WARNING!

Ok,...before I start posting my Star Trek parodies, just a few words of warning:

• These are parodies. You MUST have a sense of humor to read them
• None of my stories have any relevance to the entire Star Trek Canon
• It was, is, and always will be my intention to upset, annoy, skewer and insult as many ethnic and racial stereotypes out there. Thin-skinned humanoids need not go any further
• On the advice of my lawyer, I can only post original rough drafts, since all of these stories are copyrighted and I am still trying to get them published.

That said,...beam yourself up and enjoy!

Spaced,..the final frontier!

Yes,...this is the first of many posts.

Having discovered the power of blogging, I will soon start posting some of older Star Trek parodies.

Once that's done, I'll begin with the new one I'm working on "Star Yecch!: Boobyprize."

Beam me up, Scotty!

Star Yecch! Boobyprize Chapter 1

Captain's Log: April 3, 2155:

I have been urgently summoned to the offices of the Earthfleet Admiralty. From the sound of her voice, Admiral April-Lynn Parris was clearly upset by something, probably caused by the Vulcans yet again.

I hope this isn't another attempt by those pointy-eared bastards to stall our inter-galatic exploration program again!

Captain Archway entered Admiral Parris' office to find her sitting at her desk, flanked by several sour-looking Vulcans. Her expression was a mix of irritation and worry, something Archway had never seen before. He saluted and was motioned to take a seat across from the Admiral.

APL: Jonathan, allow me to make the introductions.....

One of Vulcans stepped forward and spoke without preamble.

STD: I am S'Toned.
ARC: As always, I see, Ambassador.
APL: Jonathan!
STD: This is Commander S'Mack of the Vulcan Science Academy and Sub-Commander T'Art of the Vulcan Defense Fleet.
ARC: A pleasure, as always, Ambassador. So,..what do they say we did wrong this time, Admiral?
APL: I'm afraid recent events have forced us to move up the timetable on the Trans-Galactic Initiative.
ARC: How so?

The Admiral directed Archway to a viewscreen on the wall. A picture appeared of a large, swarthy male with a bony forehead. Data scrolled under the picture and several thumbnails showed the same person on a stasis bed, under heavy guard, in Starfleet's Medical Center. Admiral Parris continued.

APL: The Vulcans tell me this is called a "Klingot." He crashed last week in Iowa. The Press Corps is spinning the story for the time being.
STD: Forgive me, Admiral, but he's called a "Klingon."
APL: I stand corrected, Ambassador.
STD: As always, Admiral.
ARC: (chuckling) I always thought Klingons were only found around Uranus!
TRT: The Klingon Empire has not yet made a presence in this solar system, Captain.
STD: The captain is trying to use humor to defuse this situation, Sub-Commander.
TRT: Yes,..humor,..it is a common emotion among humans. It is difficult to understand. Its lack of logic contains many idiots.
STD: Idioms, T'Art.
TRT: Yes, those as well.
APL: Can we get back to the matter at hand?
STD: Surely, Admiral.
APL: And don't call me "Shirley," S'Toned.
ARC: What significance does this "Klingon" have to the Extragalatic Expedition, Admiral?
APL: I'll let Commander S'mack answer that one, Jonathan.

S'Mack walked over to the viewscreen and loaded his presentation.

SMK:With the help of local Earth forces, we retrieved what remained of the Klingon's ship. From the debris, it appears to be a single-person transporter, suggesting he is a courier. We have also examined his belongings: his uniform also bore the insignia of an Imperial courier and he was carrying a data crystal using a standard Klingon Imperial Stellar Forces encryption. From this data, we have concluded that the Klingon was transferring data vital to the Empire.
ARC: OK,..to what end? As the Sub-Commander stated, these Klingons have no business with Earth.
TRT: That is incorrect, Captain. I stated the Klingons have not yet made a presence in this solar system.
ARC: Details,..
APL: We believe the Klingons are spying on us and this courier was sending back surveillance information to their Empire.
ARC: Spying? To what end?
SMK: The most logical reason would be to further expand their empire. They are a race of warriors. Logically, with Earth dabbling in warp-field technology, their curiosity has been aroused.
APL: "Dabbling....?"
ARC: "Dabbling??" My father worked himself to death putting the Trans-Galactic Initiative on track! How dare you insult his memory like this!

