Star Yecch! Wars Part 2

Meanwhile, in that place far, far away, a massive ship cruised through space, pursuing a smaller craft. On the bridge of the larger ship, a darkly-cloaked man strode forth from an antechamber. Upon hearing his approach, a yeoman alerted the bridge crew.

YEO: All make way for Lord Deaf Vader! And remember to shout very loudly in his presence!

The figure entered the bridge. Crewmen stood and saluted. A nervous energy crackled through the bridge as Vader came to face the officer of the day.

VDR: Haaaah,.....repooorrt, Commaaander?
CMD: THE PRINCESS' SHIP IS WITHIN OUR SENSOR RANGE, LORD VADER!!!
VDR: Theeeere's nooo need to shout, Commaaandeeer! I'm wearing my aural enhancement hel-l-lmet.
CMD: Yes,...yes,sir...Lord Vader. My apologies, sir.
VDR: And eliminate that yeomaaan. He is a smart asssss and displeases me.
CMD: Yes, my Lord.
YEO: No! Wait! I'm not really a smart-ass, my Lord! I'm just written that way!

As the smart-ass yeoman was dragged away, Vader turned his attentions back to the commander.

VDR: Haaaah! Activate the retracting beammm.
CMD: Yes, my Lord.

Meanwhile, on the smaller ship, a petite woman made her way past hurrying crewmen. She slipped into a storage room and nearly stumbled over a small canister vacuum. Actually, upon inspection, she found that it was, in fact, one of the ship's maintenance droids, OU812. Sensing her presence, the droid activated.

LYR: OU812! Where have you been?? I need you to get a message to one of my friends, quickly!!

The little droid beeped and whirred in confirmation. When is was ready, a flashing light confirmed to the woman that the droid was recording. A blue light bathed her.

LYR: This message is intended for Sir Ben Cannoli: I am Princess Liyar, daughter of your friend, King Pinocchio the Obfuscator. We need your help and the help of the rest of the Knights! The Resistance is crumbling! I am encoding details of the Empire's latest weapon in this droid's mainframe. The Knights need to get this to the Resistance and liquidate it immediately!

Again, the droid whirred and squeaked to confirm the recorded message. As the Princess stood up, she was jolted by a sudden lurch on the ship. She pressed a communicator on her wrist, summoning her assistant. As she exited the room, she bumped into an extremely tall, pallid man in a tuxedo.

LCH: Yo-oo-ou ran-nn-ng??
LYR: No, no! Wrong "sudden Lurch!" Dammit, if you're going to write this story, get your sub-references right!

(sorry)

LYR: Now, let's get back to the story at hand!

As the Princess turned down the corridor, she was met by several burly guards in Imperial battle garb. After a brief struggle, she was detained and dragged roughly down the hall.

Meanwhile, back on the Boobyprize, the Captain and his senior officers conferred on their next move. It was somewhat disquieting that even Giaboni was in attendance.

DLD: All right ladies and gentlemen, what do we have so far?
CSH: No significant casualties reported to Sickbay, other than the usual time-warp disruptions that occur with the newer personnel.
IPT: Stellar cartography is working on our position, sir, but,...
LFT: The engines were strained so badly, they pulled power away from the ship's log sub-routine. Some of the diaries have lost memory.
UPD: Whew! I hope that includes my Riisian fantasy with Ensign Yo!
YO: Commander??!!
DLD: Updike,...
BRF: Grrr! That explains the loss of my favorite opera, the "VulqanganHom yIH!!"
YO: (snorting) "The Little Vulcan Tribble??"
BRF: It is,...a 'comedy," as I understand the context.
YO: Yeah,...OK.
BRF: Ghewmey Dangej!
YO: "Cooties!!" Is that the best comeback line you can...
DLD: Yo! Barf!! Bijathlh 'e' yImev!!! Klingon comedies and Majoran "cooties" be damned! This won't get us back to Federation territory! Now, everybody, think up some decent solution to this!!

As the captain continued his rant, Giaboni quietly rose from her seat and approached the apoplectic commander.

GIB: Captain, all of our equipment, our technology,...they are useless in this case.
DLD: Why?
GIB: We have not only crossed out of our own time frame, we have jumped into a completely different marketing venture. Copyrights have been infringed, merchandising has been corrupted. There is now only one solution.
DLD: And that is...?
GIB: Litigation.

A hushed gasp passed through the room.

UPD: Litigation? But I thought all lawyers were eliminated in "The Great Awakening?"
IPT: It, it is a long-held belief that all lawyers were killed in the Social Upheaval of 2017. In fact, very few lawyers survived. Most of the Libertarian-led citizens' anger was directed at Revenue Collection Enforcement Agents; dead lawyers were, actually, a fortunate level of collateral damage.
DLD: Hmmm. "First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers."
GIB: I think, Captain, our first priority is to get legal advice.
DLD: Yes,..."make it so."
GIB: And by the way, Captain, you better get a trade patent on that phrase before George Lucas gets hold of it!