet!
UPD: Why not, Barf? So you can go and grab all the Klingon glory??
BRF: No, sir. The Dark Helmet has raised her shields! Beaming is impossible!
UPD: Oh. Why didn't you tell me?
BRF: Grrrr! Qipbej qul qoH!! (Flaming idiot!)
UPD: Helmsman, target the ship's shield array!!
HLM: Aye, sir.

Moments later, several phaser strikes destroyed the Dark Helmet's shielding. Updike responded to the helmsman's report with smug satisfaction.

UPD: That's better. Now I'm going to beam over and assist them!
BRF: May you die well, Commander!
UPD: I'm not sure how to take that, Barf.
BRF: (muttering) Just take it and shove it!

Updike beamed onto the Dark helmet and straight into the spectacular fray.

HAN: Updike, what are you doing here?
UPD: Never mind me. Why haven't you people escaped?
HAN: Luke's been busy dealing with some old, unresolved childhood traumas.
UPD: Shit! Now's not the time for this! Barf will only hold his trigger for so long!
HAN: Yeah,..and then he'll need glasses!

As Updike continued to panic, Strom Troopers poured into the room. A fierce battle ensued, and chaos reigned over the crippled ship.

UPD: What? No 'chaos' jokes?
HAN: We don't have time for you to berate the writer, Updike! Quick, behind you!

Updike wheeled and fired on a group of marauding troopers. They dropped from the wide-dispersal stun. Updike, realizing his error, quickly switched the phaser from stun to kill.

With bodies dropping left and right, Han and Updike made their way towards the battling Luke and Vader. The pair was still deeply engaged in combat. Luke, fueled only by his rage, was quickly losing ground to the more-experienced Vader. Luke dropped while deflecting yet another of Vader's strikes, leaving himself open to attack. Vader stood over Luke, cutlass geld high, ready to strike the final blow.

HAN: Not so fast, Vader! Let him go!

Vader turned to see himself surrounded by Han, Chewie and Updike: their weapons drawn on the hulking fiend. Liyar was quickly mopping up the Storm Troopers who had not yet retreated.

VDR: Haaah! You think you have me? My life means little. If I slay you here, I'll still have accomplished His Holiness's goal.
EMP: VADER! STOP!!