A quick cacophony of arguments ensued. Parris, annoyed enough by the Vulcans' presence, slammed her fist down on the table to bring everyone back to her attention.

APL: ENOUGH!! Bickering isn't going to solve this problem. S'Mack,..what plans do you have?
SMK: With the help of the medical team, we plan to interrogate the Klingon.
APL: Will that work?
TRT: Klingons are known for their stubborn nature. Any interrogation will require some degree of,..
SMK: T'Art! We are not to speak of that in front of outworlders!
TRT: Understood.

Admiral Parris and Captain Archway exchanged quizzical asides.

TRT: Admiral, it was my understanding that your medical team has cleared the prisoner for interrogation?
APL: Well,..Dr. Flummox says he's stable, but beyond that, I don't know about his ability to stand,..
TRT: Then I will begin the interrogation shortly.

With that, the Vulcan contingent exited without comment. Archway, able to read the Admiral's expression, followed them through the halls of Starfleet Headquarters to the Medical Unit. There, Archway spotted the "Klingon" lying supine on a medical table. A strange-looking, spotted humanoid attended to him. Archway recognized him as a member of the Medical Xeno-Biologic Fellowship, a group formed by the Terran and Vulcan Medical Association to prepare Starfleet physicians for the non-humans they would eventually encounter in space.

ARC: Are you Doctor Flummox?
FMX: Yes. May I ask who you are?
ARC: I'm Captain Jonathan Archway and this is,...
FMX: ...Sub-Commander T'Art. Yes, I've received communiques from her about the Klingon for several days, now.
TRT: And for several days, you have obstructed our investigation into this incident, Doctor.
FMX: Because, Sub-Commander, it is impossible to interrogate an unconscious person!
TRT: Vulcans have ways of overcoming that obstacle.
ARC: Really? I thought S'Mack instructed you not to speak of that in front of us "outworlders."
TRT: I have not. I merely stated that fact that Vulcans possess the capability to overcome this obstacle.
FMX: Dear Captain, you'll have a better debate with a brick wall than a Vulcanian.
ARC: I see, Doctor.
TRT: Shall we commence the debriefing?

Flummox simply shook his head and went back to the Klingon. He quickly injected the Klingon with a stimulant and stood back. After several tense moments, the Klingon awoke and began to growl and struggle against his restraints.

KLG: nuqneH?
TRT: Pong soH?
KLG: tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a'!
TRT: Viyaj.
KLG: Maavik jIH. Cozaar quv, Aventis vaS!

T'Art turned to Archway and translated.

TRT: He says he is Maavik, the son of Cozaar, of the House of Aventis.
KLG: Maavik jIH!
TRT: 'urwI' qar'a'?
KLG: Grrrr,...SuvwI'yIH!
TRT: He says he is not a spy, but a warrior. This is a typical response for a Klingon.
KLG: Maavik jIH! SuvwI'yIH! Maavik jIH! SuvwI'yIH! Maavik jIH! SuvwI'yIH! Sto-Vo-Kor ghoS yIH!

Suddenly, the Klingon went into a seizure and collapsed. Flummox and a medical team worked feverishly on him for several minutes while Archway sweated and T'Art stood still and composed.

FMX: I'm,...sorry, Captain. He's dead!
ARC: Was that a "typical Klingon response, too?"
TRT: The Klingon philosophy is to die honorably rather than submit to what they consider "inferiors." Sto-Vo-Kor is analogous to your "heaven."
ARC: "Inferiors," meaning us? Humans?
TRT: All non-Klingons.

Archway walked over to a comm panel on the wall.

ARC: Archway to Admiral Parris: we have a problem.
APL: A problem? What is it?
ARC: An unforeseen impediment to our progress, Admiral, but that's not important right now.

As Archway was berated by the Admiral for his latest bon mot, T'Art withdrew a communicator from her cloak and contacted her superiors.

TRT: O'S'Mack,...Kh'Lingoon, y'motal.
SMK: Tevakh? Ripabukh-yehat.
TRT: Ri'Taldor gisam, ne'angum annem-torem.
SMK: Ha, vun'etek dvun-tor sahrisau luf'T'Kh'Lingoon.
TRT: Ha. E'Var-tor'allo dan-neruk'komihn duhsut.
SMK: Te'Kahrtau'lleush ovsot'nam.

