Star Yecch! Wars Part 12

For what seemed like hours, the group trudged through the steamy swamp. Finally, at the point of exhaustion, they reached an unassuming cavern.

BRF: The tricorder's sensors indicate the life force is coming from within that cavern.
BEN: Let me enter first. He was a master assassin in his prime and may not look kindly upon our presence.
CHW: Rooagh!
HAN: What, Chewie?

The group turned to see a small, gnome-like figure exit the cave. Leaning heavily on an ornate walking cane, he approached the group. Ben moved to speak as the elderly man smiled.

BEN: Master Yogurt! It's Ben, your old student.
YGT: Ben? (musing) Oh, Yes! Ben Cannoli! My old friend, how are you?
BEN: The years have treated me well, but I have come in dire need of your assistance.
YGT: What's wrong, old friend?
BEN: (sighing) The story is a long one, Master. May we enter your home and I shall explain it?
YGT: Yes, yes! Certainly! Come in! Come in!

As the gang settled in, Ben made the proper introductions. Jaws dropped in awe in recognition of his name.

HAN: "Yogurt, the Wise!"
LYR: "Yogurt, the Brave!"
LUK: "Yogurt, the Great!"

The old gnome demurred before such praise.

YGT: Please, please, my young plagiarizers! To all of you, I'm just plain Yogurt!
BEN: Master Yogurt, I see you've done well by yourself. How did you do it?
YGT: Merchandising! I own the rights to everything Spielberg and Lucas couldn't nail down! Look over here!

Yogurt led them to a large display case full of trinkets and apparel.

YGT: Let's see,...I've got "Star Yecch Wars" - the action figures; "Star Yecch Wars" - the breakfast cereal; I even have "Star Yecch Wars" - the child-molester-proof baby booties! Red seems to be my best seller!
HAN: What? No "Yogurt-the Wise" dolls?
YGT: A doll? Fah! Why would I stoop to such a crass item like that? It'll never sell!
BEN: Very well, Master. But we do have to get down to the business at hand.

As Ben related the story thus far, Yogurt nodded in empathy and recognition. When Ben was finished, Yogurt stood and paced the room.

YGT: I always knew that little prick Vader would end up doing no good!
LUK: Then you'll help us, Master Yogurt?
YGT: It would be my pleasure, Young Luke!
BEN: Master, we need the schematics of a new Imperial weapon: the Genocide Star. Can you help us obtain them?
YGT: I believe I have a copy in my possession. I traded some "Star Yecch Voyeur" merchandise for them. That show'll never amount to much until they bring in some hot-blooded, anatomically abundant female character on board!
BRF: Forgive me for saying this, Yogurt, but they have.
YGT: Oy! My profit margin!! And who are you, my son?
BRF: I am Lieutenant Barf, of the Federation ship, "Boobyprize."
YGT: Barf, hmmm? That wouldn't be short for "Barf-tholemew?"
BRF: No. I am Barf, son of Up'Chuqq.
YGT: Oh, never mind. Must've been another parody I was thinking of.
BEN: Forgive me, Master, but the plans?
YGT: Oh, yes! The plans! Surely, I'll give them to you! Boy, I'd sure like to meet that bastard face-to-face again!
VDR: Haaah! You shall haaave your wish, ooold maann!

The group let out a collective gasp as Vader strode into the cave, flanked by a platoon of Imperial Storm Troopers.

YGT: Vader, my son,...what are you doing here?
BEN: Vader, old friend, how did you find us?
VDR: To coinn aann old saying, "A little bird told me."

As Vader said this, he faced Princess Liyar. Liyar looked down at her cloak and spotted a small bird-shaped pin on her left breast.

LYR: Vader, you miserable bastard!
VDR: Flattery, my dear princess, does not suit you.
BEN: Now that you have us, Vader, what do you intend to do?
VDR: Haaah! You represent the leadership of the Resistance. When I eliminate all of you, the Resistance shall crumble and I shall own all of the marketing rights for this story!!
CHW: Aoorr! Roeur!
HAN: What about Luke?

A cry from the rear of the cave attracted everyone's attention. Ben turned to find Vader's goons dragging Luke away. Luke struggled in vain as the Storm Troopers surrounded him.

BEN: Vader, what need have you of that boy?
VDR: I sense great things in him, Ben. He shall be of great use to the Emperor.
BEN: Vader, the Deddov Knights have no need for him. Let him go!
YGT: Vader, you impetuous upstart! What of your teaching?? Let the boy go!
VDR: Yogurt,...you cultured old fool! Once, you were the Master. Now, I am the Master of the Force!
BEN: More like a Master of Evil, Vader! You'll take Luke over my dead body! Have at you!
VDR: It shall by my pleasssuuuure! To arms!

With that, Vader drew out his light cutlass. Ben responded in kind and the two began a macabre dance of death. Barf reached for his phaser but Han blocked him.

BRF: What do you think you're doing?
HAN: You boneheaded fool! We can use this distraction to escape and call for help! Aim for the Troopers and rescue Luke. If we get out of this cave, you can signal for your ship.
BRF: Grrr. For a humanoid, you think like a Klingon!

As Ben and Vader continued to parry, Barf, Han and Chewie began firing on the Imperial Troopers. In the ensuing chaos, Chewie rushed into the pile of wounded troopers and scooped up Luke. Quickly, Han and Princess Liyar also made their escape. Sensing this, Ben turned towards them. When all had made their exit, he returned to Vader, deactivating his light cutlass. Vader took advantage of this and dispatched Ben with a swift thrust.

Luke, however, would have no part of it. He broke from Chewie's grasp and ran back into the cave. Vader and the remaining troops had begun withdrawing from Yogurt's cave amid sporadic shots from Barf and Han. Luke scurried about, finding Yogurt bent over the steaming pile of Ben's cloaks, holding his light cutlass. With a pained expression, Yogurt handed Luke the weapon.

YGT: Ben told me that he sensed great power in you, Luke. Here, take his light cutlass and avenge his death!
LUK: If it takes the rest of my life, Master Yogurt, I will!
YGT: You don't know the merchandising value I'm giving up on this, Luke! Quickly, go back to your friends! Hurry! Hurry!
LUK: But,...Master Yogurt,...!
YGT: I'll be fine, Luke! Vader knows better that to screw with me!! And remember, Luke: follow what guides you best!