Star Yecch! Wars Part 11

After organizing the logistics, Luke, Barf, Ben and Liyar returned to Han's ship and made for the far-off planet.

Time passed slowly on the Centennial Sparrow and Luke quickly became restless. Ben, sensing this, approached the boy.

BEN: Young Luke. I believe now would be an opportune time for you to get in some practice with my light cutlass.
LUK: Gosh, Ben! Really??
BEN: Yes, Young Luke. I sense in you the makings of a Knight.
LUK: But,...Ben, I don't think I'm cut out for the drug trade.
BEN: Relax, master Luke. There are plenty of other opportunities with the Knighthood: creative bookkeeping,...off-world investment,...perhaps even security. But first,..the light cutlass!

Ben tossed the laser's scabbard at Luke without warning. Much to Ben's surprise, Luke caught it. After getting used to the feel in his hand, Luke tried some basic movements with the cutlass. When Ben was satisfied with Luke's competence, he activated a practice device. The small globe hovered in the air in front of Luke.

LUK: Now what do I do?
BEN: The globe will randomly fire at you. You must use the laser's shaft to deflect the shots.
LUK: I don't know, Ben,...
BEN: Hesitancy does not become you, Master Luke!

Before Luke could respond, Ben activated the firing sequence. Luke quickly charged the light cutlass and deflected several close shots. Ben smiled through the greenish glow of the cutlass' laser. After the globe finished its program, Luke leaned against a bulkhead, drained but jubilant.

LUK: Gee, Ben, that was easy!!
BEN: Then try it with your eyes closed.
LUK: What?? But,..I won't be able to see what's coming.
BEN: Let your instincts guide you, Luke.
HAN: Ben, that kid better have some damn good instincts. If he starts shooting holes in my ship, you'll be "owing me one!"
BEN: Relax, Master Han. He has the guidance of the Knights.
HAN: You mean "The Schwartz?"
BEN: No, master Han. We Knights have been accused of many things, but never copyright infringement. Now, Luke, close your eyes.

Luke obeyed Ben's bidding. Striking out blindly, Luke took several swings before Ben could activate the globe. Han chuckled quietly as he returned to the ship's controls. Suddenly, behind him came yelps of pain from several of the crew. He turned to find Luke swinging wildly into the bulkheads, partially deflecting the globe's lasers into everyone. Ben quickly rushed to deactivate the globe. Han glared at him with his own light cutlass-like eyes.

HAN: Ben....!
BEN: Perhaps, Luke should get in some more practice with his eyes open.
LUK: I,...I'm sorry everyone!
LYR: Sorry, my royal ass! Dammit, Luke, you've fried one of my hair buns off!
CHW: Arroogh!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie, but your hair'll grow back, too.
BRF: Perhaps a less strenuous diversion will amuse the child.
LUK: I am not a child, Bonehead!
BRF: Grrr! If your presence was not required by the writer, I would kill you were you stand!
BEN: Gentlemen, please! Barf, please go ahead with your plan.

Reluctantly, Barf brought Luke and Ben back to the ship's cargo hold. He produced from his pocket a deck of cards and began to shuffle, explaining himself as he went along.

BRF: This game is a time-honored tradition among the Klingons. It is called "Fizz-Bin." The late Admiral Kim Jerk taught it to one of our Emperors.

After Ben cut the cards, Barf removed several and placed them aside.

BEN: You do not play with a full deck?
BRF: No. It helps when you are assigned to duty aboard the Boobyprize.
BEN: I see.

Meanwhile, across the vastness of Imperial space, word of Ben's exploits was arriving on Vader's destroyer.

VDR: Haaah! I wassss wondering when you would get back to meeee!
(Hey, I write this stuff, not you!)
VDR: It would not be wissse to cross me, huuumaaan!
(Drop dead, you 'aurally-deficient' creation of my warped psyche! "I" AM THE FORCE!)
VDR: Oh.

Anyway, a yeoman entered Vader's quarters, bearing the latest news.

YEO: Lord Vader, I have a communique for you, sir.
VDR: Yesssss. That fool Cannoli and hisss allies are heading for Oki-Fennoki.
YEO: Yes, sir. But,...but,...how did you know that, sir? Did you read it in that narrative?
VDR: Noooo. I would never stoop to such aannn obvious plot gag. I had Bran Muffin Tarq place a location transponder on Princess Liyar before he jettisoned her.
YEO: Oh. Yes, My Lord. Very good, sir.
VDR: Ha-a-ah! Stop brown-nosing me-e-e and tell Tarq to make for Oki-Fennoki. I shall let Cannoli make contact with that old trader, then use the Genocide Star on them. With their deaths, the Resistance shall crumble!! Ah-hh! Ha-ha-ha!!
YEO: Yes, Lord Vader. I see it's also time for your nightly sedative, My Lord.

The yeoman backed away, prostrating as he went along. Back on the Centennial Sparrow, Han made preparations for landing on Oki-Fennoki.

HAN: Chewie, port standard orbit. Descent at 6 per cent rotation.
CHW: Aiirr!
HAN: Ben, when we get closer, where am I going to plant this thing?
BEN: He is rumoured to dwell in a cave near a small stream, leading to a lake.
HAN: Wow! That sure narrows it down, Ben!
BEN: Forgive me, Han. It has been some time since I made contact with the Master.
CHW: Aroo! Ri-rorder!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie! I didn't think of that!
CHW: Rucking ridiot!
HAN: Don't push your luck, Chewie!
BRF: What did he say?
HAN: You brought one of those "tricorders' along, didn't you?
BRF: Of course! It is standard equipment for an Away Team, as are expendable extras.
HAN: Then where are those 'expendable extras,' Barf?
BRF: PaQ!! I knew I forgot something! My honor is soiled!
LUK: So are my shorts!
LYR: Eeeww!!
HAN: Knock it off! That being the case, can you get a fix on this guy before I end up ditching in a sandpit?
BRF: Perhaps. Give me a moment to calibrate the sensors.

Tense moments passed before Barf could locate any life forms. He passed this information along to Han.

BRF: I have located a life form in the southern hemisphere. Grid 666 Bravo.
HAN: Alright, then: everybody hang on. I'm going to have a devil of a time making this landing.

The Centennial Sparrow shuddered and shook before coming to a rough, thumping landing. As everyone rose from their seats, Han and Chewie made the final shutdown procedures. Barf took up his tricorder and began to comb the swamp. When this proved to slow and tedious, he replaced the comb into his back pocket and began to study the readings from the tricorder.

BRF: The reading is coming from the southwest, approximately 100 metres from here.
BEN: Yes, I sense his presence even now.
LYR: How is that, Ben?
BEN: He was a tutor to several of us Knights in my youth. He also taught Vader.
LYR: Ugh! Gives me the creeps.
LUK: Me, too! Hey, maybe I'm not cut out for this Knight thing.
BEN: We shall let the Master decide.