T'Art returned the communicator to her cloak. Without further comment, she returned to the Admiral's office, with a quizzical Archway in tow. Moments later, she entered the Admiral's office, barely acknowledging Archway's presence.

ARC: Sub-Commander, what was that all about?
TRT: Admiral, we must move up the Trans-Galactic Initiative. Your use of warp technology must not return to Qonos.
APL: Jonathon, how soon can you be ready?
ARC: Well,...Quint's already on-board, testing the warp drive,...most of the support staff has been installing fixtures for weeks. I need some expendable extras,....I'll have to call up some of the others. And my communications officer is still in Brazil, ma'am! I'll need to send her a wire. Can I use your dictaphone?
APL: No, you may not! You'll use your fingers like everyone else,....and, your suggestion is actually anatomically impossible.
ARC: (muttering) Not from I've heard,...
APL: Archway!!

A chirp from T'Art's communicator saved Archway from a probable demotion. T'Art again conversed in Vulcan, then turned back to the Admiral.

TRT: Admiral, our sensors are picking up a stellar object at the edge of your solar system. Logic suggests this may be the Klingon's home ship or contact vessel.
APL: Jonathan, get your ass in gear, now!
ARC: Aye, sir,..ma'am,..sir!

And meanwhile, at the edge of the Sol system, a larger ship dropped out of warp.

Star Yecch! Boobyprize

Cerebral BlackHole Productions
with the complete lack of cooperation of
Blogger.com

prevents:

Star Yecch! Boobyprize
The Story of How We Think the Legacy Began!
"Not Based on a True Story"

Cast of Caricatures:
Scott Dracula as Captain Jonathon Archway
Jolene Liplock as Commander T'Art
Bobby Pinn as Lt. Commander "Quint" Tucker
Otto Mattick as Lt. Commander Talcum Powter
Monte Lukast as Ensign Merryjane
Mu Cao Pai as Ensign Sushi Tojo
Stu Beef as Doctor Phlummox

and,...

Jacques Tootite as Captain Jean-Luc Dildeaux
Jonathan Flakes as Commander Updike
Max Headroom as Lt. Commander Input
Ginger Snapps as Dr. Beverly Chestcrusher
Michael Dornobb as Lieutenant Barf
Peg Filgrastim as Ensign Yo Babe
Whoopi Cushion as Giaboni
Al Aska as Lieutenant Georgi LaFart

PROLOGUE
(equal time will be given to the anti-logue people later)

It is the year 2154. Earth, having survived the Eugenics War, the dissolution of the Untied Nations, and the elimination of the UPN network, is finally at peace. Having finally gotten over the horror that was Star Wars Episodes 4 through 6, mankind is now ready to explore space.

Under the watchful eye of the Vulcan Science Academy, Earth scientists have finally engineered a practical way to utilize the warp theory technology developed by Alpha-Centauran-turned-human Zephrem Cochrane. The first warp-capable ship, the U.S.S. Boobyprize, is undergoing final preparations for its first deep-space mission.

Commanded by Captain Jonathan Archway, a tough cookie in the mold of Lt. Commander Francis Queeg, the Boobyprize will be charged with the duty to make contact with extraterrestrial species and to,.....Boldy Go Where No One Wants To Go!

Star Yecch! Boobyprize is sponsored by:

Sore Throat? Rough Night out at 13th and Spruce Sts?

Fey-go-lah!

Feygolah Cough Drops - for the Alternative Lifestyle

"They're Salty,...Yet, Creamy!"

"They're Slimy,..Yet, Satisfying!"

Fey-go-lah!! (baa-aa-aah!)

Feygolah Cough Drops are the Official Sponsor of the new Ang Ree movie "Poked-in-the-Back Mountain," hopefully never coming to a theatre near you!

Star Yecch! Boobyprize Promo

Coming soon from Cerebral BlackHole Productions:

"Hitler on the Roof!"

Features such show-stopping (and heart-stopping) tunes as

"If I Were a Reich Man"

and

"Sedition!"


