Star Yecch! Wars Part 11

After organizing the logistics, Luke, Barf, Ben and Liyar returned to Han's ship and made for the far-off planet.

Time passed slowly on the Centennial Sparrow and Luke quickly became restless. Ben, sensing this, approached the boy.

BEN: Young Luke. I believe now would be an opportune time for you to get in some practice with my light cutlass.
LUK: Gosh, Ben! Really??
BEN: Yes, Young Luke. I sense in you the makings of a Knight.
LUK: But,...Ben, I don't think I'm cut out for the drug trade.
BEN: Relax, master Luke. There are plenty of other opportunities with the Knighthood: creative bookkeeping,...off-world investment,...perhaps even security. But first,..the light cutlass!

Ben tossed the laser's scabbard at Luke without warning. Much to Ben's surprise, Luke caught it. After getting used to the feel in his hand, Luke tried some basic movements with the cutlass. When Ben was satisfied with Luke's competence, he activated a practice device. The small globe hovered in the air in front of Luke.

LUK: Now what do I do?
BEN: The globe will randomly fire at you. You must use the laser's shaft to deflect the shots.
LUK: I don't know, Ben,...
BEN: Hesitancy does not become you, Master Luke!

Before Luke could respond, Ben activated the firing sequence. Luke quickly charged the light cutlass and deflected several close shots. Ben smiled through the greenish glow of the cutlass' laser. After the globe finished its program, Luke leaned against a bulkhead, drained but jubilant.

LUK: Gee, Ben, that was easy!!
BEN: Then try it with your eyes closed.
LUK: What?? But,..I won't be able to see what's coming.
BEN: Let your instincts guide you, Luke.
HAN: Ben, that kid better have some damn good instincts. If he starts shooting holes in my ship, you'll be "owing me one!"
BEN: Relax, Master Han. He has the guidance of the Knights.
HAN: You mean "The Schwartz?"
BEN: No, master Han. We Knights have been accused of many things, but never copyright infringement. Now, Luke, close your eyes.

Luke obeyed Ben's bidding. Striking out blindly, Luke took several swings before Ben could activate the globe. Han chuckled quietly as he returned to the ship's controls. Suddenly, behind him came yelps of pain from several of the crew. He turned to find Luke swinging wildly into the bulkheads, partially deflecting the globe's lasers into everyone. Ben quickly rushed to deactivate the globe. Han glared at him with his own light cutlass-like eyes.

HAN: Ben....!
BEN: Perhaps, Luke should get in some more practice with his eyes open.
LUK: I,...I'm sorry everyone!
LYR: Sorry, my royal ass! Dammit, Luke, you've fried one of my hair buns off!
CHW: Arroogh!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie, but your hair'll grow back, too.
BRF: Perhaps a less strenuous diversion will amuse the child.
LUK: I am not a child, Bonehead!
BRF: Grrr! If your presence was not required by the writer, I would kill you were you stand!
BEN: Gentlemen, please! Barf, please go ahead with your plan.

Reluctantly, Barf brought Luke and Ben back to the ship's cargo hold. He produced from his pocket a deck of cards and began to shuffle, explaining himself as he went along.

BRF: This game is a time-honored tradition among the Klingons. It is called "Fizz-Bin." The late Admiral Kim Jerk taught it to one of our Emperors.

After Ben cut the cards, Barf removed several and placed them aside.

BEN: You do not play with a full deck?
BRF: No. It helps when you are assigned to duty aboard the Boobyprize.
BEN: I see.

Meanwhile, across the vastness of Imperial space, word of Ben's exploits was arriving on Vader's destroyer.

VDR: Haaah! I wassss wondering when you would get back to meeee!
(Hey, I write this stuff, not you!)
VDR: It would not be wissse to cross me, huuumaaan!
(Drop dead, you 'aurally-deficient' creation of my warped psyche! "I" AM THE FORCE!)
VDR: Oh.

Anyway, a yeoman entered Vader's quarters, bearing the latest news.

