Deep Shit 69 - Chapter 5-1

STAR YECCH!! DEEP SHIT 69 CHAPTER V - KRISKO'S SLIPPERY ESCAPE... OR, IT TAKES A LOT OF GONADS TO WRITE THIS SHIT!

Special Guest Stars:
Joey Buttawipo as Gul Lattrek
Tom Dickenharry as Lt. Commander Donnie Brooke

SHIP'S STATION LOG, STARDATE 9411.28: Major Keepyer Handsof, still acting commander, reporting. The Federation has thankfully responded to the Hardassian threat to the gasshole by sending, much to our surprise, an entire division of Starfleet marines. I am currently coordinating our efforts with the Marines' leader, Colonel Moppett-DeFleur. I am, however,
worried about the Commander's whereabouts. He was due to return some time ago, and I fear the Prophets may have taken him.

In Krisko's command room, Major Keepyer and the Marine command team organized the safe return of Commander Krisko.

MPT: I'll have two squadrons guard the gasshole from the X and Y apogees and a third squadron keep an eye on our Hardassian friends out there. If all goes well, Commander Krisko's runabout should re-enter our space between the squadrons and we can extend shields around the ship. After that, the escort will be a cakewalk.

KPR: Yuck! You humans walk in cake when you succeed?
MPT: It's just an expression, major. Now, if you have no further questions, I'll return to the Deflated and leave Recks and Brooke behind with you.
KPR: Sounds fine with me, Colonel. "Semper Fi," sir.
MPT: "Semper Fi?" That phrase went out ages ago!
KPR: Then what do you use now as a rallying cry?
MPT: "Semper Scrotum!"
KPR: Semper,...Scrotum??
MPT: "Always on the ball!" C-1 to Deflated: one to beam aboard.

The familiar shimmer of a transport took the colonel out of the picture. The Major turned to the Marine twosome and found Captain Recks leering at her.

KPR: Do you have a problem, Captain Recks?
RCK: No,...it's just that,...you look like my mother.
KPR: I told you,...you don't have a mother, dammit! You're a frigging clone, for Prophet's sake!
BRK: He knows that, major, but he can't help himself. He still likes to go on thinking that beautiful women look like his mother,...and the PsyCorps guys really did a number on him, and...
RCK: Dammit, you're babbling, Brooke! Just shut up!
KPR: You know, gentlemen, this isn't getting us anywhere.
RCK: Did I tell you my mother's name was Hortense?
KPR: "Hortense?" That's an odd name. What does it mean?
RCK: "Nervous Prostitute."
BRK: Major, did you know the Captain's nickname is "Nervous," too?
KPR: "Nervous" Recks??

Captain Recks was overcome with a sheepish look and blushed furiously. With that, Major Keepyer left the room in disgust and returned to Ops to confer with Justa.

KPR: Justa, any sign of the Commander's ship?
JST: No,..and I'm beginning to worry about it. By my calculations, the gasshole should have collapsed 17.4 minutes ago.
MOB: Major, I'm getting a sensor reading from the gasshole!
KPR: A sensor reading? What is it?
MOB: A sensor reading is one of those funny blips that the special effects guys come up with to enhance the plot, but that's not important right now.
KPR: Justa, what are you coming up with?
JST: Increased neutrino readings from the hole. I think it's going to open up again!
KPR: Any sign of Krisko's runabout?
JST: Nothing yet, Major.
KPR: OK. Alert Moppett-DeFleur, nevertheless. If it is Krisko, those Marauders will pounce on him like a pack of vultures.
JST: Aye, sir.

As Justa Broad alerts the Deflated, the viewscreen came alive with a brilliant flash of light as the gasshole re-opened. In the afterglow (?), a small ship became visible. After recognizing the runabout, everybody let out a shout of glee.

KPR/JST/MOB: GLEE!!

Krisko, relieved by the sight of the space station, hailed the Ops Center.

KRS: Genghis Khan to DS 69: Hail!
KPR: Oh, Commander! Are we ever glad to see you!
KRS: I knew you'd miss me, but what gives with the armed escort?
MPT: Just coverin' yer ass, Commander.
KRS: Who are you?
MPT: Colonel Moppett-DeFleur, commander, 12th Martian Marine Division.

Major Keepyer and the Marine Colonel quickly briefed Krisko as to the goings-on in his absence.

MPT: OK, Krisko, just give the signal and my boys will extend their shield around your runabout.
KRS: Fine. Shields to dissolve in 10 seconds.
MPT: Counting down: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,...extending shields. You can place it on autopilot, Krisko, and we'll guide you in.

Moppett-DeFleur's orders were met with silence from the Genghis Khan. The colonel ordered a sensor sweep of the runabout. His apprehension grew with the negative reports of Krisko's whereabouts.

MPT: Deflated to DS 69, have you beamed Krisko back to your station?
KPR: Negative, Colonel. I thought you were guiding him in.
MPT: So did I! There's no sign of him aboard the Genghis Khan! Before the Ops crew had a chance to respond, Gul Droppings hailed the station again.

DRP: Major! Congratulations on a successful adventure!
KPR: Droppings, dammit, where's Krisko?
DRP: Do you look like I know...I mean, do I look like I know?
KPR: Well, he's gone missing and this all smells of a Hardassians plot.
DRP: Actually, Major, the commander has graciously consented to share his knowledge of the gasshole with us, as an invited guest of my friend, Gul Lattrek.
KPR: Lattrek? Of the Obstinate Order?
DRP: In the fresh...flash...I mean, flesh.
KPR: Droppings, if you harm on hair on Krisko's body, I'll break every bone in your head,...I mean,...aww, screw it! As acting commander of this station, I order you to return Krisko to us!
DRP: Order the return of a political prisoner? I don't think so, Major.
KPR: Political prisoner? What did Krisko do to you?
DRP: Trespassing on Hardassian space, in direct violation of our treaty with the Federation.
KPR: But,...but,...
DRP: We have claimed the gasshole as our own, Major. Krisko will be taken back to Hardassia Prime and confess to this deed.

Before Keepyer could respond, Gul Droppings cut her off. Moppett-DeFleur immediately contacted her.

MPT: Major, any word on Krisko's whereabouts? And why are the Hardassians leaving?
KPR: Colonel! Stop them! Gul Droppings has kidnapped Krisko and they're taking him back to Hardassia to try him as a spy!!
MPT: How? Why? But our shields,...
KPR: Ask those questions later, dammit! Just get Krisko back!
MPT: I'm afraid my hands are tied, Major. I'm under direct orders not to start a fight with the Hardassians. If they have Krisko, we'll have to go through diplomatic channels to retrieve him.
KPR: Are you serious???
MPT: No,...I'm Colonel Moppett-DeFleur. Colonel Sirius commands the 11th Division.