And coming soon to Spiked! TV - The manly channel for manly men:

Cerebral BlackHole Productions prevents

"Take Aim for the Queer Guy"

Star Yecch! Wars Part 17

All eyes quickly turned to the doorway of Vader's chamber, drawn by the booming voice. A small, cloaked figure slowly entered the room. Vader, as well as Han and Chewie, lowered his weapon. Liyar turned towards the commotion and nearly fainted at the sight. Updike, not knowing any better, continued to train his weapon on Vader, who dropped to one knee.

VDR: Your Holiness! When did you arrive?
HAN: By the Gods, I never thought I'd live to see the day that I would come face-to-face with that prick!
CHW: Aaoors! Rittle runt!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie, he does look kinda small!

The Emperor continued to walk towards the awe-struck group, his face obscured by the black hood of his cloak. Troopers dropped to the ground in prostrate praise as he passed. Not watching where he was going, the Emperor tripped over the hand of one of the prostrate troopers, stumbling forward. Vader jumped up to catch him, but came up only with his cloak.

VDR: My liege,...what,..what is this??
LYR: Oh,..my,..GAWD! Look at that!
LUK: I don't believe it!
UPD: You're kidding me, right??

A dumbstruck Vader looked down to the floor in confusion. In the place of his beloved Emperor stood two small lab mice.

VDR: What manner of joke is this???
PNK: Uh-oh, Brain! They've spotted us!
BRN: Brilliant deduction, Pinky!
PNK: Poit! Narf!
VDR: Who are you? Where is His Holiness?
BRN: I'm afraid, masked stranger, that all of you have been the victims of an elaborate hoax.
HAN: What do you mean "hoax?"
BRN: This was all another of my attempts to take over the world! I couldn't succeed over at the WB, so I tried another of my well thought-out schemes over at Paramount. Since they are targeting the African-American demographic market, I thought it would be a cinch! All was going as planned until Pinky tripped over that guard!
PNK: Sorry, Brain! Now what do we do?
BRN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!

With that, the two mice scampered off the set, leaving the assembly standing around with their mouths agape. Barf, having grown tired of waiting, beamed into the room.

BRF: Sir?
UPD: Barf! Stop the assault! This was all a big mistake!
HAN: I don't believe what I just saw!
LUK: You mean we've been fighting a made-up villain all along?
LYR: I'm afraid so, Luke.
VDR: Haaah! I have been swearing my allegiance to a pair of mice???
CHW: Rroofaa!
BRF: There is no honor in fighting an enemy of the mind!
LYR: Oh, well,...so much for my Libertarian utopia!
HAN: That may be so, Your Ersatz Majesty, but what do we do now?
LUK: How about we tell the Resistance that we vanquished the Emperor and everybody's free?
LYR: They'll never buy it, Luke.
BRF: We could try to pass it off as a bad dream.
UPD: It'll never work, Barf. The last time someone tried that, they incurred the wrath of the Comedic Integrity Division of the Intergalactic Revenue Service.
BRF: Yes, Commander. (shuddering) Klingons fear very little, but an audit by the I.R.S. sends chills through even the most battle-hardened veteran.
HAN: But all of this still doesn't answer my original question!
UPD: Well,...you know, Han, when we get back to our marketing venture, I know some hack Hollywood producers, George Lucas and Steven,...somebody. They're always looking for a good story. I'll refer them back to all of you. You could do lunch.
HAN: Sounds like a good deal to me.
CHW: Rooh-gurt!
HAN: Right, Chewie. We'll get Yogurt to broker the deal.
UPD: Great. I'll have my people call your people.

With that, the two groups picked up their respective belongings and parted company. Updike and Barf beamed back to the Anthrax. Once on board, they swiftly made for the Boobyprize. In the shuttle bay, Dildeaux waited to greet them.

DLD: Congratulations, Number Two! As well to you, Barf! Come, let's go over to 10-Backwards and you can fill me in!

The Boobyprize soon departed the Imperial space territory at warped,...er, warp speed. Over pints of synth-ale, Updike related his adventures to Dildeaux. Initially smiling over Updike's seeming success, Dildeaux's brow continued to furrow with every passing minute of his first officer's story.