YEO: Lord Vader, I have a communique for you, sir.
VDR: Yesssss. That fool Cannoli and hisss allies are heading for Oki-Fennoki.
YEO: Yes, sir. But,...but,...how did you know that, sir? Did you read it in that narrative?
VDR: Noooo. I would never stoop to such aannn obvious plot gag. I had Bran Muffin Tarq place a location transponder on Princess Liyar before he jettisoned her.
YEO: Oh. Yes, My Lord. Very good, sir.
VDR: Ha-a-ah! Stop brown-nosing me-e-e and tell Tarq to make for Oki-Fennoki. I shall let Cannoli make contact with that old trader, then use the Genocide Star on them. With their deaths, the Resistance shall crumble!! Ah-hh! Ha-ha-ha!!
YEO: Yes, Lord Vader. I see it's also time for your nightly sedative, My Lord.

The yeoman backed away, prostrating as he went along. Back on the Centennial Sparrow, Han made preparations for landing on Oki-Fennoki.

HAN: Chewie, port standard orbit. Descent at 6 per cent rotation.
CHW: Aiirr!
HAN: Ben, when we get closer, where am I going to plant this thing?
BEN: He is rumoured to dwell in a cave near a small stream, leading to a lake.
HAN: Wow! That sure narrows it down, Ben!
BEN: Forgive me, Han. It has been some time since I made contact with the Master.
CHW: Aroo! Ri-rorder!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie! I didn't think of that!
CHW: Rucking ridiot!
HAN: Don't push your luck, Chewie!
BRF: What did he say?
HAN: You brought one of those "tricorders' along, didn't you?
BRF: Of course! It is standard equipment for an Away Team, as are expendable extras.
HAN: Then where are those 'expendable extras,' Barf?
BRF: PaQ!! I knew I forgot something! My honor is soiled!
LUK: So are my shorts!
LYR: Eeeww!!
HAN: Knock it off! That being the case, can you get a fix on this guy before I end up ditching in a sandpit?
BRF: Perhaps. Give me a moment to calibrate the sensors.

Tense moments passed before Barf could locate any life forms. He passed this information along to Han.

BRF: I have located a life form in the southern hemisphere. Grid 666 Bravo.
HAN: Alright, then: everybody hang on. I'm going to have a devil of a time making this landing.

The Centennial Sparrow shuddered and shook before coming to a rough, thumping landing. As everyone rose from their seats, Han and Chewie made the final shutdown procedures. Barf took up his tricorder and began to comb the swamp. When this proved to slow and tedious, he replaced the comb into his back pocket and began to study the readings from the tricorder.

BRF: The reading is coming from the southwest, approximately 100 metres from here.
BEN: Yes, I sense his presence even now.
LYR: How is that, Ben?
BEN: He was a tutor to several of us Knights in my youth. He also taught Vader.
LYR: Ugh! Gives me the creeps.
LUK: Me, too! Hey, maybe I'm not cut out for this Knight thing.
BEN: We shall let the Master decide.

Star Yecch! Wars Part 10

As the Away Team, accompanied by Ben, Luke and the Princess, re-materialized, Dildeaux and an honor guard greeted them. After the monetary transporter discomfort faded, Liyar stepped forward from the transporter pad. Dildeaux bowed and greeted her.

DLD: I am Captain Jean-Luc Dildeaux. On behalf of the Untied Federation of Planets and the crew of the Boobyprize, I offer my greeting, Princess Liyar.
LYR: We thank you, Captain.
DLD: Also, in light of recent events, I also offer my condolences on your loss.
LYR: I see the art of brown-nosing is not confined to the Empire; however, we accept your offer.

Taken aback by the thought of dealing with yet another Shrewish Princess, Dildeaux turned and greeted Luke and Ben with decidedly less formality. After the exchange of greetings, the group made for 10-Backwards for an informal debriefing over cocktails.

Once ensconced (hey, fancy terms for fancy people, OK?) in 10-Backwards, the Captain received a hail from Georgi down in Engineering.

