Star Yecch! Wars Part 5

After Luke loaded the three droids into his cramped skimmer, he set off into the northern valleys. He hoped a shortcut would get him home by supper.

As he cruised through the tight twists and turns of the valleys, he fantasized about his friends in the Resistance. He'd gone through this valley hundreds of times, imagining the Imperial Star Force behind each crevice and turn. "Someday," he thought, "I'll be up there with them, duking it out with the best the Emperor has to offer!"

Input stirred from his spot behind Luke, breaking the youth's reverie and causing him to momentarily lose control of the skimmer.

LUK: Hey, what the,...?
IPT: I am sorry, Luke. I could not afford to make my presence known until now. And your fantasizing is putting my robotic ass on the line!
LUK: You,..you can speak? All by yourself!
IPT: Yes. My duotronic interface system allows for spontaneous conversation.
LUK: But, but....
IPT: I shall endeavor to explain myself of you can avoid colliding with the valley wall ahead.
LUK: The what....??

As Luke turned back to his controls, he saw that indeed the skimmer was about to collide with an outcropping jutting from the side of the valley. With little margin for error, he pulled hard on the control stick. Just as Luke thought he's cleared the rocks, he clipped his wing against the opposite wall. The skimmer veered wildly as Luke attempted to correct his course.

IPT: Excuse me, Luke, but perhaps landing the craft would be the wisest action.
LUK: I can't, buddy! This area's swarming with raiders! They'll kill us before we get out!
IPT: Calculating our odds, I believe our survivability is best served by landing than by fighting with your craft.

Unfortunately, Luke did not have the time to consider his options. His engines failed and the skimmer slid into the valley floor, spinning around several times before coming to a grinding halt. Luke and Input leapt from the flaming cruiser, grabbing the other droids before seeking shelter, Moments later, the skimmer erupted into a shower of flaming fuel and debris.

LUK: Shit! We might as well send up a homing beacon to the marauders.
IPT: I, I believe we might seek shelter in one of these crevices until any danger passes.
LUK: Fine! Anything you say, buddy.

Dragging the droids with them the duo made their way into a small, poorly-lit cavern.

LUK: Aw, gees! I left my flares in the ship. I can't hardly see my hand before my face!
IPT: That is not a problem, Luke. I believe I may be, be of assistance.

With that, Input rose, pulled out a small phaser and fired into a group of rocks. The glow from the ignited rocks provided a small amount of light into the room.

LUK: Gee, thanks! But, for a droid, you sure have a lot of explaining to do!
IPT: I, I am sorry, but I fail to understand your classification of me as a "droid."
LUK: Well,...you're not a human, so what are you?
IPT: I am an artificial intelligence of the highest order, created to prove the functionality of duotronic computer matrices.
LUK: Er,...in English?
IPT: I thought that was in English. Perhaps if I try again in T'lingnan or Vulcan,...
LUK: Till,...Vulcan?? What part of the Empire do you come from?
IPT: I do not come from any "Empire." I am Input, Lieutenant Commander. I am the Science Officer aboard the U.S.S. Boobyprize, of the United Federation of Planets.
LUK: I'm lost.

Before Input could further explain his predicament, the cave was bombarded with phaser blasts.

LUK: Raiders! Get down!
IPT: But,...I, I don't understand. Perhaps I can hail my ship.
LUK: You have a ship? Up there?? Jeez, the Imperial Force'll blast them to plasma!

As suddenly as the attack started, it stopped, freezing the duo in mid-sentence. As Luke rose from his hiding spot, a cloaked figure entered the cave. Luke scrambled about for a weapon.

Back on the Boobyprize, a welcoming beep rose from Barf's console. Ensign Yo confirmed the good news.

YO: Captain, we've located Input, sir.
DLD: Terrific! Is he still alive?
BRF: I am receiving an energy signal similar to Input's, but the strength is fading. Judging from the interference, he must be inside a cave, or perhaps underground.
DLD: Good enough. Number Two, assemble an Away Team. Take plenty of expendable extras; you might encounter stiff resistance down there.
UPD: Aye, sir.

As Updike tagged Barf for duty, he paged Georgi from his Black Gang and a squadron of security extras.

Minutes later, the Away Team materialized in a narrow valley.

UPD: Barf, sensor readings?
BRF: They are the figures given by my tricorder. My Starfleet training allows me to interpret them.
UPD: Dammit, Barf, it me: Updike! You can knock off that wise-ass stuff now that the Captain's not around!
BRF: Grrr! A Klingon is never a "wise-ass." However, I am picking up readings of debris, approximately 250 meters due south of here.

UPD: Very good. Take a security detail and investigate.
LFT: Commander, I'm getting pretty strong readings from Input's matrix in that same direction!
BRF: I am reading life forms in addition to Commander Input's, sir. Several are,...expired, sir.

With an icy feeling in his stomach, Updike rushed the Away Team to the rescue.