DLD: So you managed to expose their Emperor as a fraud from the WB?
UPD: Yes, sir.
DLD: And you managed to broker a deal for the rights to their story?
UPD: With a few points for yourself included, sir.
DLD: Very good, Number Two. However, when did you plan on asking them how we could get back home, Number Two??
UPD: I,..uh,...
DLD: Updike, you fool!! Now what are we going to do??
UPD: Well, sir,...we can always live off the sequels.
DLD: Sequels?
UPD: Bad attempts to keep a good story line going, sir. But that's not important right now. Anyway, sir, picture it: Input can write the scripts; I'll direct the first one; Georgi will program the holodecks; Barf can do the casting,...

And so the misadventures of the U.S.S. Boobyprize continue.

When the sun has finally darkened,
And the stars have all blended.
You might eventually forgive me,
Foe how this story ended!

THE END



OK,....you can start laughing now,.....

Star Yecch! Wars Part 16

Back on the Dark Helmet, Vader continued to gloat.

VDR: Haaah! Luke, I ssee through your little plan!
LUK: What,...what plan?
VDR: Those Federation types are approaching the ship. Do they not know that a rescue attempt is futile?
LYR: We,...we don't know a thing about any rescue attempt. That bastard Han sold us out and now you're going to kill us.
VDR: I have seen through that little ploy assss well, my dearrr Princesss. They are being dealt with as we speak.

Vader made a motion with his hand and several troops exited the room. Another wave signaled Tarq, and he entered a series of commands into the control center.

VDR: The ship is now shielded. Han and his friend cannot escape. Your friends cannot beam you away. You will now meet your destiny.
LUK: Over my dead body, helmet head!

With that, Luke reproduced Ben's old light cutlass and struck and attack posture. Immediately, alarms began to sound throughout the Dark Helmet.

VDR: Haaah! I ssee you have Ben's old light cutlass! But without the guidance, it is but a useless toy in your hands.
LUK: I don't think so, Vader!
BEN: (Luke! Behind you!)

Tarq stealthily approached Luke with a sharp knife in his hand. Upon hearing Ben's warning, Luke wheeled around and quickly dispatched Vader's unsuspecting lackey. Recovering, Luke rapidly turned back to Vader.

VDR: Arrrgh! No wonder you walk with such difficulty. Your balls must be made of brass!
LUK: Would you like to find out??
VDR: Alas, brass balls do not a Deddov Knight make!
LUK: Come and get me, Vader!

The pair approached one another and quickly began to parry and thrust. Sparks flew across the chamber as they squared off. Liyar relieved one of Vader's guards of his laser pistol and began some fireworks of her own. She quickly dispatched a trio of troopers as they approached her.

Meanwhile, in an antechamber, Han and Chewie sprung into action as the alarms sounded. With their own laser pistols, they eliminated the troopers sent in by Vader. Picking up their belongings, they entered the chamber to find Luke and Vader engaged in mortal combat.

LYR: Uh,...excuse me,...

(Don't even think about it! That's Mortal Kombat, with a "K!")

LYR: Touchy, touchy!

Anyway,...

HAN: Is that Luke?
LYR: You bet! Just look at him!
HAN: Look, nothing! Let's just get out of here! This room'll be swarming with Storm Troopers in a moment and Updike's gotta launch his torpedo at us!
LYR: His torpedo, hmmm?
HAN: Not that one, Princess! Luke, quick! Get out of here!

But Luke was too busy fending off Vader's attacks to hear Han. Using his smaller size to his advantage, Luke ducked away from Vader and rolled across the floor. Vader followed and moved to pounce on Luke. Sensing Vader's move, Luke raised his boot in the air at the exact moment. Vader howled and doubled over in pain.

HAN: Damn!! That's gotta hurt!
LUK: Well, Vader, we know yours aren't made of brass!

Luke stood and raised his light cutlass to deliver the final blow when Vader tossed aside his light cutlass.

LUK: What,...what do you think you're doing?
VDR: I know the code of the Get-High Knights, Luke! You'd never kill an unarmed man.

Luke, startled by Vader's action, continued his posture above Vader, not knowing what to do next.