LFT: Captain, I've got good news: the droids have been reassembled. Input and I think we can use their engineering techniques to help defuse this Genocide device.
DLD: Very good, Georgi! Send up the Princess' droid. I'm sure she's anxious to greet him.
LFT: Aye, sir. We'll be up shortly.
DLD: We'll be waiting, Georgi,...and don't call me "shortly."

Moments later, Georgi, Input, and both droids entered the lounge. Liyar was taken by surprise by the droid's appearance. It was now a small, human-like figure with a round chronometer for a head.

LYR: OU812, what happened to you??
TWK: Bidi-bidi! Gosh, I don't know any OU812! My name's Twiki.
DLD: Georgi,....!
LFT: I,..I,...
TWK: Bidi-bidi! Where's Buck? And Commander Deering? Is this a Draconian ship? It sure doesn't look like home!
DLD: Input, what about the other droid?
IPT: I, I, believe it has been properly repaired, sir.
IMR: Warning, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!! Dr. Smith is coming for you again and he's wearing a strap-on this time!
DLD: Georgi!! What the hell happened to them??
LFT: Well, sir,...we've been experiencing franchise crossover difficulties with the replicators, sir. This was the best we could re-assemble on such short notice, sir.

Giaboni, hearing this, made her way over from the bar to the crowd.

GIB: I did warn you, Captain. Now that copyrights have been infringed, this will only continue to escalate until you set things right.
DLD: SO you did, Giaboni. Georgi, I suggest you and Input belay that report and properly reconstruct these two right away!
LFT/IPT: Aye, sir.

The group moved on to a briefing with the remainder of the Boobyprize's senior staff. After Liyar relayed her experiences on Vader's ship, Dildeaux opened the group to suggestions.

IPT: If, perhaps, we had more detailed schematics of this "Genocide Star," we could, could formulate a method to enable the Resistance to disable it.
LYR: I'm sorry, Mr. Input, but all I have now are some sketchy memories of the operations board. I sent the orginal schematics along with OU812!
IPT: They were...lost in his reassembly.
DLD: Pity. Its a shame Trixxi transferred off during our first mission.
UPD: Yeah, I haven't gotten any since she left me.
DLD: Dammit, Number Two! Just for a change, could you think with your other semi-functioning organ?? If we had a telepath on board, perhaps he could read the Princess's mind.
UPD: Oh-h-h,...
BEN: Gentlemen,...perhaps we can yet accomplish this task.
UPD: Why? Does someone in the Orion slave-girl trade "owe-you-one?"
DLD: Dammit, Number Two!! Knock it off!
BEN: Alas, Commander Updike, no. That problem is beyond my purview. I mean that I know of a trader why may have access to smuggled Imperial technology.
DLD: Is he also in the Resistance?
BEN: No, Captain. he is a former Knight Master who lives in seclusion on a small swamp planet and does most of his dealings through contacts. He most likely does not know of the latest uprising.
UPD: Are you certain he can help me,...I mean, "us?"
BEN: I have not spoken with him in some years, but if anybody can get us these plans, he can. He is a superb merchandiser.
DLD: Very Well. Ben, if you can give me his location, I'll form another Away team to contact him.

Luke, who had been sitting back and quietly observing the goings-on, spoke up.

LUK: Uh,...Captain Dildo,...I'd like to go on that mission!
BEN: Luke, I don't think you should. This trip could be quite perilous.
LUK: But Ben,...this is what I've dreramed of for years! I want to make my mark in the Resistance!
DLD: Personally, Ben, I think this would be an excellent chance for Luke to get in some chops.
BEN: Hmmm. Perhaps you are right, Captain. I do sense in Luke a strange,...aura.
LYR: You mean "The Schwartz?"
BEN: No, Your Majesty. That would be a copyright violation. Perhaps, I believe, my friend will recognize this strength and hone his abilities.
DLD: (muttering) And maybe he'll get his ass shot off for mispronouncing my name!

After organizing the logistics, Luke, Barf, Ben and Liyar returned to Han's ship and made for the far-off planet.