BEN: (Luke, you have beaten him for the day! Take your leave and return to fight another time!)
LUK: I,...I don't want to return! I want this ended,...NOW! He killed my family!
VDR: Luu-uuke! Before you dispatch me, there is ssomething I musssst tell you!
LUK: WHAT??
VDR: I am your father, Luke.
LUK: Wha,..what? My,..father?
VDR: Yesss.
LUK: I,...I don't believe you!
BEN: (He is right, Young Luke!)
LUK: But,..but,...

In a moment of weakness, Luke lowered his cutlass. Vader seized the moment and rose from the ground, retrieving his own cutlass.

VDR: Ha-ha-ha! You weak-minded little fools! Everybody falls for that gag!
LUK: But I heard Master Ben's voice!
VDR: I am not only a Master of the Knights, I am a master of ventriloquism, as well! I made you hear what you wanted!
LUK: BASTARD!!

Again, Luke and Vader enjoined each other.

Back on the Anthrax, Updike began to fret.

UPD: Barf, any sign of the Centennial Sparrow?
BRF: No, sir.
UPD: We've received the homing signal. Why haven't they escaped?
BRF: Perhaps Vader's troops have proved a more formidable foe than we anticipated!
UPD: Perhaps. Barf,...delay launching the photon torpedo! I'm beaming over to assist them!
BRF: But, sir, you cannot!
UPD: Don't try to talk me out of this, Barf! I'm going to finally earn some brownie points with the Captain!
BRF: But, sir,...!

As Updike left the command chair, Barf moved to stop him. Grabbing him by the arm, Barf stopped Updike at the bay doors.

UPD: Barf! Unhand me! This is subordination!
BRF: Sir, you cannot beam aboard the Dark Helmet!
UPD: Why not, Barf? So you can go and grab all the Klingon glory??
BRF: No, sir. The Dark Helmet has raised her shields! Beaming is impossible!
UPD: Oh. Why didn't you tell me?
BRF: Grrrr! Qipbej qul qoH!! (Flaming idiot!)
UPD: Helmsman, target the ship's shield array!!
HLM: Aye, sir.

Moments later, several phaser strikes destroyed the Dark Helmet's shielding. Updike responded to the helmsman's report with smug satisfaction.

UPD: That's better. Now I'm going to beam over and assist them!
BRF: May you die well, Commander!
UPD: I'm not sure how to take that, Barf.
BRF: (muttering) Just take it and shove it!

Updike beamed onto the Dark helmet and straight into the spectacular fray.

HAN: Updike, what are you doing here?
UPD: Never mind me. Why haven't you people escaped?
HAN: Luke's been busy dealing with some old, unresolved childhood traumas.
UPD: Shit! Now's not the time for this! Barf will only hold his trigger for so long!
HAN: Yeah,..and then he'll need glasses!

As Updike continued to panic, Strom Troopers poured into the room. A fierce battle ensued, and chaos reigned over the crippled ship.

UPD: What? No 'chaos' jokes?
HAN: We don't have time for you to berate the writer, Updike! Quick, behind you!

Updike wheeled and fired on a group of marauding troopers. They dropped from the wide-dispersal stun. Updike, realizing his error, quickly switched the phaser from stun to kill.

With bodies dropping left and right, Han and Updike made their way towards the battling Luke and Vader. The pair was still deeply engaged in combat. Luke, fueled only by his rage, was quickly losing ground to the more-experienced Vader. Luke dropped while deflecting yet another of Vader's strikes, leaving himself open to attack. Vader stood over Luke, cutlass geld high, ready to strike the final blow.

HAN: Not so fast, Vader! Let him go!

Vader turned to see himself surrounded by Han, Chewie and Updike: their weapons drawn on the hulking fiend. Liyar was quickly mopping up the Storm Troopers who had not yet retreated.

VDR: Haaah! You think you have me? My life means little. If I slay you here, I'll still have accomplished His Holiness's goal.
EMP: VADER! STOP!!

Star Yecch! Wars Part 15

As Han severed the communications, he turned to the awe-struck pair with a smile. Liyar rose from her chair and nearly slapped Han's head off his shoulders.

HAN: OO-OU-CCH!!! What the hell was that for?
LYR: You no-good slimeball!! You've just sold our death warrants and you're asking me why I slapped you?? Just be glad I didn't grab Luke's light cutlass to cut your head off!!
HAN: Re-e-lax, lady. This is all part of the plan! I couldn't let you two in on Updike's secondary assignment because Vader would get suspicious if you didn't look genuinely surprised!
LUK: I think you're still bullshitting us!
HAN: Look, Luke, those Federation people can't get close enough to Vader's ship to take out the Genocide Star head-to-head. When we get on board, Vader will want to gloat. You and Liyar can get in close enough to the working center of that thing. When you get the chance, you need to slip this little homing beacon onto the control computer. Then you both have to stir up a commotion. That will let Chewie and I sneak back on board the Centennial Sparrow and escape before the Boobyprize launches a photon torpedo at the homing beacon.
LYR: And if we don't succeed?
HAN: Then we'll die as heroes to the Resistance.
CHW: Aoorr! Rucking Ringons!
HAN: Yeah, Chewie. That would make that steroid-pumped psycho, Barf, happy. I think he was calling it "A good day to die!"

Another lurch jolted the ship as Vader reeled in his victims. As the Centennial Sparrow settled into a berth on board the Dark Helmet, a squadron of Imperial Storm Troopers surrounded the pirate cruiser. One by one, the crew was escorted off the ship and marched into Vader's chambers. Once there, Vader greeted them. He wore an evil smirk on his face as he turned to address them.

VDR: Haaah! How could I have an ee-evil smirk on my face if I'm wearing a hel-l-met?

(Details, details!)

Okay, so Vader was wearing a new and improved "emotionally-enhanced" helmet, thus giving his prey the appearance of wearing a smirk.

VDR: Be-e-ttterrr. Now, I musst thank you, Mr. Goooverr. Your service to Hiss Holiness shall not go unrewaarrded.
HAN: Thank you, Lord Vader.
CHW: Roo-ergh!
VDR: Now, go with these guards. They shall tend to your ship while I deall with thesse two upsstartss.

Vader waited until Han and Chewie had left the room before addressing Luke and Liyar.

VDR: Sooo, Princesss, wee meet again.
LYR: If I could, I'd wipe that emotionally-enhanced smirk right off your face!
LUK: Trust me, sir: she'll do it!
VDR: Still possessed of that feisty Resistance attitude, eh? Weelll, it shall avail you nothing. Soo-oo-onn, I shaaall turn the Genocide Star on every Resistance-allied planet in the Galaxy,...unless they capitulate to Hiss Holinessss.
LYR: Do you expect us to help?
VDR: No, my dear. I expect the two of you to die. Your deaths sha-aall be an example of the Empire's might.
LUK: How,...how do you plan on doing it, Vader?
VDR: Haaah. Come with me and I shall show you.
LYR: (whispering) This is too easy!
VDR: Hmmm? Did you say something?
LYR: Uh,....I said, "That emotions mask looks kinda cheesy!"
VDR: Yesss. Blame the writer. It was a last-minute construct to get out of the narrative corner he painted himself into.

Vader and several guards escorted the pair into a large chamber. The Genocide Star loomed ahead of them. Luke, feigning curiosity, broke free of his guard and approached it. Quickly, the guards hustled him back to Vader's side. Liyar looked anxiously over at him, but a quick wink allayed her fears.

Meanwhile, on the Boobyprize, Input reported the news to Captain Dildeaux.

IPT: Sir, the homing device has been activated.
DLD: Very good, Mr. Input. Aleert Commander Updike of the beacon's coordinates and tell him to begin executing plan Updike Epsilon 4.
IPT: Aye, sir.

On the shuttlecraft Anthrax, Barf relayed Captain Dildeaux's command.

UPD: Barf, did you say "Epsilon 4?"
BRF: Actually, sir, no, I did not. It was assumed in the narration.
UPD: Oh.
BRF: We are approaching the Dark Helmet, Commander.
UPD: Have we been scanned, Barf?
BRF: I do not believe so, sir. I am approaching from an obtuse vector. I shall need only to get a lock onto the homing beacon to launch the photon torpedo.
UPD: Very good, Barf,...Barf, did you just say "obtuse?"
BRF: Yes, sir. I am trying to improve my vocabulary. Ensign Yo seemed to suggest that my speaking skills were an impediment to effective mating.
UPD: Ye-eah,...